


Trouble with Hero Worship, The

by LizaCameron



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Drama, Episode: s06e22 2162 Votes, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-06
Updated: 2010-04-06
Packaged: 2019-05-30 13:44:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 83,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15097865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizaCameron/pseuds/LizaCameron
Summary: Josh seeks to make things right with Donna and finds she hasn't fully recovered from the trauma of Gaza. Follows2162 Votes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

"You thought you could beat me, Moss?" Josh chuckled derisively as he drained the beer bottle and then slammed it harshly on the table in front of him. Pushing his chair back, he stood and faced her. "Leaving me was the stupidest thing you ever did." He shook his head and pointed to the television, which showed Santos still speaking to the convention crowd. "Had you stayed, you could be a winner right now… but you're not. You're a loser. Typical. It shouldn't be a hard feeling for you to identify. You've certainly had enough experience failing in your life."

Dumbfounded, Donna just stared at him. They'd just been wordlessly watching the convention coverage. Silent, but comfortable. Now his face was red and his expression was mocking. What was going on? Had he had too much to drink? By her count he'd only had one beer. Unless he'd been getting toasted on the Convention floor earlier? She steeled herself to interrupt him… tell him he was wrong, she wasn't a loser! But she couldn’t speak; had no way to defend herself.

"Yup, you are a failure. Failed to keep Dr. Freeride interested even when you were his sugar mama, failed to finish college… pitiful… oh and one of my personal favorites, I just love how you failed to keep your pants on in Gaza. Your first big opportunity to go somewhere and show how professional you are and you spread your legs for the first loser who walks by." He chuckled humorlessly before becoming deadly serious and turning his cold gaze on her. "Slut. And don't get me started on your other ex boyfriends. One who threatened you with perjury right after sex and the other who set you up to take his fall. Absolutely pathetic, Moss."

His nostrils were flared and his eyes beady, but otherwise his voice was deceptively calm. As if he were reciting a grocery list. She wanted it to stop, but she couldn't fight back… after all, it wasn’t like he was wrong. She slumped in her chair; it was obvious he was just getting started. 

He was laughing now. "But most of all your failure to make me see you as anything other than my own little office lap dog. That's all you were to me, don't you know? A little puppy that followed me around, doing anything and everything I asked. And I know you wanted more from me." Josh snorted with glee as Donna slouched even more, trying to make herself as small as possible. Each word hit her like a little missile aimed at her heart. 

Josh walked the few paces until he was standing almost menacingly over her.   
"Ask yourself, Moss, did Margaret or Carol ever dress up as a German cocktail waitress or trail a Senator's daughter around at a DAR function?" Donna just stared up into his furrowed brow. What had gotten into him? Donna's gut told her to flee; he wasn't in his right mind. She knew she should get away from him and his hurtful words, but she couldn't seem to move. It was as if she were being held in place by some inert force. 

"The answer is no, Moss, they never did those things. Because they have self-respect. Oh… but you wouldn't know anything about something as basic as self-respect. You did those things because I told you to… and I told you to, to amuse myself. God, I loved toying with you. You were just so easy!"

As he leaned down and got even further in her face, she wanted to slap him. Wanted to run. Mostly she wanted to cry. But she couldn't do any of it. Mutely, she stared up at him and tried to remember a time when he wasn't like this, when he had been her hero. Her knight in shining armor. It wasn't hard, that's who he had been to her for years. The role he'd played, even unbeknownst to him half the time. 

"You used to be my hero…" Donna uttered, the soft sound of her voice surprising even her own ears. It was the fist time she'd spoken since he'd started his tirade. 

At that, he started laughing hysterically. Loud, uncontrollable laughs that started in his belly. It was unnerving. "Moss, Moss, Mosssss… that's your whole problem! You worshipped me. How can I take anyone who worships me seriously?" Josh threw his head back in almost evil amusement and gleefully peppered his laugh with the word "Loser" over and over again. Donna's heart shrunk to the size of a pea in her chest as her body sunk all the way into the floor. 

***

The rapid yet irregular beating of her heart made it slightly hard to breathe; maybe that's what woke her. Hot… she was really hot, so she tossed off the covers and immediately felt a chill run the course of her entire body. Queasily, she realized that it was because she was drenched in sweat. Using her arms to push to a sitting position, it only took a couple of seconds for her to orient herself after the dream. No… nightmare. The only description for this dream was “nightmare.” Fumbling with thick fingers, she reached for the bottle of water, generously supplied by the Hyatt, on the table by the bed. Taking a sip, she hoped it would soothe her jangled nerves. 

While it did nothing for her nerves, it did help soothe her dry throat. It was as if every last drop of moisture had been wrung from her body. She fingered the light damp cotton of her pajama tops; she knew where the moisture had gone. 

"Moss…" She whispered into the empty room. Sooner or later her brain would realize that if Josh was calling her 'Moss' then it was a nightmare. Donna shuttered slightly; it had seemed so real. But they all did. Yup. This wasn't the first dream she'd had where Josh was demeaning and humiliating her. No… there had been a couple… several even… okay, this one had been exactly her seventh. 

The first one occurred in January, right after they saw one another in New Hampshire for the first time after she'd quit. In that one, his rant had been about how dumb and childish she was and how he was glad she’d quit; it saved him from the expense of firing her. It had also taken place, mortifyingly, in front of her new boss Will. Even though it had only been a dream, it took her a full day to be able to look Will squarely in the eye again. Thankfully, Will had been so busy he hadn't noticed her reticence, and she'd soon gone back to normal

The second was in Iowa. He'd crossed a hallway, entered her hotel room, even though he didn't have a key, and woken her from a sound sleep so he could tell her how disappointed he was in her. It was charming. She double-checked her locks for the next week.

The third was at the debate in New Hampshire. In that one she'd accidentally stumbled across Josh sequestered with Amy Gardner. They'd proceeded to blast her together, thick as thieves. Mocking her and laughing at her. Together. She hated all the dreams, but this… this was her least favorite. 

The next one was in a White House closet, in full view of Toby, CJ, Leo and most horrifyingly, the President. In her dreams, the West Wing apparently had gargantuan-sized torture closets. Well, gargantuan-sized closets for emotional torture.

The fifth one was at the United States Capitol Building. Cliff Calley and Congressman Santos had laughed heartily when he tore into her right in the middle of the bustling rotunda. One of the most intimidating buildings in the world had just gotten more so, for Donna anyway.

The sixth one was in a meeting with all the Democratic players as they tried to determine what would happen at the convention. In front of everyone, Josh kept interrupting Leo and the meeting to point out that she didn't belong there, repeatedly listing all the reasons why she was a fraud and an interloper.

In all of them Josh never called her by her full name or even by her first name, it was always just, 'Moss." All the dreams ended the same. Donna weak and beaten down. Tonight's stuck with her though. Usually she woke without defending herself, or even speaking, but not tonight. "You used to be my hero." She knew why that sentiment had crept up tonight… it was the way she'd behaved early. She took a deep breath and lied back down. There was nothing she could do about it now. 

Tonight, like the others, had tailored itself to their most recent interaction. Rationally, Donna knew that Josh had brought beers for them out of friendship, not spite. As a peace offering. She knew that he hadn't gloated or come close to insulting her-- quite the opposite actually-- but apparently her subconscious didn't care.

It would be a lie that to say that these dreams hadn't affected her interaction with him over the last few months. She was wary. Partly because she feared her dreams were speaking the truth about what he really thought of her and partly because she needed distance from him. With distance, the dreams went away. But if she forgot, if she let her guard down and allowed him near her; then the next thing she knew she was woken in the middle of the night, sweating with a racing, heavy heart. 

However, it was true that her conscious brain did worry about what he thought of her. Had his opinion of her changed since she left him, was it worse, was it better? They hadn't talked, hadn’t really communicated, since she left. Not about anything that wasn't campaign-related, at least. Some of that was her fault, since she had been keeping her distance. 

Deep down, way deep down, she probably knew that the nightmares were all the bad things that she feared might be true about herself. All the self-doubt, insecurity, and even a little bit of self-loathing that she pushed aside during her waking hours. And her subconscious had decided to play a cruel little trick on her by making the person she admired most, the person she respected most, the person she cared about the most, be the one to give voice to those fears.

But she was feeling scattered and vulnerable. Her conscious mind was also rather preoccupied, so she wasn't so much analyzing her dreams, as just wishing they would stop. They brought up things she didn't want to think about, feelings she didn't want to face. So if getting away from him solved the problem, then maybe that was the thing to do. 

Of course, it didn't help their relationship for her subconscious to be playing these tricks. Because, dream or not, they did not endear Josh to her, irrational as it was. Frankly, she feared that the things that dreamJosh said were the things that realJosh felt. No matter what realJosh said. Even though earlier tonight he'd been nothing but a gentleman.

***

**Earlier that evening – Russell War Room – Democratic National Convention**

"You should be out there." He glanced over at her when she spoke. They were the first words she'd said, either of them had said, since he'd sat down and handed her a beer fifteen minutes prior.

"Huh?" His eyebrows arched as he met her gaze. They both knew there should be talking at some point, but neither knew where to start.

She regarded him thoughtfully. There was something in her eyes, something that was familiar in the way she looked at him, but that he hadn't seen in what felt like forever. He couldn't put his finger on it. "You deserve to be out there. You should be out there," she repeated, almost breathlessly.

He glanced back to the TV where the celebration on the floor of the convention was still going on. The camera caught a glimpse of Matt, still on stage, his young daughter propped on one hip as he shook countless hands and continued waving to the crowd. Normally the networks would have gone to other programming as soon as the nominees finished speaking, but with the excitement and the Santos upset, the pundits were still spinning and the coverage hadn't ended. It probably wouldn't end until late into the night. 

"I'm here instead," he said simply as he turned away from the television, his eyes drilling into hers.

She felt her chest constrict at the intensity of his gaze. Gliding her tongue along her lower lip to alleviate the sudden dryness, she swallowed hard before speaking again. "Why?"

Josh studied her expression, but his only response was to shrug his shoulders and offer her a half smile. She accepted that and they both went back to watching the speeches.

A minute later they both turned from the television when they heard someone clear his throat and the grate of a chair sliding against the floor. 

"I'm gonna go check on the Vice President and then I'm going to go to sleep… maybe for two years." Looking at Josh, Will motioned his empty beer bottle at him. "Thanks… and… uh… congratulations. You truly ran the most… remarkable campaign imaginable."

"Thank you… but the campaign isn't over," Josh responded, before rising from his chair and offering Will both his hand and a questioning look. "We'll talk? After the two year sleep, of course."

Will gave a quick nod as he shook Josh's hand. "I'd be… honored… to talk." He glanced over to Donna. "'Night Donna, good job today… and well… every day."

She smiled faintly. "Night, Will. Do you need me to call-" 

Will cut her off before she could finish asking the question. "No… we'll deal with whatever needs to be dealt with… later. Tonight, just get some rest," he glanced pointedly at Josh, "Or whatever."

Donna felt her cheeks flush, but just nodded in response before he turned to go. Donna shifted her gaze back to Josh. She watched him take his seat and glue his eyes back on the television without even looking over at her. 

They weren't alone. Several Russell staffers still sat watching the various televisions in the back of the room; shell-shocked was the best way to describe the lot of them. None of them was paying the least bit attention to either Josh or Donna, and she took the opportunity to study him. To really study him, it was something she hadn't had a chance to do in months. He seemed older. And tired. But why wasn't he gloating? Shouldn't he be gloating? Shouldn't he be demanding kegs of glory, instead of bringing beers to the losers? What was his game?

"You're staring at me."

"Am I?" Donna tried for flirtatiously coy, but instead it came out sounding like an earnest question.

"You are."

"How can you tell? Your eyes are glued to the television." There was a slightly sardonic thread weaving through her tone, but only slightly.

He flashed a smile that was the closest he'd come to cocky since entering the room. "I have excellent peripheral vision…" While she rolled her eyes, he mumbled under his breath, "Especially where you're concerned." 

She immediately rolled her eyes back to him. She could tell he wasn't sure whether she'd heard him or not. "You…" Shaking her head, she took a deep breath and tried again. "Yooooou…"

"Whaaaat?" He drawled, mimicking her.

She looked at him intently. It was the same look she'd given him when he'd walked in earlier and handed her a beer. "You are amazing."

That got his attention. His gut instinct told him to smirk and play it off, hide behind his ego. He was about to do just that, when he stopped himself and simply said, "Thank you… but why?"

Donna was taken slightly off-guard. She'd expected a clever remark and then witty banter to ensue. He was different, this was different. So she went for sincere. "Because Will was right."

"About what?" Josh asked, slightly cautious.

"You did run a remarkable campaign."

"Oh… that." He hid his disappointment, and was frankly surprised to feel the disappointment at all. Apparently, he was hoping that she would think he was amazing for reasons not professional or political. 

"Yeah, that. Seriously, Josh. What you did was nothing short of amazing. I mean I know you… I know what you're capable of, but this…"

Grimacing, Josh interrupted her thought. "You didn't give us much of a shot back in New Hampshire."

Looking down at the beer bottle in her hands, she fiddled with the corner of the label that had come unpeeled, before meeting his gaze again. "I never counted you out."

That made him smile. As he let his eyes wander over her, he wondered how he'd managed to spend such a long time away from her. "Never?"

"Never…" she shook her head resolutely. "But this… triumph," she glanced back at the television, "took even me by surprise."

"It really didn't have anything to do with me…" He shook his head in a rare show of humility.

"Josh!" Her tone was reprimanding. "Were you the architect of the campaign?"

He nodded reluctantly.

"Then take your glory." She gave him the look again. "Don't you get it?"

Without answering, he stared at her almost blankly. But he was definitely intrigued.

"People will study this campaign… they'll study you. Pundits will analyze every move you've made. Books will be written about you. Lectures given, hell, leave now and you could make millions on the lecture circuit. Schoolchildren will sing songs about you."

He looked at her, equally in awe of her as she was of him. Stunned by her words, he was silent for a minute, before his lips quirked upward. "Schoolchildren will sing songs?"

"Well…" she hedged, "Government majors, poly sci geeks, PhD candidates studying policy… those kinds of schoolchildren… but certainly there will be singing. Not good singing, but singing nonetheless."

Chewing on his lower lip to keep from grinning broadly and admitting how pleased he was by her words, he studied her. She had certainly changed in the last six months, really the last year, since Gaza, but he could still see his Donna under there. "You guys ran a really tough campaign… I was impressed. And I must say, if you hadn't leaked the story on Mrs. Baker…"

Donna jumped in quickly. "I didn't have anything to do with that!"

"But…" Josh leveled a knowing gaze at her.

Closing her eyes briefly, she relented. "Yes… we leaked it. But I asked Will not to do it… begged him."

"I wanted to do it," he admitted quietly, "I tried to get the Congressman to do it, but…"

"He's too noble?" Donna finished for him, sounding slightly intrigued. 

"Yeah…" He smiled broadly at her. "Just like you." Josh enjoyed watching the blush creep over her face, even in the dim light. "So… uh… Will didn't listen to your plea?"

She shook her head sadly. "He recommended that Russell leak the info, and unlike Santos, Russell does anything Will tells him to do."

"If you'd been working for us…" Josh trailed off.

Donna looked at him curiously and with not a little foreboding. "What?"

"You could have convinced me…" His voice was soft.

"Yeah?" Donna perked up.

"Always could." His eyes drilled through hers, until she looked away nervously. "Anyway, there were bigger issues than Mrs. Baker's privacy so, to be honest, I'm glad you couldn't convince Will."

They fell into silence again as Donna studied him curiously. Suddenly she blurted, "Is that why you're here?"

Confused, he studied her before asking slowly, "Is what why I'm here?"

"Will?"

Slightly stunned, Josh furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about… you think I'm here… I came here for Will?"

"You came to poach Will for Santos."

"Ahhh… I see." Josh chuckled wryly before pinning her with his gaze. "Will has a good political mind and a tremendous gift for language and I would like for him to sit down and talk to the Congressman, but he's not the one I'm here to poach." With satisfaction Josh watched Donna's brow crinkle in confusion and then her eyes go wide as realization dawned on her.

Josh stood quickly and turned to her. "I have to get back," he glanced at the television where the party continued on the Convention stage. "But can we talk… tomorrow?" He looked at her hopefully. 

She was a little bit floored and didn't quite know what to say. It wouldn't be any kind of exaggeration to say that this was wholly unexpected. "We can talk." 

"Good, I'll… call you in the morning." Josh stood smiling at her for several beats and started backing away, before finally reluctantly turning and disappearing from eyesight. 

***

"Schoolchildren will sing songs about you," Donna muttered as she cradled her head in her arms in embarrassment. Why had she said such things to him? Exhaustion? Heat of the moment? Mental illness after losing? His dimples? How humiliating that she'd laid it all out there for him to see. It was as if in Donna's post-nightmare mind, she'd now forgotten that he'd sought her out, made the first move.

Donna shook her head as she slumped back down in the bed and glanced at the clock. 5am. She had been planning to sleep in today. The alarm wasn't set to go off until 8am. The plan, when she'd finally stumbled into bed earlier this morning, was to meet Josh today, hear what he had to say. But now… she wasn't sure. What would be the point of a meeting? She wasn't ready. She definitely wasn't ready to go back to their old working dynamic. 

Currently, she wasn't scheduled to go back home until that night, but if she wasn't meeting with Josh, then there was no reason to stay. The dismantling of the Russell campaign could best be handled from Washington anyway.

Conveniently, Donna forgot how excited she was by the prospect of their meeting when she'd gone to bed. Because now, she wasn't sure she wanted to hear what he had to say. Call it fear, but she preferred the term self-preservation. Every time they interacted, he chased her into her dreams. And judging from her sweat-soaked pajamas and jittery heart; she couldn't take much more of it. Making a snap decision, one that for most people would be career suicide, she leapt out of bed and headed for the shower. If she hurried she could make the 7:30am flight back to D.C. and away from Josh.

As she forced the sleep out of her eyes and her body under the pulsating water, she couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with her. A grown woman having nightmares. Pathetic. But they weren't even normal nightmares. There were no snakes or spiders crawling over her, no ax-wielding murders or death of any kind. No Republicans out to destroy Social Security… they were just Josh, speaking his mind. She would have preferred it had they been filled with snakes or Republicans. 

Once out of the shower she stared at herself in the mirror. Revulsion washed over her. She turned and began to dry off, not even able to look at herself. Because there was one thing her subconscious had gotten right. She had worshipped him. She knew that now and if any doubt lingered, her throwback display with him earlier tonight served as proof. He really had been this larger-than-life figure, of whom she was constantly in awe. Thankfully, she'd learned to hide her wonder not long after she started working for him. It hadn't taken her long to realize his ego couldn't handle any more adoration. But that didn't mean it'd gone away.

Last night she'd felt it again, full force. She had practically exploded with pride as she watched him, watching Santos accept the Democratic nomination for President. He truly was amazing, a Greek god in the world of politics. One of a kind. Special. 

The memory of another night came back and mortification flooded through her like it was yesterday. CJ knew she worshipped him, had stayed in her job for him, had held out embarrassingly pitiful hope for a personal relationship with him. CJ knew she was pathetic when it came to Josh Lyman. And if CJ knew… lots of people knew.

Of all things she didn't know, she did know that she didn't want to go back and be that girl, that puppy that followed her master around. That puppy was pathetic. Josh even said so. At least in her dreams he was courageous enough to call a pathetic loser a pathetic loser. Panic welled in her chest; she needed to get out of there. Leaving was the right decision.

Thankfully, she'd packed everything the night before, so this morning all she had to do was throw a few things into her bag. She made short work of it as she gathered all of her stray belongings.

The worst part is that she hadn't been able to hide it. She'd left it all out there for him to see, her adoration, awe, and well… affection for him. After all, on tonight of all nights, what did she have to lose? But now it was obvious to her that she couldn’t go back there. Couldn't go back to a place where that was who they were. 

With one last glance around the room, she opened the door and strode, albeit laden with luggage, down the hall and out of his dangerous orbit.

That was the trouble with hero worship. When the idol fell, the crash often wasn't survivable.


	2. Chapter 1

There was no measure for how much he'd missed her. If he'd been asked while they still worked together, Josh probably would have admitted that the prospect of her leaving was… unappealing. In his heart and mind he would have known apprehension and fear that someone had even suggested it. Even though part of him was always on alert, fearful that she would leave him… just like everyone else did. But he still wasn't ready for the gut-wrenching reality when it actually happened. 

One would have thought that watching her fight for her life and then having her, against all odds, come back to him, would have taught him some sort of lesson. A lesson about time and opportunity, taking chances and living life to its fullest, but apparently it hadn't. The bone-deep fear and the almost crushing anxiety he felt over her well-being had manifested itself in him building even larger walls around his heart. You couldn't be hurt like that if you didn't allow yourself to care to that extent. But the thing the last six months had taught him was that walls suck, and maybe, just maybe, the gamble with his heart… and soul, was worth it. 

So this morning Josh was determined to follow through with what he'd set in motion the prior night. Something which he was certain would put them on a path to right. If only he could find her. 

As he set the phone back in its cradle, he wore a puzzled, slightly concerned expression. She'd checked out. Glancing at his watch, it was only 8a.m. He'd gotten up unspeakably early to do the morning shows on the East Coast, so it was practically noon for him, at least as far as the workday went, but it was still way too early for Donna to have checked out.

He knew she wasn't supposed to leave until late afternoon. Why would she have already taken off? His brow furrowed.

This was a very different expression than he'd worn just moments ago. Moments ago, had one walked into his hotel room, one might have called him almost… giddy. And if caught at the right moment, Josh might have actually even admitted to giddy. Because this morning he was the campaign manager for the Democratic nominee for President of the United States, his mentor was the candidate for Vice President, and the most important person in his world had agreed to meet with him. He was going to get her back. 

It was true that he was going to get her back by offering her a job, but at least it was a start. And she was going to say yes. And things would finally return to normal. Or almost normal. With one change. Not a huge change. Okay, a gigantic change. But he hadn't been planning to make the change immediately. He was going to charm her a little. Show her he was serious. They'd be in close working proximity, so he would have much opportunity to finally tell her a few things. How these last few months had been torture without her. And then there would be change. 

Oh, and the two of them working together as a team would have the added bonus of getting Santos elected President. For some reason he felt that with her on his side, they would be unstoppable. Unstoppability. That was also part of the plan.

But the plan would have to be put on hold until he found her. He paced from one end of the hotel suite to the other. Fishing his cell phone out of his pocket, he pressed speed dial number one. Donna's cell phone. If someone had asked, he would have hedged and just said that he'd never gotten around to changing it from when they'd worked together. 

That was a little white lie. See, in their day, the Josh-and-Donna-as-a-stupendous-successful-unstoppable team day, the number one speed dial on his cell phone had been her office number, number two speed dial had been her apartment and number three had been her cell. At some point during the campaign he'd moved her cell phone up to number one, figuring that since she was on the campaign trail, that was the best and only way to reach her. 

So it was a little white lie to say that he just hadn't gotten around to changing it. But the sad truth was that he hadn't used it, not once. Not until today. Sill pacing, he squeezed his eyes closed and ran his hand roughly through his hair as he left a message on the voicemail when she didn't pick up. 

That had to change.

That was going to change.

***

By midmorning, and after a couple more messages left on her cell went unreturned, Josh was concerned enough to hunt down Will, who was lucky enough to be enjoying a late breakfast in the hotel restaurant. He was holding court, for what might be the last time, with a cadre of his staffers. Even from across the restaurant Josh could tell instantly that Donna was not among them.

When Will noticed the beeline Josh was making for him across the dining room, he did a double take and then steeled himself and smiled inwardly. When he felt Josh near, he finally turned and gave him his full attention. 

Before the approaching man could speak, Will jumped in. "Josh, I'm surprised to see you looking for me so soon. I do want to talk, but we haven't even begun to dismantle this campaign…" he expounded, probably for the benefit of his three young dining companions.

Without regard for the other man's ego, Josh replied, "I'm not looking for you, I'm looking for Donna. Have you seen her?"

"Ahhh… I should have known." Will nodded once and removed his glasses in order to clean them on the white cloth napkin that was resting in his lap.

"Well?" Josh demanded when Will didn't elaborate. He wasn't above picking the scrawny political operative up and shaking Donna's whereabouts out of him if he had to. He had to get to her. He had to offer her a job before someone else did, and he was beginning to fear he was already too late. Even though she'd promised that they could talk today, her unavailability concerned him. On several levels. 

Will glanced around the table and apparently the soon to be ex-Russell staffers took the hint, because they all began to rise from their chairs, mumbling comments about being full and getting back to work. 

As one late twenty-something passed Josh; he pressed a card into his hand and introduced himself brightly. "Jerome Jeffries, I'm a new media strategist, specializing in the internet. Donna will vouch for me."

Josh scowled down at the card and then stared dumbly at the man. Finally he muttered, "Got it." Josh didn't like this guy at all. He was too brash, too forward and most of all he was too good-looking for Donna to vouch for.

But apparently Jerome didn't sense Josh's aversion, because he smiled brightly and moved on at Josh's response. 

"So you were looking for Donna?" Will asked, bringing his attention back to the matter at hand.

"Uh…yes." Josh cleared his throat and shoved Jerome's card in his pocket. "Yes, I am. Have you seen her this morning?" 

Will stared at him, wondering how he could use this situation to his advantage. "No," he replied as he sat back in his chair. This man might have beaten the tar out of him last night and well, pretty much throughout the campaign, but he didn't need to make things easy on him this morning. 

"Do you know where she is? She checked out. We were supposed to…"

"You were supposed to what?" Will asked, not caring if he appeared nosy. After all, Donna was still on the Russell payroll. For a day or two, at least.

Josh huffed and leaned his weight against one of the dining room chairs, visibly not pleased that he was reduced to begging for information. He was a winner. He'd just won. He shouldn't have to beg. Will should be begging him. "We were supposed to talk."

"Sit down, you and I can talk instead." Will motioned to an empty chair at his table.

Josh's eyes narrowed to slits as he studied the man. When he spoke several seconds later, his voice was terse. "Don't play with me." 

"Sit down," Will repeated, appearing calm on the outside. However, he was not so calm on the inside. He could feel the sweat beginning to form and take shape in his pores. For about the hundredth time since the campaign began, he cursed the fact that Josh had the power to make him feel nervous, small and ineffectual. Shouldn't that feeling go away now that the head-to-head competition was over? Like always, he put maximum effort into not letting Josh see his nervousness and finished, "And I'll tell you."

Josh finally acquiesced by pulling out a chair and dropping into it. 

"She was on the 7:30am back to D.C. this morning."

"Oh…" Josh furrowed his brow and, as if Will had all the answers, asked somewhat naively, "Why didn't she call me?"

Will studied him incredulously and decided the other man still must be drunk from victory and lack of sleep. How could he use Josh's obvious fixation on Donna in their dealings? "I haven't the faintest idea why she didn't call you. I just had a message from her."

"So then… you didn't send her home?"

"No."

"Was something wrong? An emergency of some sort?" His voice was now laced with worry.

"I'm not sure, but I don't think so."

"Then why…"

"We both had planned to leave today – but I don't set her schedule, Josh. She doesn't clear it with me. She isn't my assistant." Josh looked at him with hard eyes, but Will put up a good front and he appeared unfazed. "But we can take this opportunity to talk."

"About what?" Purposely obtuse, Josh sat back against the chair and laced his fingers behind his head.

"You tell me. Last night you said we should talk. I'm here and available for talking."

Taking his time, he stared at Will until he felt the younger man squirm under his scrutiny. Will might have him over a barrel as it concerned Donna's whereabouts this morning, but not about this. "What are your plans? Finish the term? Sleeping for two years? Golf?" 

Will swallowed hard and tried to keep his body cool. He would rather die than let Josh see him sweat. "As a matter of fact, I've caught up on my sleep already and no matter how much I work at it, golf is never going to be my game."

"I see. So what then? Private sector?"

Will met his eye and took a leap of faith. "I don't know…but I want to continue serving… I'd like to do a little speechwriting."

"Hmm…" Josh nodded. "You were a very good speechwriter. But wouldn't that be, you know, a sizeable step down for you? After all, you were a campaign manager."

Will took a deep breath and decided to go for broke. And honesty. "You and I both know I wasn't ready to run a campaign for President."

"You didn't do too badly."

"Still."

Josh agreed with a small nod of his head. "It just so happens that Congressman Santos could use some help when it comes to speechwriting."

"You don't say?" Will tried to sound trite, but he was too relieved. 

"I do say. However, first things first. You need to understand that Matt Santos is nothing like Bob Russell."

"I am aware of that."

"Are you? Because things are very different in our camp. We take our cues from him, instead of him taking them from us. He's idealistic, even politically naïve at times, but we don't try to change it, we work with it. Try and use it to our advantage."

"I understand." 

"He doesn't compromise. His ideas, his ethics or his words."

"I've heard." Will swallowed a very strong desire to sigh. He did want a job, he did want to work for Santos, but he had no desire to be lectured to by Josh. Even if he had some of it coming. After all, he had taken a man who had no business being in the Vice President's office and turned him into someone with a viable shot at being the most powerful person in the world. It had been heady stuff. And he might have let it actually go to his head at the time, his inferiority complex when it came to Josh notwithstanding. 

"Good. Because he's already the man I want him to be; it's my job, and the job of the people I hire, to make him the politician the office needs him to be."

And there it was. Will knew he deserved that one and gulped nervously at his own words being twisted backwards and served to him like crow. He'd thought he could make Russell a guy who could be President. Truthfully, sometimes he'd even made himself a little bit sick. He took a deep breath and met Josh's glare. "I've been studying Matthew Santos for months; I know what kind of man he is. I believe he's a worthy. And more importantly, I can help you win."

"I believe that." Josh nodded approvingly and then was silent as he let his eyes roam over Will curiously, taking his measure. There were times when Will had been an importunate little piss-ant during the campaign. But Josh had always been impressed with him, ever since he came to the White House. "Actually, we're looking for more than a speechwriter. We could use a Communications Director."

"Communications Director?" Will tried to sound nonchalant, but failed miserably. At least he didn't fool Josh.

"Yes, do you know anyone who would be interested in the position?"

"Possibly. Who is the Communications Director now?"

Suddenly, Josh's appearance changed from the normal arrogant expression he wore when he was conducting business and looked slightly sheepish. "You see…" Will raised his eyebrows in question as Josh trailed off. "Well… it's pretty much me."

"Really?"

"We didn't really have a budget to speak of for extravagances…"

"Like communications?" Will interrupted, his voice registering surprise.

"Exactly… until… well… today."

"Right… wow…"

"We haven't exactly been the front runner, there were a couple of other cash hogs at the front of the pack…"

"I know, but it makes your win all the more improbable."

"Thank you." Josh's voice was sarcastic.

Unfazed, Will continued, "But it does explains why your communications were a mess at times and why it was you briefing the press half the time." 

"Still whipped your butt." Josh forced a smile.

"But how you managed to get your message out, and louder than ours at times, is beyond me."

"That's because we had an actual message. We weren't… still aren't… about a lot of doublespeak and political dodging," Josh shot back before taking a deep breath. "So are you interested?"

Will pretended to think for several long seconds, before turning to Josh thoughtfully. "I have a stipulation."

"I assumed you would." Josh sighed and nodded for the man to continue.

"I want Donna Moss."

As Will spoke, Josh's jaw instantly tightened and his eyes narrowed to hard slits. The words "I want Donna Moss" weren't the safest ones for a man, any man, to utter within earshot of Josh Lyman.

Will saw the change in his demeanor and realized he hadn't intended it to sound… like that. He quickly amended, "I need a staff, starting with Donna Moss."

Josh relaxed a modicum. Professionally, he wanted her professionally. He didn't need to kill him right here in this Hyatt restaurant. "Why do you insist on using her full name, like I don't know her? I know her." Josh's voice revealed how affronted he was. "In fact, we just had a ten minute conversation about her whereabouts."

"Just didn't want there to be any confusion. If I came on board I'd want Donna to come with me."

"Out of the question," Josh answered quickly.

His answer took Will completely by surprise. He knew Josh and Donna had some sort of issues, everyone knew, but he hadn't expected he'd have a problem with her being on the team. He assumed Josh would want her. 

Confused, Will began reciting Donna's many qualifications as Josh just sat back and listened "…and she's turned into a top notch spokesperson, she is able to fill a variety of needs, her organizational and operation skills are second to none, and her political knowledge and instincts are some of the best in the party."

Josh snorted not-so-subtly. "You don't need to sell her to me, Will, we worked together closely for eight years."

"Are you sure? Because I'm a little hard-put to explain how someone as bright and capable as Donna could stay an assistant for that long." It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. 

Josh's gaze turned steely once again, but Will didn't flinch. It was something he'd wondered as soon as Donna had proven her mettle in the Russell campaign, and that had happened right away. Will had hired her knowing she was extremely competent and intelligent, but she had exceeded even his wildest expectations. It had been like having Josh Lyman's right arm on his team. And that was a huge asset to Will. She'd also had much more national campaign experience than Will, which wasn't that hard since he had none, so it hadn't taken long for him to rely heavily on her. It boggled his mind that she'd stayed an assistant for eight years. 

Josh continued to stare Will down. The sentiment was one that had been at the edge of Josh's mind since Donna left him, but that no one ever had the guts to come out and voice. On the defensive, he was about ready to retort that Will's services on the Communications staff weren't necessary when Will relented. "Look I don't know what your problem with her is, but she's excellent, she would be a huge asset to the Santos team."

"I know." Josh ended up sighing instead of taking the job off the table.

"Did you know…" Will started to ask and then trailed off not sure if he should continue.

"What?" Josh asked with unhidden curiosity.

Will prefaced, "She was an asset, absolutely; I don't know what I would have done without her, but…"

"But…"

"There were times when she…"

"Yeah?" Josh prodded again.

"Did you know that she was the one that convinced the Vice President that debating Santos and the rest of the pack was the right thing to do?"

"It was the right thing to do," Josh responded defensively. But at the same time he was absolutely floored. She had always been his conscience; he should have known she'd be the conscience of anyone she worked for. Part of him was a bit jealous that she'd been acting in that capacity for Will and Russell instead of him. But mostly he was just so damn proud of her that he could barely sit still. 

"Yeah, but I'm not sure it was purely the best route to a Russell victory."

"If you hadn't engaged in real debate and acknowledged your opponents, the American people would have realized you were scared and hiding something sooner or later. Maybe even sooner. But by then Santos would have been gone, Hoynes a non-factor and there would have been no viable alternative."

Will shrugged noncommittally, last night's defeat still smarting.

"She was right. And it allowed you to paint your primary adversary at the time, Hoynes, in a bad light. I would have backed the debates had I been working for Russell," Josh asserted with a smile and added almost under his breath, "She is something else…"

"Then why don't you want her working for Santos now?"

"I do. That's why I want her working with me!" Josh exclaimed tensely, his frustration that she'd left without regard for their meeting radiating off of him. 

Will studied him carefully a moment before diving into waters in which he knew he shouldn't even be sticking his big toe. "Again, I don't know anything about you two and she and I have never spoken of it, but wouldn't you prefer it if she didn't report directly to you?"

Josh's face betrayed nothing, but he twisted one of the cloth napkins from the table over in his hands. "I don’t know what you're talking about."

"Josh, come on. I'm one of the guys that helped you throw snowballs at her windows remember?"

"Yeah…" His features softened as remembrance flitted through his eyes.

Will surveyed him and took it all in, his nervous frustration, the obvious gaping soft spot he had for Donna… and it all came together. Josh Lyman wasn't the only one who could read people. "As it turns out, suddenly, I’m actually not all that hard put to explain how she could be your assistant for eight years. It actually seems glaringly obvious from over here. So keeping that in mind, wouldn't it be better if she worked for me?"

The emotions that played across his face when speaking of Donna disappeared and the look in his eyes now was one of warning. "Before we go any further, you and I are going to get something straight. You need to be clear on the hierarchy of this campaign." Josh pointed as if he had a flow chart in front of him. "It goes Matt Santos and then me. Everyone else reports to me. Including Communications. Understood?"

"I understand. And I understood that even before your little air graph presentation there. It just occurred to me that you might want to avoid a direct-report situation with Donna. At least in the beginning. But if I've misread something I apologize."

Josh studied him. Donna not working for him. Well, Donna working in Communications. Which he would still work with everyday, but with a buffer of authority between them. It wasn't a bad idea. A new dynamic would undoubtedly do them good. In fact, he didn't know why he hadn't thought of it himself. "Yeah, okay, that probably would be better."

"Great, then she's on my staff," Will decreed, slightly triumphant. 

Josh nodded thoughtfully before smiling. "You think you're getting a whole staff? This isn't the bloated Russell campaign. There are no employees around whose sole job it is to carry around cardboard cut outs. We run lean and mean in Santos land."

"For the next three months you're going to have to run a little fatter. The fight is just going to get tougher and there are a lot more people to reach."

Josh laughed, an actual genuine laugh, and held out his hand to the other man as he stood. "That's why I just hired a new Communications Director… and staff." 

Will shook it, visibly relieved to be back in the game.

***

Donna knew she had made a dreadful mistake the second the plane took off, which taught her a lesson about making decisions in the dead of night… after a nightmare… and after a stunning professional defeat. Running from Josh wasn't going to make him go away. Or any of it go away. And when she asked herself if she really wanted him to go away, she was more confused than ever. It wasn't his fault if she was fraught with neurosis over their prior working relationship… she assumed that was what was causing her nightmares. But maybe it was a little his fault that she had issues about that prior working relationship, because it takes two. However, she acknowledged, her issues were hers to deal with alone. 

She felt absolutely immature, almost childish. What kind of a functioning adult was she if she couldn't face down a few dreams? But she knew it wasn't that simple. She'd known for a while. But the thing was… she didn't know what to do about it.

To add insult to injury was the fact that she would soon be unemployed. When you're about to be unemployed and you're not independently wealthy, perhaps it was best not to run out on a potential job. She couldn't wait to see what dreamJosh had to say about that brilliant maneuver.

Once the plane had landed, she found she had three messages from Josh on her cell phone and one from Will. In Will's messages he'd excitedly instructed her to call him back, and he'd added to be sure and return his call before she returned Josh's. She wasn't sure how he knew Josh had called her.

She waited until she was in a taxi to her apartment to dial his number. Number three on the speed dial. After all, she wasn't supposed to call the person who took up the first two slots.

Will didn't answer so she left a message. She knew she should call Josh and apologize for running out on their meeting. But Will had asked her to wait, so she waited. But still she wanted to reach him; there was no need to snub him completely. E-mail? But then looking down at her phone, it hit her. She could send him a text message. 

__

It wasn't a lie. She did have to come back to DC. Eventually. She was in transit. And she was deeply sorry she'd missed him today. Still, she wasn't sure how well received that would be after three phone messages. He deserved more, but at least it was something.

But she did have to worry. About a job. And since she'd just run out on her best opportunity for employment within the Democratic party, she'd start looking tomorrow. After all, she'd made countless contacts during the campaign, people who'd been impressed with her. 

One thing she knew for sure. She was certain that she would absolutely, positively never work for Josh Lyman ever again.


	3. Chapter 3

Was it abnormal to feel like a stranger in one's own apartment? Because that's a little how Donna felt. Even though she'd been back for much of the time between Super Tuesday and the Convention, things felt off. Perhaps the foundation of her building had been affected by some unknown seismic event and it had tilted, throwing things sideways? Probably not. But things were definitely on a slant. Maybe it wasn't physical. It probably made more sense that it was she that was off-kilter and not the actual apartment.

It was early evening of the day she returned to D.C. and she was knee deep in laundry when the phone finally rang. Since her apartment didn't come with the luxury of a built-in washer/dryer, that unfortunately-- or maybe fortunately-- meant that she was in the basement of her building when the call came. Fortunate if you consider that had Donna answered the phone, she in all likelihood would have told Will to take the job and shove it.

When she got back to her apartment, the beep of her answering machine startled her. Which, let's be honest, was a concern in and of itself. Because who is put on edge by the beep of their own answering machine? Unless they were dodging creditors or the like? But that wasn't it in her case. Maybe it was because the apartment was so quiet and empty… it felt lonely. Until recently she'd been used to having people around all the time. And even if she had been lonely, at least there'd been constant distraction from it. And then of course, there was the “tilted sideways” thing. 

Setting down her basketful of clean laundry, she wandered towards the kitchen and the sound of the hollow beep. On the way she stopped to click on her TV, deciding some white noise was in order, something to fill up the deafening silence. CNN flipped on and a second later she stopped in her tracks. It was tape of Vice-President Russell speaking to reporters that morning. Once again she felt a pang of defeat. She was certain that the aura of failure that surrounded her was visible from space.

With the end of the campaign, thankfully the duties of media relations had fallen back to his office staff. So she hadn't been needed in that capacity this morning. Hence her ability to leave. He was droning on like always, pretty much making not a lick of sense. She wouldn't admit it out loud, because she'd put her full mind and body into the campaign—although she'd never really committed her heart or soul-- but there was a part of her that was insanely relieved that he wasn't going to be Commander-in-Chief of the largest military in the world. 

She hit the power button on the TV, deciding she would turn it back on in a few minutes once the Russell interview was over. Shouldn't take long. He wasn't the story today. The beep sounded again and reminded her of the beckoning message. Was it Josh? Had he received her impersonal text message? Was he pissed? Was he going to yell? Shrugging, she finally made her way to the machine, because, as she reminded herself, what could he do to her? She'd already blown off her opportunity to work for him, so it wasn’t like he could revoke it. And anything he'd say couldn't be worse than what he'd said in her dreams. So she was impervious. Impervious to him. Still… she felt trepidation as she pressed the button to listen to the message. 

If she so badly wanted it not to be a message from him, why was she disappointed when it was Will's voice instead of Josh's that spoke to her? 

"Donna, I'm getting on the plane and I won't land till late so it doesn't look like we'll touch base today. Good news. I talked to Josh this morning… had him eating out of the palm of my hand. We're hired. The new Santos communications staff. We start Monday morning. Well, tomorrow really, but that will be part of the Russell dismantling, helping the DNC transition our finances and assets. Josh wants an immediate blitz; capitalize on the excitement of the convention, so we're going to need to hit the ground running. Get some sleep then call me in the morning. Later."

Donna stared dumbfounded down at the phone. She didn't know what to feel, anger or mortification that two men had had a conversation that morning concerning her future, made a decision for her, and she hadn’t been a part of it! She hadn’t even been aware of it! How dare they?! Resentment began to bubble to the surface. Who in the hell did Will think he was? Accepting a job for her? With Santos? That's the reason she was avoiding Josh! So as not to work for him! 

Not that she had anything against Santos; frankly, it was quite the opposite. She liked Santos. She liked him a lot. Other than the fact that it meant that she'd failed miserably, she had no problem with him as the Democratic nominee. And under other circumstances she'd love to be a part of putting him in office. 

Didn't Will know she couldn't work for Josh!? Well, since she'd avoided the topic of Josh with Will at all costs, perhaps he didn't know that. 

But the fact remained that she couldn't work for Josh. She wouldn't work for Josh. The nightmares had to be a sign that she shouldn't be anywhere near him. And her display last night during Santos' speech had proven that she couldn't be around him without reverting to her nauseating, worshipful 25-year-old self.

Anxiety pooled in her stomach and she felt her muscles clench. She would be damned if she’d let Josh control her! He must have known she was avoiding him, so he went through Will to get to her instead. 

Giving the poor schlub a job in the process. Well, maybe they were a package deal. Could she deny the man his livelihood because of some bad dreams and a years-old God- complex neurosis? Will had done a lot for her. Maybe she could suck it up. For Will. For her country. For her bank account. 

Or maybe not. Just the prospect left her exhausted. Or perhaps she was exhausted because last night hadn't exactly been a restful night of sleep… but it had still been the most sleep she'd gotten in days. 

Tired and confused, she curled up on the couch and closed her eyes. Her hand fumbled on the coffee table until she found the remote and pressed the power button. The sound popped on and Josh's voice assailed her ears. Forcing her eyes open, it took a second to focus on the screen. He was talking about Santos and then what Leo brought to the ticket. Josh was talking experience and military and foreign policy, but she was tired and couldn't really focus on what he was saying. So she just stared. He looked like he still hadn't slept. But he was still unbelievably dynamic on camera. She felt herself drifting off as she wondered, was there anything he couldn’t do? And then she chastised herself for idolizing him, even in her solitude. 

***

Between the Congressman, Helen, Leo and Josh they'd probably hit every national outlet in the country that morning. And quite a few regional news stations as well. Josh had been adamant that they needed to ride the wave of excitement from the convention for as long as possible. It was important to note that the Vinnick camp didn't do interviews the day after the Republican convention. They hadn't needed to; the Republican convention had run as if it'd been assembled right out of a kit. Orchestrated with precision and pulled off exactly to plan. A powerful display of solidarity and a textbook example of how to stay on message, but incredibly boring and predictable in the process. 

The Democratic Convention had been the complete opposite, but the beautiful thing was that all eyes had been focused on them. Americans had been paying attention, fixated by the events. And even more importantly, everyone wanted to talk about it. The Santos nomination had been a stunning upset, a David vs. Goliath victory. The party was electrified and the public was interested. Josh was going to capitalize on every second of it. 

As Josh entered the conference room at the hotel, a small cheer went up. He grinned and got a plate from the buffet in the corner of the room. He looked under the lid of the silver serving dish. Chicken. It was always chicken, just with a different sauce. They'd slain dragons yesterday; you would think they deserved a little beef! 

With a smile he sat down at the table that included about ten key players of the campaign, including Matt, Helen & Leo. "So did anyone see anything good on TV last night?"

Ronna piped up, "At last count, the acceptance speech was live on the big four, PBS and over a dozen cable networks and most independent, WB & UPN affiliates’ local news interrupted programming for it."

Josh smiled the sly smile of a victor. "Well, isn't that terrible news… for Arnold Vinnick?" 

Matt stood up and held out his glass—which was incidentally full of iced tea-- and Helen groaned. He glanced down at her. "Relax Helen, I'm not going to make a speech, I've done enough of that over the last day or two." Matt brought his other hand up and laid it over his heart as he looked around the room. "I'm just going to say a very heartfelt thank you. To each of you. I know what you've given up to work on this campaign. The hard work and dedication of the people in this room has astonished me." He turned to Josh with a big smile. "And to you, my friend, all I have to say is… where do we go from here?"

"Good question. Anybody got any ideas?" Josh asked with a straight face as he took a big gulp from his bottle of water and everyone in the room snickered at his attempt at a joke. He was still running on pure adrenaline, but he knew since the big push was over that he was going to land face-down at anytime. 

"Unfortunately, we've got to keep rolling. No rest for the weary. Except you two." Josh pointed to Matt and Helen. "You're going home."

"What?" Helen asked suddenly excitedly. 

"Yup. You can put your kids into their own beds this weekend. The TDP and the city of Houston are throwing you one heck of a welcome home party. Tomorrow. It should be the biggest political rally that Houston has ever seen." He glanced at Ronna and Ned. "I would like you two to go with them." They both agreed by nodding their head and he looked back towards Matt and Helen. "Sunday you have off. You two rest and relax and then Monday afternoon we meet back in Washington." 

Helen looked at him with an almost dreamy expression; she'd stopped listening at, 'day off.' "Are you serious about Sunday? Can we afford to do that? Shouldn't we… I don't know… be out there?"

"Take the day off. Sunday is going to belong to someone else."

"Who?"

"Me," Leo guessed knowingly from across the table.

"Yes." Josh looked at him in question and Leo gave a small nod of acceptance. 

"Excellent." Josh turned to the rest of the table. "Leo's going to tape 60 Minutes on Saturday and he'll do Russert and Capital Beat live on Sunday morning."

Leo nodded as Josh spoke, taking it all in. This was the last thing he'd expected to be doing today. But he also felt energized and eager to get started. He'd do what needed to get done in order to get elected. 

People started gathering their belongings to disperse. Josh looked down at his plate; he'd barely touched his chicken. That was okay, he'd get a burger on the way to the airport. "I'm going back to DC," he glanced at his watch, "…in a couple of hours. On Monday afternoon we'll all meet back there and I'll have… a game plan."

"What about some… help? Don't we need more people?" Ronna asked wearily.

"Already done." The whole room stopped what they were doing and looked back to Josh. "Will Bailey and Donna Moss from Russell's team will be taking over communications. So anyone working on communications will now work for them. I expect we'll pick up some other key players in the next week or so." 

Leo smiled broadly. "That's terrific."

Matt nodded approvingly. Josh had given him some of the speeches Will had written for Bartlet and Matt had been duly impressed. "Yes, that is terrific. Will Bailey is very talented, but I'm more excited about Chicken Fighter. We need that kind of passion."

"Chicken Fighter?" Bram questioned with a furrowed brow and thought for a second. "Oh… right… the gorgeous chick who outed Hoynes?"

Josh shot him a look that could have frozen water. Josh wasn't sure whether he was shooting him the look because of the 'outed Hoynes' comment, the 'chick' comment or the 'gorgeous' comment. But whatever the offense, the other man took note.

Bram's eyes went wide and he added contritely, "It'll be a pleasure to have them both on the team."

***

Donna woke with a start. She was disoriented and her breath came in hard lung-clenching pants. It took several moments until she'd oriented herself and realized she was in her own living room, on her own couch. Needless to say, she'd dreamt. But not about Josh, which was odd since she was thinking about him when she fell asleep. But though it didn't involve Josh, her dream wasn't good. 

In this one Donna found herself walking away from an exploding black Suburban. Over and over again. 

It had been awful, but not the first time she'd had that one either. She stared at the ceiling and felt hot tears threaten at the corner of her eyes. What was wrong with her? She just wanted to be normal, and have normal dreamless sleep. Or at least normal dreams like the ones she used to have. You know, simpler dreams about the dog eating Josh's homework and her having to redo it, or even better, the one where George Clooney knocks on her door to borrow a cup of sugar and she seduces him. Occasionally, she even had a dream where Josh needed sugar. She always ended up giving it to him, too. She blushed just thinking about it. But she hadn't had a dream like that in ages… since, well, sufficed to say it had been quite some time.

She needed to do something. She needed to take her life back. Her thoughts raced. She certainly couldn't do that if she was worried about being unemployed. 

***

Josh shrugged his backpack off his shoulder and dropped it beside his rollaboard. Home sweet… whatever…. but at least he was in his own house. And he was not unhappy to be there. 

He still hadn't spoken to Donna at all that day. And in response to all his phone calls, she'd sent him a text message. A text message. They'd known each other nine years, he was trying to offer her a job, and all he rated was a text message? Something was wrong there. But he wasn't sure what.

Wandering into his bedroom, it hit him; she must still be pissed. His mind drifted back to the days at the White House right before she'd quit. Wine… flowers… peppermint candy. He cringed. He'd ignored the obvious signs of her anger then, but he had realized that she'd been angry. But he'd been angry too… at least he had been after she’d abandoned him. But he'd forgiven her; shouldn't she have forgiven him by now?  
Sure, she'd been angry, but was it unrealistic to hope that time and her professional success would have drained that ire away? His task was going to be more arduous than anticipated. 

On second thought, she hadn't seemed angry last night. It actually had been… it was a little like… old times. The way she'd looked at him. He didn't know exactly what way that was, but he knew it made him feel like he could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Only Donna could make him feel that way with just a look. 

With an exhaustion that weighted his bones, he sat on the side of the bed and kicked off his shoes. He pulled off his already loose tie and shrugged out of his shirt. He quickly discarded of his pants as well and then rolled over on the bed and onto his back. He'd give more thought to Donna being mad at him and what to do about it later—as well as come up with a strategy to beat an unbeatable Republican foe for the Presidency-- but right now he needed sleep.

***

Donna's palms were sweaty. That was normal, wasn't it? For someone's first day at work? She was also having slight palpitation of the heart and some red blotchiness on her chest. But other than all that she was good to go. Mostly.

She hadn't exactly accepted the job, but she hadn't refused it either. And after the conversation she'd had with Will on Saturday he probably didn't know whether she'd show up or not this morning. He'd seemed confused at her annoyance, but sufficed to say he would never accept a job for her, without consultation, ever again. 

But the fact was, despite it all; she really wanted to work for this campaign. She'd worked too damn hard and achieved to much professional growth to quit now. Besides getting a democrat elected President was important to her. Maybe she hadn't picked the right horse out of the gate, but at the time it had been an attractive offer for someone whose only experience was as an assistant. And then once she'd started, she'd thrown herself into it, because she wasn't built to do things half way. 

Over the course of the weekend, she'd felt herself getting more and more excited about Matt Santos. She liked the guy, she had for some time. He stirred something in her that Russell didn't; never had. That had been a job. A means to an end. Proof for herself and the whole world that she could succeed without Josh. But now, getting Santos elected felt bigger than that… more important than her, her nightmares or even her confusion over Josh. And why shouldn't she be a part of it, just because she has issues with the past? Besides if she didn't take the job, she'd be proving CJ right. She'd still be living her life around Josh Lyman.

So now, suddenly it was Monday and she was getting ready to go to work. With Josh. Again. It shouldn't feel so strange. She'd done it for eight years, if you included the first campaign. But it did feel strange. And exciting. 

She rushed around her apartment. In the last two days she'd managed to set it all to rights while also finishing her duties on the Russell campaign. Countless loads of laundry, some light housekeeping and a trip to the grocery store and her place was livable. Less sideways. Of course, she'd be there probably all of… well… tonight, at least. 

She didn't actually know if and when she'd be leaving again. Because she wasn't actually sure what her new job was. Which was partly her fault. Since she'd let Will have it, they hadn't gotten down to specifics. But it seemed that the job was working with Will… for Santos… for Josh, but in what capacity was a bit of a mystery. She did know that Will had been put in charge of Communications, so she figured it had something to do with that. That was fine. She could do communication… after all; she'd been Bingo Bob's spokesperson. And Josh would be so busy with running the actual campaign that their paths would probably barely cross.

She hadn't spoken to Josh since the evening of the nomination. Or more accurately she hadn't spoken to him since her dream later that night, but she was pretty sure he wouldn't remember that. So it probably didn't technically count. 

The good news was that she hadn't had another nightmare since the night she got home. And she hadn't had one about Josh since the last night of the convention. However, she usually only had those after significant interaction. With a twinge of dread, she wondered if working on the same campaign would constitute significant interaction. But only one way to find out-- go to work and let the REM sleep fall where it may. 

She checked her appearance one last time in the mirror-- smart, lightweight, light-gray suit with a royal blue collared shirt in a slinky fabric peeking from beneath the tailored jacket. Her shirt unbuttoned just enough to be sexy, but not dipping below the point of trashy. She smoothed down her hair and ran a finger under her eye to take care of an imagined mascara smudge and finally nodded approval at her reflection. Professional. Attractive. Even sexy, in a power suit kind of way. She wasn't sure why she was so concerned about how she looked today; she'd spent the last six months on the campaign trail dealing with weak water pressure in showers, wrinkled clothing and hotel blow dryers that quit when you asked them to do strenuous things… like turn on. She told herself that she just wanted to make a good impression on the Santos staff. That was it. That was all it was.

Finally satisfied, she grabbed her purse, slung her briefcase over her shoulder, flew out her front door… and screamed.

The scream was a product of running smack dab into someone on her doorstop, thereby crushing the two cups of coffee that he was holding between their colliding bodies, drenching them both in the warm brown liquid. 

After she finished screaming she looked up and realized that that someone was her new boss. Well, her new, old boss. The one she had just finished assuring herself she wouldn’t run into that often. 

The boss who was currently looking startled and, admittedly, adorable with coffee splattered all over his shirt and, well his face… and hands… and hair…


	4. Chapter 4

"JOSH!" She screeched as she immediately jumped back and tried to get the newly warm, wet fabric away from her body. "What are you doing here!?" 

"Uh…bringing you breakfast." He flicked his hands, trying to get the excess liquid off of them. The white bakery bag he'd been carrying was lying forgotten on the ground at his feet, along with the crunched coffee cups. All of them making a little breakfast-junkyard in the wake of their collision.

"You scared the crap out of me!"

His heart rate had started to return to normal, but he looked up, met her eye, and it started to elevate again. "By standing at your door, getting ready to knock like a normal person trying to gain entry into your home?"

"I didn't know… I didn't expect…" She stuttered, before stopping and studying him. "You were trying to gain entry into my home?"

"Yeah." He looked a little unsure of his answer. The notion that he seemed nervous flitted across her brain and then she dismissed it. That was ridiculous. 

"Oh, well, you should knock and warn a person."

"I was about to. Maybe you shouldn't barrel through your door like you're being chased by a stampede of horny combed-over Republicans," he joked as he took stock of his now terribly-stained shirt. Thankfully, he noted, the pants seemed salvageable. A drop here or there wouldn't be noticeable against the dark fabric. "Where are you going in such a hurry?"

"I'm trying to get to work. I don't want to be late… I've heard the boss is a real pain in the ass, and I don't want to get in trouble and have to clap erasers on my first day." She mentally patted herself on the back for being able to meet his joke with a joke of her own.

"That's demonstrably false." Josh couldn't suppress a grin and he couldn't have been more relieved that she'd been getting ready to go to work. With him. After running out on him at the convention, he wasn't sure what to expect out of her these days. "You can ask anyone who has ever worked for me. I have an excellent reference."

"Just one?" 

"Yes. And SHE will testify I'm not a pain in the ass." With a smirk, he heavily emphasized the word 'she.'

Donna, still holding her soaked jacket away from her chest, couldn't resist his attempt at charm and rewarded him with a smirk in kind. "She will… will she?" 

"Glowing," he assured her, his expression turning serious and his eyes drilling into hers. 

Donna began to feel the familiar flutter of her stomach under the intense look he was giving her; she needed to put a stop to that post-haste, so she quickly averted her gaze and scowled down at her chest. "This is ruined… I can't go to my first day of work looking like this," she moaned as she surveyed the damage. Then, forgetting her audience, sighed, "What kind of first impression would I make?"

His ears perked up and his eyes lit up, but his voice was almost disbelieving. "You're worried about your first impression? On me?"

She immediately looked up and started backtracking. "Uh… no… of course not…" she stuttered and started shaking her head. "I'm worried about my first impression on the… uh… Congressman." It was true. She did want to make a good impression on everyone, but still, that hadn't really been on her mind when she got dressed that morning. She'd definitely dressed that morning with the aim of making an impression on someone, but as much as she wanted to impress Matt Santos, she couldn't really lie to herself and claim that she had worn an outfit that not only made her look, but feel, confident, powerful and in-charge--- not to mention picked a slinky shirt that unbuttoned just low enough to be sexy, yet not trashy, in a startling color that brought out her eyes-- for the Congressman. But she could lie to Josh about it. 

Josh's lips quirked upwards, despite the discomfort of being attired in sticky, wet, lukewarm clothing. "I think the first impression ship has sailed, Chicken Fighter."

She rolled her eyes at him and got back to the point. "I can't go to work like this."

For the first time he really took her in. His breath caught directly in his throat. Even with coffee splattered all over her jacket and shirt, and a little on her neck and chest, she was stunning. A bit breathlessly, he mumbled a reply. "You can go to work any way you'd like." 

"Josh, I'm a mess! You coffeed me!"

"What?" That broke him out of his spell. "I coffeed you? Is that even a word?"

"It's a word," she replied confidently.

"I don't think so. But if anyone coffeed anyone, it was you coffeeing me. I was an innocent bystander. You ran into me." 

"The one holding the coffee is the coffeer, that's the way it works."

"I don't think so. Movement is 9/10ths of the law in all coffeeing altercations." Josh replied confidently.

"Like you would know… you're not a real lawyer."

His dimples came out in full force and he gave a genuine laugh. "Only you can get away with saying that."

She was glaring at him, trying very hard not to smile, and trying to think of an appropriate response when he interjected, "I do see a solution." 

"What?" She furrowed her brow at him.

He motioned to the still-open door. "Aren't we still at your house?"

"Oh… right…" She nodded sheepishly. What in the hell was wrong with her? Two minutes standing in front of Josh and she was distracted to the point of forgetting where she was. And then it hit her. She'd also forgotten that the plan was to avoid Josh, or at least to keep a professional distance from him. That plan didn't include what they were currently doing; sliding into an old comfort zone. She was failing at the plan. However, it wasn't really her fault, she didn't invite him to bring her coffee and then run him over on purpose. However, she should still send him on his way and then go back into her apartment to change. That's exactly what she would do.

She looked towards her open door and then fumbled awkwardly with her briefcase and purse for a second before finally stuttering, "Um…do you want to come in and… uh… get cleaned up?"

Oh well. She'd be a real jerk if she didn't at least offer to let him wash his hands. 

"Yes, please." He leaned down to pick up the wreckage from their collision-- the smooshed bakery bag and crunched coffee cups.

"We were lucky the coffee wasn't that hot. Or that coffeeing could have been an assault," she called over her shoulder, as he followed her up to her apartment. Small talk was the key to awkward situations. She hoped he didn't notice the twitter in her voice, or her oddly jumpy demeanor. She hadn't been prepared to run into him on her step. And they were well on their way to having practically more conversation than they'd had in the last six months combined. It was weird. Not necessarily bad, but weird.

If he did notice that she was uneasy, he didn't let it show. Probably because he was too busy hoping she wouldn't guess why the coffee wasn't hot. It might have been because he'd been standing outside her door for some time, trying to get up the courage to knock, when she'd finally barreled through it. 

"I know," he hedged. "Thankfully, I…uh… picked it up near my house and not near yours; so it had… uh… time to cool." Did he overdo it? Nah, she didn't seem suspicious, so he added, "Which now, in light of the fact that I was coffeed by a speeding Donna freight train, seems like a fortuitous move." 

Donna was about to retort, and then decided to just throw him a sardonic look. After all, he was bringing her breakfast. She watched him already making himself at home in front of the kitchen sink. His sleeves were rolled up as far as they would go as he tried to rinse off, and she was suddenly struck by how adorable he looked while bringing her breakfast. And it really hit her for the first time. Josh Lyman brought her breakfast. To her house. Breakfast. Josh Lyman. What in the hell was going on?

"What in the hell is going on?" She eyed him suspiciously.

With obvious apprehension, he turned back from the sink and looked at her guardedly. "What do you mean?"

"Why are you bringing me breakfast?"

His eyebrows almost hit his hairline. Why was he bringing her breakfast? "Because… it's morning and people eat breakfast in the morning?" 

She merely raised an eyebrow to let him know she wasn't buying it.

"…and… um… because I'm nice?"

"Nice?" It came out alongside a disbelieving snort, but at the same time she grabbed a clean dishcloth from a drawer and handed it to him.

"Yes." 

"Seriously, why are you here?"

When he saw that the 'nice' argument wasn't flying, he swallowed hard and dried his hands and face on the towel. Pretending to be busy with those tasks, he didn't meet her eye. "You're mad… at me. So I brought breakfast… to be nice."

"Oh." Donna's eyes went wide and her mouth dry. She felt her heart splinter at the earnest look on his face. And the fact that he wouldn't look at her. Exhaling, she forced out a lie. "I'm not… why do you think-" 

"When you didn't keep our meeting last Friday after the Convention, that was a pretty big clue… and then you didn't actually return any of my calls. So I thought maybe a peace offering was in order." His eyes were downcast as if he were thoroughly studying her kitchen linoleum. He cleared his throat softly before continuing. "But you should know that Will made a very good deal for you in your absence." He finally met her eye. "What… is he your agent now? You don't take your own meetings?"

Staring into his questioning eyes, her gut twisted and her chest tightened. She suddenly felt like the biggest jerk in the world. When you're wrapped up in your own neurosis, it's sometime hard to remember other people have feelings, too. And it's especially troubling when you hurt the feelings of people you care about. Why hadn't she at least returned his phone calls? She'd had two days to do it and she hadn't. She whispered, "I'm sorry, Josh." But she offered no other excuse.

"Yeah?" He looked at her hopefully.

"Yeah." She nodded and felt the familiar pull of staring into his eyes. Finally, she cleared her throat and gestured towards her bedroom. "I should go change."

"Sure." He smiled nervously and then looked down at his shirt. "I'm gonna have to do something myself…"

Donna let her eyes roam over him. In order to survey the damage… no other reason. "Your pants and tie are okay…" She tapped one finger against her chin thoughtfully. "You know… I think I have something..."

"What?" He grinned widely, a weight lifting off his shoulders. He still had an uneasy feeling that all wasn't exactly right, but right now he was just pleased that she seemed… okay. Not mad at him, at least, and had been on her way to work. With him. "A brilliant and adorable new boss?"

"No." She shook her head resolutely. "I have an egotistical and impossible new boss… but that wasn't what I was going to say."

"That's not a very nice thing to say about Will."

She tried not to laugh, but couldn't stop her lips from quirking upward. "I was going to say that I think I have one of your shirts."

"Oh, great… that should solve..." His head snapped up at her as the implication of that registered. "You have one of my shirts?"

She just shrugged at him. "Do you want it?"

"Yes… please."

"Follow me." She motioned with her head and started for her bedroom. Josh was hard on her heels. When a woman-- and not just any woman, but Donna—is beckoning you to her bedroom so that you can take off your shirt, you don't hesitate. You go. 

***

Josh was a little nervous, standing in Donna's bedroom. Scratch that, he was actually a lot nervous. He'd been in there before. After she'd gotten back from Germany there had been a couple of occasions… but not many, he puzzled, thinking back. She'd always put off his attempts to help her. Insisting that he was too busy and that she didn't need the help. He'd finally backed off when it seemed that he was annoying her more than assisting her. 

Her back was to him as she faced the closet, rummaging through the seemingly endless racks of clothes, so he took time to scope the place out. He was the first to admit that he was no interior decorator, but as he stood studying her room, it struck him as… nice, comfortable… Donna. Not that he was comfortable at the current moment, but under different circumstances he could be. He shook his head, as if to shake out of his mind the thought of being comfortable in Donna's bedroom and what he might be comfortable doing there. They were miles from that; probably farther than ever before.

Glancing around, he took note that her bed was unmade. That struck him as very un-Donna-like. The rest of the room was immaculate. The walls were a pale yellow, and reminded him of light and sunshine – just like Donna. Or of how Donna used to be. 

Something caught his eye. Something familiar. He took several steps towards the messy bed in order to more closely examine a fuzzy black tuft of fur that peeked out from under the rumpled covers at the end of the bed. "You still have him?"

"Huh?" Donna asked as she looked over her shoulder from where she was going through her closet. She stilled immediately when she saw him holding a cuddly stuffed black bear. "Oh, yeah…"

"You lugged him back from Germany?"

"Sure." Donna shrugged casually, but felt emotion well in her chest. Josh held up the soft toy and stared at him, as Donna added softly, "I couldn't very well leave him there."

"Right." He nodded once, but he didn't set the bear down. 

Donna's back was once again turned to the closet. If she hadn't been so distracted by Josh's presence in her bedroom and his finding the bear, she would have found his shirt by now. Especially since the shirt was still in a dry cleaning bag. But she was distracted. Without turning around, she said, "You know, it was pretty egotistical of you to name him after yourself."

"I was leaving…" he defended quietly. "I thought you'd want at least one Josh to stay… if not… you'd have had no one to roll your eyes at… and that might have hampered your recovery. It was for your health."

She changed the subject, because she was afraid she might start crying if she examined too closely the memory of Josh giving her a Joshbear when they parted in Germany. Instead, she took a deep cleansing breath and commanded, "Take your shirt off." 

That got Josh's attention. "Huh?"

Turning and waving the dry cleaning bag at him, she repeated, "Take your shirt off."

He complied with the order. Donna handed him the bag and turned back to her closet to try and find herself something fresh to wear. Trying not to think about the fact that he was practically disrobing, in her bedroom, and what impact that might have on her Josh-neurosis of late. 

Josh was busy pulling the plastic off of his shirt when his eye caught the date on the tag. December 17th. The day Donna quit. He just stared at it a moment and then finally cleared his throat. "So… uh… did you pick this up on your last day of work?"

She froze for a second, and then shrugged without turning around. This was definitely a subject she wasn't ready to tackle… maybe ever. "I'm not sure…"

"The tag says December 17th." His voice indicated that he thought that explained it all.

She tried for nonchalance. "Must have."

Josh took a deep breath and turned towards her as he began buttoning up the fresh shirt. "I'm sorry, Donna."

"Why?" There was a small warble in her voice; one wouldn't pick up on it if one didn't know her. But Josh knew her. 

"That you had to pick up my dry cleaning," he replied simply. For the first time, it really hit him how it must have felt for her to do that for him after eight years. He'd always known how capable she was, how smart and valuable she was, but he'd also craved the way she took care of him. It all boiled down to something unbelievably uncomplicated-- he'd been selfish.

"I was your assistant. It was my job to assist you… and assisting you by picking up your dry cleaning was part of it." The warble was still there.

"You should have been doing more."

Slowly, she turned to face him, her heart thumping in her chest. "I know." 

"You tried to tell me that," Josh conceded as they locked eyes. "But you did do more; you did so much more than that for me… for the administration."

Donna swallowed hard but didn't speak. For one, she didn't trust her voice not to break, and for the other, she didn't know what to say. So she emitted a very elegant snort.

The derisive noise startled Josh. His eyes bore through her. "Why don't you believe that? And more importantly why didn't you believe that?" 

Holding the new blouse she'd pulled from her closet, she reached for the dry cleaning plastic for emphasis. "Because I was still picking up your dry cleaning."

They were both rooted to their spots, staring at one another, for several long seconds. She broke the silence by looking down at her bed, where his tie lay discarded. "The tie/shirt combo isn't what I'd pick if we had your whole wardrobe at our disposal, but it isn't too mis-mashed, it will get you through the day."

He just stared at her as she turned back to her closet and started shrugging out of her jacket, her back to him. She was obviously changing, but she didn't ask him to leave, so he didn't. He did, however, avert his eyes. And he geared up to steer the conversation back on track, no matter how hard she tried to change the subject. 

He cleared his throat before he spoke. "I don't know what to say, except I wish I hadn't put off our lunch appointment. I wish I'd gone to lunch with you that day." Then he uttered, "There are a lot of things I wish I'd done differently…"

Donna responded with a forced, overly cheery voice. "We shouldn't rehash this today. Water under the bridge."

"How can this be a rehashing, if we never hashed in the first place?" Josh said with a bit of unmasked frustration. It was a little surprising even to himself that he was the one pushing this, but things were off and ignoring everything over the last year hadn't gotten them anywhere. Emotional confrontation was something he'd run from his whole life, but lately he'd given some thought to where it had gotten him. He was tired of that lonely place. And he knew this was something worth fixing, no matter how hard it was.

Donna turned instantly towards him, her jacket off, her blouse semi-unbuttoned, but she didn't seem to care. Her eyes were narrow and her expression tight; defiance defined her very being. With her arms crossed protectively in front of her, keeping her shirt closed, she challenged, "Okay, hash away."

Josh just stood looking at her, concern written clear across his face. Now he didn't know where to begin. "Is this why you ran out on our meeting last Friday?" 

With a huffy pout that Josh found more endearing than off-putting, she didn't respond; but she did once again turn to face away from him and towards the safety of her closet. 

He continued, "Because I want you to know the job I wanted to talk to you about had nothing to do with dry cleaning."

"I didn't run out…" Her back was to him, so she didn't see him turn towards her and raise his eyebrows in disbelief, but she must have sensed it. And even though she knew his eyes were on her, she shrugged out of her shirt. Leaving her, from the top up, clad only in her bra. 

Josh stared at her exposed skin and felt a twinge of desire. But desire immediately turned to concern as his eyes followed the white strap across her delicate back. His gut twisted inside out as his eyes registered the fact that you could clearly see her ribs. It confirmed his suspicion. She had lost weight during the campaign. She's always been ultra thin… but this, this scared him.

"Do you eat?" He was always the master of tact.

"What?" Her voice was puzzled, as she'd expected some sort of retort or admonishment after her assertion that she hadn't run out on their meeting.

"Have you been eating?"

She hastily shrugged into the replacement shirt, which was a vibrant shade of red, and self-consciously began buttoning it up. Anxious to cover herself and obstruct Josh's obvious scrutiny. "Of course."

"It doesn't look like it." 

Donna whipped around in order to tell him it was none of his business. She stopped short when she saw the genuine concern in his eyes. Instead, she looked down and concentrated on rolling her cuff.

"You've lost weight," he said simply. 

"No I haven't," she rebutted, but without fire.

"Dooooonna…"

"A little."

"Why?" Everything about him screamed 'worry'. The look in his eye, his posture. The way he'd stopped tying the tie around his throat and let it hang, half knotted, around his neck.

"I don't know. Hectic schedule, I guess. You know how it is on a campaign. Working all the time. It's no big deal." She hadn't had much of an appetite… for a while, it was hard to pinpoint how long… eating was always an afterthought. But she didn't need a mother-hen, so she continued with what she was doing-- examining her suit jacket to see if it was salvageable. It wasn't. But an inspection in the mirror told her the red blouse with the gray slacks would be fine without it. 

"I'm taking you to lunch today." 

"What?" She wrinkled up her nose and redirected her attention to him, catching his eye in the mirror in front of her. "You don't need to do that."

"I owe you lunch. We can have that talk… finally."

She chuckled cynically. "It's kind of late for that lunch… dontcha think?" 

"It's never too late." He added a silent 'I hope' before he flashed a small smile at her in the mirror. "If it were too late we probably wouldn't be standing in your bedroom changing our clothes and getting ready to go to work… for the same candidate."

Blushing hotly, she averted her eyes from his in the mirror. She really had done quite a terrible job at keeping her guard up around him this morning. She chewed on her lower lip nervously and then finally turned around, wondering what had gotten in to him. "So you brought me breakfast-"

"Half of which is all over us… or was all over us… and the other half is laying smooshed in a bakery bag on your kitchen counter, so that really doesn't count."

"…and you're taking me to lunch in order to fatten me up?" 

"No… well, yes, but we can talk about what role you'd like to play in the Santos campaign. So it really would be sort of like having that lunch we missed all those months ago."

Donna's eyes went wide. "I thought I was in Communications working for Will?"

"If that's what you want. But had you taken the meeting yourself… instead of sending your emissary… you would have known that that's just one option." 

"What are you saying?" Her heart beat faster. These were the kind of words she'd dreamed, well, a long time ago she'd dreamed, of hearing from Josh.

"Let me take you to lunch, where you'll eat," he looked at her pointedly, "and we'll discuss it."

Absolutely floored, she glanced down at her watch. Almost eight o'clock. They'd been at her house together for nearly half an hour. "We're late."

"I know the guy in charge. We're fine."

"But Will… is expecting me at eight." She didn't add that Will really had no idea whether to expect her or not.

"Don't worry. Things won't heat up until this afternoon when the Congressman flies in from Texas." He eyed her inquisitively. "And actually… I have a meeting at 8:30…why don't you come with me?"

"With you?" She crinkled her brow like it was an odd concept. 

"Sure, I could use the back-up."

"Where is it?" She couldn't stop herself from asking, curiosity obviously getting the better of her.

"The White House." His answer was casual. Josh watched her expression change to surprise before he continued, "The President wants to start campaigning for us immediately." He waited two beats before going in for the close. " So what do you say, Donnatella, do you want to meet with the President of the United States and see what he can do to help get Matt Santos elected?"

Without thinking, she nodded quickly. "Absolutely."

Motioning to her bedroom door with a sweep of his hand, he invited, "I'll drive."

***

"Leo's got breakfast with the Chair of the DNC… uh-huh… she's going to the White House with me… and we'll be back and we can all meet at… ten… give or take. Good idea. We’ll see. Yeah." Josh hung up the phone and surveyed her out of the corner of his eye as he drove. "Will thinks we should see if we can get the President to a big fundraiser in California. Thinks it could double our take."

Donna had a notepad out and was scribbling on it. They'd been brainstorming in the car. "Mmmm… actually, I think it would triple it."

Josh glanced at her and she explained, "I did a lot of fundraising for Russell."

"Bob's boulders?" Thankfully, she couldn’t see his full smirking countenance.

"That was not my idea."

He chuckled before changing the subject. "Did you see 60 Minutes last night? Or any of Leo's other-"

She nodded before he finished. "All of them… he did… well."

Josh smiled to himself. Of course she'd seen them. "But…"

"It's still a thing. Again." Donna sighed. Every interview he gave had come back to addiction and trust… time and again. "No matter what Congressman Santos said in his speech about imperfection in all of us-"

"It's still a thing," Josh finished. 

"Yup."

"We’ll figure out a way to neutralize it," Josh said determinedly, feeling a wealth of confidence come from the word 'we.' 

The 'we' didn't escape Donna's notice, either. She cleared her throat, suddenly feeling part of the team for the first time. "Yes, we will." 

***

Standing at the gates of the building that she'd entered nearly every day, or at least six days a week, for seven years, left her feeling both thrilled and overwhelmed. To return to the place where she'd worked as an assistant, as a true politico in her own right, was a bit mind boggling. Especially because she was at Josh's side. When she'd left the White House last December, she wouldn't have believed this moment was possible. 

As they approached the guarded gate, Josh slowed his pace to let her go first; as she came to stand in front of the familiar structure, she smiled widely at the guard. "Good morning, Tim, Josh Lyman and Donna Moss to see the President." Suddenly, she realized they wouldn't have her name on the schedule. She turned to Josh with concern, just as she heard Tim the guard say, "Yes, I have you both down." She whipped around in time to see Tim handing her a visitor’s badge… with her name on it.

Confused, she accepted it and moved towards the main entrance to the West Wing. "How did… what…" And then it dawned on her. "You planned for me to come with you all along?"

"I wanted the best with me at the meeting this morning." He shrugged nonchalantly. 

The best? Suddenly, she felt like she was walking on air, just being with him made her feel better, lighter than she had in ages. This was exciting. Exhilarating, even. Maybe everything would be okay. Maybe everything would stop.


	5. Chapter 5

When Josh and Donna entered the bullpen, Will looked up from where he was working at his newly acquired desk in his newly acquired office at the Santos/McGarry Washington headquarters. His office was good… it was fine… there was one problem, though. Not a big problem… but a problem nonetheless. The office that was to be Donna's was both larger than his and in a better location. Not surprisingly, right next to Josh's. But even though he was slightly miffed about the slight, he kept silent on the subject. He'd taken the office and gotten to work. 

This morning he was a little nervous to see Donna. She'd been angry with him, angrier than he'd really ever seen her. He wasn't used to seeing that kind of emotion from Donna; during the campaign, she'd had laser-like focus, and even over dinner or in more relaxed moments, had mostly talked about work. So it had taken him by surprise that she'd been upset when he'd offered her a chance to continue that work, especially when he'd been sure that she'd be grateful. Perhaps the fact that it was now blatantly obvious that she hadn't needed him to secure her a spot was what upset her. He wasn't sure, but he did want to make things right with her.

"How'd it go?" He leaned out his door as they walked by.

"Great," Josh answered brightly, coming to a stop in front of him; Donna had no choice but to stop as well, as she didn't know where she was going. She glanced around the bullpen; one of those umpteen desks must be hers.

She brought her attention back to Josh, who was still talking. "…we got more of a commitment from the President than I'd hoped for. But that was due to Donna." 

Donna blushed while she immediately began to shake her head, remembering the President's almost over-exuberance. "It was due to neither CJ nor Toby being there to rein him in." 

"That probably didn't hurt," Josh conceded. "Annabeth and Charlie seemed eager for him to help as well, probably hoping for jobs come November. Even still… you just kept upping the ante."

"I felt we hadn't met his ceiling yet," she demurred, but she was proud of herself, and admittedly happy that Josh was pleased with the results of the meeting. "It was a pretty different experience than when we were all trying to get face time with him during the primaries."

Josh couldn't stop smiling at her. He'd spent the entire ride back in the car marveling over her negotiating tactics with the President. He'd admitted to her freely then that it had been a bit of a tactic bringing her with him. Josh knew the President would be more open to suggestion when faced with two friendly faces who had served at his pleasure for many years, rather than with any of the other wholly unfamiliar Santos campaign staffers. And it had worked. And Donna had exceeded even his expectations with her creativity and charm. 

Will glanced between them and then let his eyes rest on Donna anxiously. "So then… good meeting?"

"Very." Her answer arrived with a genuine smile designed to let him know she was no longer carrying a grudge.

"Good." Will sighed with relief. 

"Come on." Josh nodded with his head. "I'll show you your office." He looked back at Will as they started moving again. "We'll all meet in say… ten minutes."

"Yeah… I'll round up the troops." Will had enjoyed introducing himself to the Santos staffers that morning. He'd only heard Bingo Bob jokes five or six times… and that was before 8am. 

As Josh and Donna continued through the open bullpen area of the campaign offices, she looked at him incredulously. "I have an office?" 

"Sure, of course." 

"I've never had an office before." She checked herself and amended, "While working for you. I worked out of various makeshift office-like spaces on the campaign trail, some of which could sort of be called offices. But nothing that had permanence."

"Well, that was obviously a huge oversight on the part of your last employer. Bingo Bob was an idiot, because you are definitely office material."

"What about the employer before that?" What was she doing? There was no need to bring this up. How much did this need to be discussed over the course of one day? It had just slipped out, without her approval, and her mind absolutely hadn't given her mouth leave to say it.

"He was an idiot, too," Josh admitted contritely.

Luckily, Donna had no time to respond to that remark before she heard her name shouted boisterously from behind her.

She stopped on a dime and quickly turned to see who had called for her. It took Josh several steps to realize she was no longer with him. 

Her eyes lit up when she saw who it was. "Jerome! What are you doing here?"

"Working, just like you. But certainly not meeting with the President of the United States. Look at you, girlfriend!"

Josh watched the whole display, his eyes narrowing. When Will had told him yesterday that they really needed someone with Jerome's skills, he'd told him to hire whomever he needed. But at the time, he hadn't put that together with the Donna-will-vouch-for-me guy. He didn't like this guy.

Now Jerome had one arm wrapped around Donna in a hug of sorts. At this point it wasn't even a matter of not liking the guy, it was a matter of not strangling him… strangling him after prying his arm off of Donna, of course. 

The interloper glanced at Josh, let go of Donna and stood up straighter. "Mr. Lyman, Jerome Jeffries, it's nice to see you again, thank you for the opportunity."

"Will said we needed you," Josh said without humor.

Jerome nodded and prudently backed away as Josh and Donna passed him. Once they were a few feet away, Josh looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "You're huggers?"

"Excuse me?"

"You and this Jerome person, whom I'm told is a "new media" wiz… whatever that is... you guys are huggers?"

"What do you mean by 'huggers'?" Donna asked with earned confusion.

"You know, people who hug even though it's only been like four days since you've seen them."

"If that's the definition, then the answer is yes, apparently we're huggers." Donna pressed her lips together in order not to laugh. She didn't examine the phenomenon too closely. Truth was she didn't really initiate hugs with anybody, at least not lately, but Jerome's personality was such that you just sort of had to go with it.

A derisive "humph" was Josh's only response as he continued to wind his way to the other side of the central bullpen area. A moment later he led her into a medium-sized, but quite functional-looking, office space. "What do you think?"

"This is it?" Donna asked with honest-to-goodness excitement.

"Yup. At least for the next three and a half months," he amended.

"Where are you?"

"Next door." He pointed through the wall

"And Will's over there?" She glanced out the window beside her door. "Where's the Congressman?"

"When he's here, he's got some space on the other side of me. But he's got his Congressional offices, and not to mention will be out campaigning 90% of the time."

Donna looked around in absolute awe. Her office was just one away from the Democratic nominee for President of the United States, who wasn't Bob Russell… who could have imagined this last Friday?

***

"Why should we focus on California? Aren't our resources better spent elsewhere? Nobody is giving us a chance in California." Ronna was semi-scowling at Will from where she sat across the conference table.

Will shook his head vigorously. "No… no one has been giving Democrats a chance in California."

The look Ronna shot him was both perplexed and intrigued. "What's the difference? Since the Republican convention, every talking head has repeatedly said that Vinnick is unbeatable in California."

"That's because since the Republican convention, they've assumed the one who would be trying to beat him would be Vice President Russell."

"So you're saying..." Ronna's voice was slightly skeptical. 

"Yes," Will said simply.

Josh sat back as all his staffers watched Will, amazed at the candor coming from Russell's former top dog. He cleared his throat and bluntly picked up Will's argument. "Russell didn't stand a chance against Vinnick in his home state… but Santos… Santos/McGarry…" He nodded in deference to Leo, who was seated across from him."…is a whole other story. We spent a lot of time there during the primaries, we won there… but the real key will be the Hispanic voters. We should get record turnout and very solid support from a demographic that surprisingly leans Republican more than any other minority. That, along with the liberal California base, could swing it for us… especially if we reach those moderates that Vinnick appeals to … convince them he's not the only choice."

He looked around the table intently; he could almost see their minds churning a multitude of ideas. "We can make California a contest. So the only logical thing to do…" 

"We need to get to California," Leo agreed and then looked to Josh, "When do we leave?"

"We need to get there yesterday," Bram interjected in agreement from the end of the table.

"Our California expert has spoken." Josh grinned. "But unless he's also invented something that can bend the space/time continuum we'll have to settle on Wednesday." His eyes came to rest on Leo. "But I think you could be more effective elsewhere."

Leo grimaced, but succinctly stated, "I'm a liability."

"No… but I think you can better serve on a different front. Divide and conquer."

"Where do you want me to go?"

"Home."

"Home?" Leo'd been in Washington so long he barely remembered where home was.

"Chicago. Let's shore up our support with your old powerbase."

Leo agreed readily. "Good, but we've got to find a way to neutralize-"

"The thing." Josh finished for him before he continued reassuringly, "We'll figure it out. It's just a matter of convincing people it's in the past, winning them over, making sure they feel comfortable with you. Then once it's clear, we make sure every voter in this country knows that you've got more experience and knowledge about running the US government than any living person on the planet. You're our ace in the hole, when they come after the Congressman's relative youth and inexperience. "

Chicago. Donna's mind began to whir. Before she knew what she was saying, she blurted, "You'll do Oprah."

"Oprah?" Will regarded her with an odd expression. "How many candidates for high office go on a daytime cry fest? What will that do?"

Josh stared directly at Donna, his eyes drilling into her. She began to chastise herself. It was a stupid idea. She wished she could take it back. But before she could say anything, Josh declared, "It's perfect."

"Really?" Authentic surprise rang through her voice for all to hear.

"Absolutely," Josh agreed.

"Why exactly?" Will was still not moved by the idea. 

Josh swept his hand at Donna. "Go ahead."

She cleared her throat and then dove into defending her idea. "Because that's where you go when you need to reassure everyone-- especially suburban soccer moms who worry about this kind of thing and for whom Oprah is a religion-- that the addiction is in the past and gain sympathy for what you went through. It'll be about who Leo is, what makes him tick, an examination of his foibles and triumphs as a human. What went wrong and why it's not going to go wrong again. Not a recitation of his experience or a cross fire examination of the party platform."

Donna turned to Leo, "I know it won't be easy… but I don't think it will be as hard as you think."

Leo took a deep breath. "That's okay. You're right; it needs to be addressed candidly once and for all. Best case scenario, we get it out of the way now so it's not dogging us through the whole campaign."

"Exactly." Josh nodded his head. This is the one thing he felt guilty about dragging Leo into, but he knew he was tough enough to handle it. "Hopefully after it's over you'll have won the hearts and minds of those essential voters. And if played correctly, it will actually be a positive instead of a negative. A triumph over adversity." 

"Mallory should be there," Donna interjected thoughtfully. "She should do the show with you, be at your side. Will she do that?"

Leo smiled widely at the mention of his daughter. "She was a little shocked on Thursday night, but by Friday morning she'd decided to take a leave of absence and join the campaign as soon as possible."

"That's great!" Donna declared with excitement. "Meeting your lovely, well-adjusted daughter who is a selfless school teacher will help shape your character and derail this as a campaign issue."

Bram spoke up from the end of the table. "I don't mean to speak out of turn, Mr. McGarry, forgive me." He looked at Josh. "But what is our response if they attack his health? He did have a heart attack recently."

"He's fine now." Josh gestured to him. "Good as new. That's our response."

"But Vinnick…"

Donna glanced at Josh eagerly, as if asking if he minded if she took that one. When he gave an almost imperceptible nod, that only she would have picked up on, she spoke again. "Arnold Vinnick isn't going to make the health of the candidates an issue. They can't beat the Congressman on an issue of health. It would be like…" She twirled one hand in the air animatedly as she thought, "…President Walken accusing an Ironman tri-athlete of being slothful. Vinnick can't point his finger at a vital man 25 years his junior and say don't elect him because of an issue of health. It wouldn't be a wise door for the Republicans to open."

Josh felt pride once again well in his chest. It was vindication he didn't need. She was as good at this as he knew she'd be. "One last thing…" He looked over at Leo, "You don't have a staff. Usually, by this point in the process the V.P. candidate would have his own staff."

"Margaret only has a few weeks left on her maternity leave, and I'm not sure we'll be able to keep her away. She runs a campaign office like nobody’s business." 

"Good. Margaret would certainly be a significant asset." Josh arched his brow in surprise. Curiosity about who the father was once again flitted across his mind, but he shook it off. "But I've found someone who is going to help you put a staff together and start things rolling on a short term basis."

"Who?" Leo was curious.

"An old friend." Everyone looked around the room as if the 'old friend' would jump out and make him/herself known.

But a light went on for Donna. "Sam."

Josh grinned and nodded once.

Leo looked shocked. "Sam Seaborn?"

"Yes."

"Really?" The only person more shocked than Leo… was Will. He'd wondered several times if Josh had offered the Communication Director's job to Sam before he'd offered it to him. He didn't need to ask, though, he knew the answer.

"Really. He's not interested in returning to the world of politics full-time, but he's agreed to take time off from his practice and give us two weeks now and two weeks at crunch time right before the election," Josh continued as if answering Will's unasked question.

"That's… that's good… great, actually." Leo's relief was palpable. "When does the two weeks start?"

"He'll meet you in Chicago. Hopefully, in time for your appearance on Oprah. Of course Donna needs to see when she can book that first."

"I have a feeling they'll jump… but it still may take several days to several weeks before they're willing to schedule us."

Josh's voice was full of confidence as he spoke directly to her across the room. "See what you can talk them into. The sooner the better."

***

The rest of the day went lightning fast and proved to be full of accomplishment for the campaign as a whole. Things were really beginning to take shape. Josh was pleased with the way the Russell staffers were melding with his own team. Everyone was grateful for the expertise and help. 

There had been one hiccup to the success of the day. Josh was forced, once again, to break a lunch appointment with Donna. However, they didn't skip the food part, or the eating together part. Just the part where they would have presumably gone out and had time to converse… alone.

Ned had ordered sandwiches for everyone and Josh made sure, without making a scene or calling anyone else's attention to the fact, that Donna ate a good portion of hers as they sat in his office with Will, Bram & Ronna, mapping out a plan for their extended and intensive swing through California.

"Where did you get that tie?" Apparently, Ronna had decided they needed a brief respite from campaign business... and the nearest target was Josh.

"Excuse me?" He looked up from his food when he realized Ronna's comment was directed at him.

"Are you color blind? That tie is so not working with that shirt." 

He looked down at his chest and started speaking before thinking. "I… uh… had a mishap this-" 

"It's not that bad." Thankfully Bram interjected before Josh had to finish the thought, because had he finished he would have inevitably explained the whole coffeeing incident. Not that he was doing anything wrong, but perhaps it was unnecessary for the entire campaign to know that he'd brought Donna breakfast that morning. Or that she'd had the shirt he was wearing in her closet. Inviting gossip at this point was in no one's best interest. 

Bram made a show of visibly scrutinizing his choices. "While a yellow/mustard stripe against an ecru shirt wouldn't be my first choice if I had your whole wardrobe to choose from-"

"That's what I said this morning!" It was Donna's turn to interrupt.

"Well, you obviously have excellent taste." Bram smiled at her approvingly and she looked appropriately pleased.

Josh was about to growl… or announce to everyone who would listen why he was wearing the mismatched shirt and where he had gotten it, since the story would probably be a good way to scare the office lotharios away from Donna, when Ronna piped up again. "I still think it was a mistake. There's something about the yellow against the ecru that's sitting all wrong with me." 

Josh, tired of the discussion of his wardrobe, was scornful. "Does anyone have anything of substance to add, or will a dissection of my wardrobe help win this election?"

"I have something substantive… as the Communications Director, I'm wondering who our spokesperson is?" Will asked bluntly before eating several fries from his cardboard container. 

Bram looked at Donna admiringly. "You were incredible on camera when you were with Russell. Poised, funny, handled every question… you were like CJ Cregg… only prettier."

Donna blushed furiously at the heaping praise; no one noticed Josh gritting his teeth or the vein that seemed to be throbbing a little more prominently in his temple. Who did this guy think he was? He was obviously trying to move in on Donna, there was no other reason to lay it on that thick. It was uncalled for! Despite the fact that Josh agreed with his assessment of Donna's stint as Russell's spokesperson. 

"She did a great job for us," Will agreed quickly.

"Ding, ding, ding… I think we have a winner." Bram winked at Donna as he grabbed her wrist and held it up between them in a gesture of victory. He dropped it just as quickly and took a bite out of his roasted chicken sandwich. "Mmmmm... arugula. Don't you just love arugula on a pesto chicken sandwich?" He asked no one in particular, completely oblivious to the death ray glare being directly at him by his campaign manager.

Josh had all but lost consciousness after the wink. Who in the hell was this guy to be winking at Donna!? If he'd known Bram was a winker, he would have left him in California! Between the winker and the hugger he was going to have a heart attack, and it was only their first day on the job together. 

Bram still had no idea that Josh was on the edge of leaping across his desk and doing something entirely unsanitary with his beloved arugula. But Josh didn't. Instead, he repressed his irrational, but wholly real resentment, and tried to appear entirely calm and unbothered. He mostly succeeded. "I agree that Donna was excellent; however, it's only been four days since she was Russell's spokesperson, we need to give it a little time before Donna, Will or any other recognizable faces from the Russell campaign, become visible for us. In the meantime, we'll continue as we have. Now let's get back to the idea of a town hall in San Diego…"

***

"Josh tells me we’re going to be working together."

Startled, Donna jerked her head up, only to be confronted by one Helen Santos standing in her door. It was late afternoon; time had flown as her day had been consumed with making arrangements for the Southern California part of the trip while Bram worked on the Northern California portion. Rallies with local Democrats, campus visits, fundraisers and speeches to special interest groups—it was invigorating having so much responsibility.

"I didn't mean to startle you. I'm Helen Santos." She took several steps forward so that she was now standing in front of Donna's desk.

Donna rose and accepted her proffered hand. "Of course, Mrs. Santos. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Donna Moss."

Helen surveyed her surroundings. "Nice office."

"Yes… thank you, I'm afraid I just moved in today, so it's not very organized-"

Helen interrupted her train of small talk. "Is it as nice as the one you had working for Bob Russell?"

Donna's jaw tightened and her guard immediately went up. However, she couldn't really blame the woman. After all, she'd been the face of the enemy for months. She simply replied with a rigid smile, "It's nicer."

"My husband is very excited about you joining the campaign. He says you have passion. My husband likes passion."

"He sat on me," Donna blurted. She had no idea why it came out of her mouth, but it was probably a knee-jerk reaction, as if she had to explain to this woman… why her husband liked her.

"What?" That got Helen's attention.

"Uh… for the stem cell vote, the night of the Congressional slumber party. Or at least that's what I called it. Before anyone got there, or I even knew anyone was coming, I'd fallen asleep on the couch and the next thing I knew, I was being sat on."

Helen just stared at her for a few seconds before her lips quirked upwards. "You didn't scream and kick him out?"

"No. I screamed, but I let him stay."

"Really?" Helen was obviously impressed. "The opposing candidate? In your boss's office?" 

"It was an important vote," Donna explained matter-of-factly. 

"Yes, it was." Helen's smile reached her eyes for the first time, her former challenging attitude beginning to fade. "So are you happy to be working for Santos/McGarry?"

Donna gestured to the chair in front of her desk and they both sat. "I'm… thrilled." And it wasn't an exaggeration. She really was thrilled. The whole day had been thrilling. "Four nights ago… well, let's just say you have no idea how hard it would have been to believe that I'd be thrilled to be at work today. But I am. I'm very impressed with the Congressman, and my allegiance to Leo—I mean Mr. McGarry—goes back for some time."

"Good… I'm glad to hear that." Helen studied her, obviously trying to figure her out. She'd heard things. Things that made her curious. "It just makes me wonder…"

"Yes?" Donna could tell the other woman had something on her mind. Watching her fidget, it dawned on her and a feeling of resignation set in. "Go ahead." 

"What?" 

"Ask me."

"I… I don't know what-" Helen stuttered a bit when faced with Donna's direct manner.

"Mrs. Santos." Donna's expression was pointed. 

Helen took a deep breath and dove in. "Why were you working for Russell instead of us all along? From what I understand, you worked for Josh for quite some time."

Even though she was expecting the question, had invited it even, her chest still constricted with apprehension when she heard it.

However, she calmly got up and closed the door to her office. As she moved across the room she could feel Helen watching her, appraising her, yet again. When she sat back down she pasted on a smile, which she hoped looked relaxed, and answered ingenuously, "I couldn't work for Josh anymore."

Helen's eyes went wide. "You can't stand him either?"

That caused Donna to choke. It took several sputters and a sip from her water bottle before she was finally able to respond. "You can't stand him?" She asked, almost incredulous. How could someone not stand Josh? She knew it was a stupid question, but in her mind, only she was allowed to get annoyed with him. If others did, she instantly went into her defend-Josh mode. It was easy, like putting on an old comfy pair of gloves; defend-Josh was her default position.

"No… yes… well…" Helen laughed self-consciously. "That really came out more harshly than I meant…"

"That's okay." Donna said the words slowly, trying to keep a defensive note out of her voice. "I know Josh can be frustrating."

"I can stand him. But sometimes I guess I can't believe we're here, doing this… and the truth is we wouldn't be if it weren't for Josh."

"Isn't it a good thing?" Honest patriotism and desire to serve rung through Donna's question.

"It is… really, but…"

"Mrs. Santos, are you on board with this?" Donna asked when the other woman's hesitancy became clear.

Helen sighed and met Donna's eye. "I am… but I guess I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Still. Or even more since the convention."

"Josh knows what he's doing," Donna assured her confidently.

"Oh… that was made abundantly clear to me when he took a three-term Congressman from Houston and turned him into the Democratic nominee for President."

"Yes, that was impressive. Even for him."

Helen took note of Donna's obvious pride, and it made her even more curious. "So he turned my life upside down… that's why I say I can't stand him, I guess he's an easy target for my frustration." She smiled as she said it. "Now, it's your turn, why can't you stand him?"

"Mrs. Santos-"

"Helen," she corrected her firmly. "Please call me Helen. I'm not running for anything… and enough things have changed in my life lately. I'd like for you to call me Helen. Especially if we're going to be in cahoots against Josh."

That made Donna laugh and then she shook her head with wonder. 

"What?"

"It's just that I can't believe we just met and I’m about to confide you."

"I have that kind of face," Helen replied knowingly.

Donna tapped her desk nervously with a pen. "I was Josh's assistant for eight years… and I loved it. Most of the time. There is no way to quantify how much I learned from him…"

"But…"

She sighed and studied the other woman for a moment. Despite her confrontational tone a few moments ago, she seemed nice. And she did have that kind of face. "The short version is that by the time the Russell campaign ended, I was practically the number two person in the campaign after Will. If I'd joined the Santos campaign with Josh I'd still be… his assistant."

Understanding flitted across Helen's eyes. "But now he's given you the big office next to his." 

Donna shrugged in agreement. If there was a better illustration of the professional reasons why it was necessary for her to have left, she had no idea what it might be. "Yes."

"And the arduous task of turning me into a media darling overnight. He just told me that he'd like us to work together some on this trip through California." She seemed uncertain. "I've been a politician's wife for awhile now, but this campaign - this huge thing we're doing – I've sort of been winging it. Do you think I'm a project you'd like to take on… at least for this trip?"

Donna smiled warmly at her. Helping the future first lady become the first lady. She could definitely do that. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Oh no… can we please save the Ma'am until we actually get elected? It makes me feel unspeakably old."

"Whatever you say… Ma'am." Helen shot a mock glare at her, but Donna was unfazed. "Learning to answer to ma'am… that will be lesson number one." 

"Ahhhh. Thank you, Donna." Helen rose and started to leave. Once at the door, she turned back. "I'm… really looking forward to working with you."

"Me, too." Donna allowed a small smile as Helen walked away.

***

"Hey…" Josh poked his head in her half-open office door.

She finished what she was doing and then gave him her full attention. "Hey."

"How was your first day?" He pushed the door open even farther and leaned against the jam.

"Busy… very busy… but good. I met Helen Santos." She looked at him pointedly.

"Oh… are you okay with that? Everything is getting bigger and she's a little overwhelmed and she's going to be going from mostly campaigning with the Congressman to making appearances on her own. I thought you could help her transition."

"So I'm going on the California trip?" For a second she marveled, thinking about how much that would have meant to her a year ago. It still meant something, but after endless campaign travel it wasn't quite as exciting. 

"Yeah… is that okay?"

She nodded quickly and was a little surprised by the way he almost seemed to be asking her permission each time he assigned her something to do. That was entirely new. It was a definite step up from the way he used to shout orders at her, but she was also a team player, she didn't need to be treated with kid gloves.

Relieved by her eager agreement, he continued, "Will is going to stay here, hold down the fort and meet with the Madison Avenue people." 

"We're getting a new agency?"

"Donna, this was the Santos campaign. We're getting an agency… period."

"Oh…" The differences between the machine-like Russell campaign and the scrappy Santos campaign had been vast.

Suddenly serious, Josh pushed off the wall by the door where he'd been resting and came to stand in front of her desk. His voice was soft as he looked down and met her eye. "I'm sorry about lunch."

She waved her hand at him. "It's fine."

"No. No, it's not," he said firmly. "It's just our first full day in the office after the Convention and things got crazy…"

"I know, I was there, we still had lunch. Besides, things are going to be crazy every day… until election."

Josh brought his hand up to rub his eyes and then scrubbed it back through his hair. "I just didn't want you to think that I'd forgotten… or it was like before. Because it's not like before. I'm not avoiding lunch with you."

She was rather taken aback by the fire with which he said the words. After a second she stood and crossed from behind her desk. In a comforting manner, she put her hand on his sleeve. "I believe you. Especially since you're the one who suggested it in the first place."

His gut twisted as he looked into her trusting blue eyes. How had he let this get so out of control before? Why? Why hadn't he just sat down with her? He knew why. Taking a deep breath, his gaze was intent on her. "Can I make it up to you?"

She dropped her hand from his sleeve instantly. While she'd meant what she'd said-- she had understood why their lunch hadn't happened-- he had said those words about making it up to her before. No way was she going to get trapped in that cycle of disappointment again. When she spoke, her tone was clipped, even more so than she'd intended. "It's not necessary. If I'm going on the California trip and working with Mrs. Santos, my current duties are pretty clear."

He watched the change come over her. Saw her retreat right before his eyes. He couldn't let that happen. "Please let me make it up to you."

She was about to rebuff him again when she looked up, met his eye and was struck by how earnest he looked. His eyes were almost pleading. Against her better judgment, she acquiesced. "When?"

"Right now."

She crinkled her brow in a way that made her almost irresistible to him. Somehow, through superhuman levels of self-control, he was able to maintain decorum and not tug her into his arms for a big bear hug. Glancing at her watch, she considered his proposal. "You want to have lunch at 7:30 at night?"

"Yes, but I thought we'd call it dinner to keep in sync with the rest of society."

"You want to take me out to dinner?"

"Yes."

"Now?"

"Yes." He nodded once and his eyes never left hers.

"What about work?" She asked in all seriousness.

"We have to eat. Besides, we got a lot accomplished today."

With that she reached over and pressed the back of her hand tenderly to his forehead.

"What are you doing?” It came out a bit more breathlessly than he would have liked. 

"You don't feel hot."

That was a little strange. Because he felt hot… with the way she was feeling up his forehead. "Huh?"

"A fever. You don't seem to have a fever."

"No…"

"Well, then, what's wrong with you? The Josh Lyman I know wouldn't be talking about going out to dinner at 7:30 on the first full day of work after the Convention."

"Don't kid yourself, Friday, Saturday and Sunday were full days for me. And now, I need to have dinner. Besides that's one big difference between Jed Bartlet and Matt Santos. Matt Santos works just as hard as the next guy, but then he wants to stop."

"Really?" Donna was eager to learn how the Congressman operated.

"Really. He'll do a 10-12 hour day, but not the Bartlet 14-16, unless he has to."

She grabbed her purse and briefcase. "Even at that, it will still be twice what Lassiter was rumored to work."

"How about Russell?" 

"Yeah, twice what he would have worked, too."

Josh raised a brow and didn't say anything. Maybe one of these days he'd have the guts to ask her exactly what she'd seen in Bingo Bob. But for now he just stood aside as she exited and then followed quickly on her heels. Instead, he did what he did best, made a snotty comment about Republicans. "Republican Presidents and their month-long vacations and naps in the oval office… I don't know when they have time to run the country between all the ranching and biking and sleeping." 

She gave him a courtesy snicker as she came to a stop at the door of the storefront of the historic building that was serving as the McGarry/Santos headquarters. "When you say you're taking me to dinner; you know that means you're paying, right?"

"When have I ever not paid?" He slung his suit coat over his shoulder.

She just looked at him blankly.

"I'm paying." He feigned insult that she would even have to ask.

"Okay, then. Where are you taking me?"

Without thinking he replied, "Anywhere you want to go, Donnatella, anywhere you want to go."


	6. Chapter 6

"Drive or walk?"

"Kind of depends on where you're taking me… doesn’t it?"

"Good point. Where am I taking you?"

Donna stood outside on the sidewalk and appraised her surroundings as she pulled her collar away from her neck. It was a sultry summer evening in D.C., but there was a slight breeze that kept the temperature bearable. It was not yet eight o'clock, so while it was still light out, the brightness of day had begun to fade.

"Two blocks down there's an Italian place, I noticed it when we drove by on the way in…" She thought out loud.

In a way this was very odd for Donna; standing here, making a simple decision about where to go for dinner with this man, as if the last year hadn't happened. There was an ease and comfort level that surprised her. She had to keep reminding herself that this was the guy who'd had her tied up in emotional knots for… years… and who haunted her dreams.

Now that guy had his hand on the small of her back and was guiding her down the street. Apparently, the Italian idea was okay with him.

And it was okay with him. Italian food certainly satisfied his desire to see her eat, and the atmosphere of a small Italian restaurant… that was okay, too.

Once they had traveled the two blocks they were confronted with what turned out to be a small but upscale restaurant called _Trattoria Amore_. Even with Donna's limited Italian, she could easily translate that. Her breathing hitched nervously. When she had suggested Italian, she was thinking of someplace casual with red and white checkered tablecloths and parmesan shakers on the tables. This was not that place.

"Maybe…" Donna started as she looked at Josh, who was holding the door of the restaurant open for her.

"What?"

"Maybe we should go somewhere else…"

"Why?" He looked honestly puzzled. "This place looks nice." He motioned with his head toward the door he was holding open. "Come on…"

"Exactly… it's nice. We're not… uh… dressed appropriately," she spit out, grasping at straws. 

"We're both wearing what we were when we met with the President of the United States; not exactly paint-splattered overalls. I don't think this restaurant will refuse us, even if the yellow in my tie doesn’t work with the… whatever color this shirt is." He grinned at her, but he was still a little unnerved by the reticence he detected in her. 

"Yeah…" His argument did nothing for Donna's comfort level, but she took a deep breath and walked through the door anyway. 

As soon as she entered, the ambience of the room hit her full force. The lighting was dim, candles everywhere created a flickering glow that danced off of the crystal glassware on the tables. It only took one look around the intimate dining room for Donna to forcefully answer "outside" when the hostess asked if they would prefer the dining room or the terrazzo.

They wound their way around the side of the restaurant, and were led up several flights of stairs and out onto a beautiful garden on the roof of the building. Perhaps outside wasn't the best idea. Because if the inside seemed romantic, the outside seemed like someplace people went to get engaged. Small potted trees and greenery seemed to surround them on all sides; it was everywhere. Except that it wasn't, because they could still see D.C. spread out along the Potomac, including a view of the Washington Monument, imposing and impressive against the dusky sky. Tiny lights strung overhead began to twinkle against the quickly fading daylight. Small round tables dotted the landscape, covered with white linens and the same candles and crystal that had been present in the main dining room downstairs. Soft music, unimposing and old world in flavor, imbued the entire setting with a charm that was most oversetting. Several of the tables were occupied by couples. Donna's eyes roamed over the room. She sighed in relief when she saw one table in the corner that held four chatting women; at least all the patrons weren't engaged in a romantic rendezvous. 

They took their seats at a table that was slightly isolated from the other diners by a vine and flower-covered trellis. Trembling slightly, Donna almost knocked over an empty wine glass when she sat. 

"You okay?" Josh asked with concern as he shook out the pristine white cloth napkin and set it on his lap.

"Yes." She plastered on a smile and sat back in the surprisingly comfortable chair as she took in their surroundings. While it was terribly romantic, it was also quite relaxing. The dichotomy was startling-- on one hand, the tension of the day had started draining out of her, while the tension from being in this situation with him still had her wound tight. Finally, she looked back to him, only to find his eyes, narrow and searching hers. 

"Are you sure?" He asked again.

But just then the waiter approached and presented them with menus and the wine list. Donna used the distraction to misdirect Josh from her current nervous state. Instead of answering him she took a deep breath and addressed the waiter. "This is a lovely place; I've never been here before. How long has it been around?"

"About two years, the owners were competing chefs at two other Italian restaurants in town. Finally they buried the hatchet, got married, and opened this place."

Josh nodded thoughtfully. "Ahhh…I guess that explains the 'Amore' in the name."

"Yes," the waiter said brightly as he filled their water glasses. "In fact, the Washingtonian named us one of the 10 most romantic restaurants in D.C. last month. They called us the perfect first date destination."

"Oh…" Josh actually froze for several seconds. He was at one of the most romantic spots in D.C. with Donna. Upon further thought, he decided it wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Finally, the waiter cleared his throat and brought his attention to the extensive wine list.

For Donna's part, she felt like she was going to black out. She didn't even register the conversation Josh was having with the waiter about wine. She nodded her agreement when he asked her a question, not even hearing what she was agreeing to. What was she doing at the perfect first date destination with Josh? Her new old boss? And she had no one to blame but herself. She was the one that suggested the restaurant. She knew that she had committed herself to working for Santos/McGarry, which meant working with and for Josh. She could handle the working together; she'd proven that today. But this… this thing they were doing right now... she wasn't sure it was something she could handle. 

Once the waiter had left them alone, Donna busied herself by studying the menu with all the ferocity of a college senior cramming for finals. That way she wouldn't have to try and keep up one end of the conversation. But after a minute she muttered a low, "Wow."

"What?" Josh ripped his attention from his own menu.

Oops, she hadn't meant to say that out loud. "Are you sure you want to stay? This place is expensive."

"Donna…" He set down his menu. "Don't worry about that, I'm taking you out to make up for lunch. Actually…" He sighed heavily. "I'm trying to make up for a lot of lunches… so the more expensive, the faster I can get all caught up." He smiled mischievously at her. When her tight expression didn't change, he sighed and continued earnestly, "But the last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable. So we can leave if you'd like."

"No!" Donna surprised herself with how quickly she refused his offer to leave. Wasn't that what she wanted? Apparently not all of her. "It's just that when I suggested this place, I really didn't mean to suggest one of the ten most romantic, and apparently most expensive, restaurants in D.C. for a business dinner," Donna explained breathlessly, desperate to make sure he knew she hadn't known what she was getting them in for.

'Business dinner.' Her description of what they were doing rolled over in Josh's mind and brought him back to reality. Momentarily, he'd forgotten that that was technically what this was. It seemed so natural for him to be sitting across a candlelit table from her, ordering wine. Surely many business dinners took place over candles and wine at beautiful roof top gardens?

"I know." He offered her his most disarming smile. "But we're here, it looks very good…" He discreetly pointed to people about 10 feet away who were being served delicious-looking meals. "So why don't we just have an enjoyable meal?"

She glanced around at her surroundings once again; it really was lovely. "One word for this place would be enjoyable."

The sun had almost fully set and the candles from the table would soon be their primary illumination. Josh noticed, as he gazed at her intently, that her jittery nervousness seemed to be abating. Even if only slightly, he found it encouraging. "It's relaxing."

"Yes…" Donna nodded in agreement, smiling for the first time. "Relaxing. That's exactly what I was thinking."

"I think it's all these bug condos that make it relaxing." 

Donna's lips quirked. Good thing she'd swallowed the water she'd been sipping just before he'd made the comment. Otherwise it might not have been pretty. "Bug condos?"

"Yeah, you know, the place where bugs go to raise their families, live their lives so that they can still be close to their day jobs… of pestering the humans." He bugged his eyes out at her for effect.

"You mean the foliage?" She asked sardonically, gesturing to the beautiful plants and flowers that surrounded them.

"Foliage? Just a fancy name for an elaborate community of bugs."

"I haven't seen one bug since we got here."

"That's because they're sleeping now. But they're in there, just waiting."

"You really are Nature Boy, aren't you?"

"Nature is my middle name."

"You don't have a middle name."

He feigned a dreamy expression. "If I did it would be 'nature'… or something with ‘adventurer’ or ‘outdoorsman’ worked into the title… something that really defines who I am."

"Right…" She shook her head at him, but couldn't stifle a giggle. "Joshua 'Nature Nerd' Lyman."

"Hey… 'nerd' wasn't part of the deal. I'm not a nerd. Nature or otherwise."

"You really are."

She felt her stomach tumble when he grinned at her with full dimples. She loved those dimples. She had missed those dimples. He was about to refute her claim, but he didn't have a chance before the waiter approached with a bottle of wine.

Once Josh had approved the selection, the waiter took their dinner order. Donna ordered a chicken dish that was stuffed with asparagus, fontina cheese, and Parma prosciutto, served in a white wine mushroom sauce. Josh was satisfied with her order; after all, one of his primary missions was to try and fatten her up. For himself, he ordered the filet, well done. But it wasn't just a filet… no, it was filet mignon that was wrapped in Italian cured pancetta and bay leaves flambeed with cognac, sauteed in a light cream sauce, served with bowtie pasta in a porcini mushroom sauce. He had no idea what that would do to his steak, but he was thinking a place like this probably wasn't likely to ruin it. 

Donna waited until the waiter had retreated before she eyed her newly full wine glass suspiciously and then shifted her gaze to him. "You ordered a bottle of wine?"

"Sure. Why?" Josh asked as he picked up a basket of bread and offered a piece to Donna. 

"When?" Donna asked as she eagerly took a baguette. She was actually quite hungry, hungrier than she could remember feeling in, well, ages. 

"You were sitting right there, I asked…" He trailed off, looking at her peculiarly. "I thought wine would be appropriate to have with dinner."

She ignored the fact that she'd completely missed him ordering the wine and looked at the gold-tinted liquid in her glass. She shifted her gaze up from her glass and then challenged him matter-of-factly. "But it's white."

"Your powers of observation are second to none," he tried to tease.

"You like red." Focusing intently, her eyes drilled straight through him and her voice was slightly challenging.

"You like white," he countered softly.

"You remembered that?" 

"I do sometimes retain things. Not very often… but occasionally." 

"Oh… that's uh… you didn't need… thanks." You could have knocked her over with a feather. Josh had done something counter to his own desire, because he knew she preferred it. Would wonders never cease?

***

"Want a bite?" Donna asked as she cut him a piece of her chicken. Not waiting for an answer, she used her fork and knife to set a piece on the edge of his plate. 

He took a bite of her chicken and chewed slowly. “Hmmm… good." He looked up and found her looking at him expectantly. "What? Oh…thanks for the chicken?" 

She cocked an eyebrow at him.

It finally dawned on him what she wanted. He glanced at his plate. "Would you… like a bite of mine?"

Donna's eyes lit up and she nodded readily.

"Seriously?"

"If you don't want to share, then never mind." With a pout, she went back to her chicken.

"No… I'll share, of course I'll share. But you just… rarely… eat red meat."

"It looks good. I just want to taste… a small piece."

Dutifully, he cut her a bite of the filet, but instead of setting it on her plate as she'd done, speared it with his fork and held it out to her. 

She stared at his fork for a minute. She couldn’t eat off of his fork! That was way too intimate and none-business-dinner-like. But it looked really good. Really incredibly good. So she decided the hell with it, and closed her lips around his fork. 

His pulse elevated and he watched her intently. Slowly, he pulled his fork from her lips. "How was it?"

She made a show of her eyes rolling back into her head as she semi-moaned the word, "Yummy." 

"Do you want some more?" Frankly, he was a tad breathless for someone who'd been seated for the last hour. 

"No. That's good." She smiled, fully recovered, and went back to her own meal. After a few seconds, she took a sip of her wine and asked a question that had been rolling around her brain all day. "So… is it weird that we didn’t see CJ or Toby at the White House today?"

"Nah…" Josh shook his head quickly. Too quickly. Then he glanced up from his food. "Yeah, it is a little, but you know things get crazy in the West Wing."

Her mouth curved slightly. "Yeah. I remember." At that, he caught her eye and shot her a smile. She smiled back before taking a sip of her wine. "But in the past… wouldn't they have been at a meeting like that?"

"Probably. But like you said this morning, it most likely was in our best interest that they weren’t there." He winked at her in obvious reference to their success that morning. "They might have had more resistance to the Josh/Donna tag team than the President did left to his own devices… and those of Charlie and Annabeth."

Donna smiled, but their conspicuous absence was nagging at her. Noticing the new crease in his brow that the introduction of the subject had wrought, she studied him thoughtfully a minute before quietly asking, "Have you talked to Toby?" 

"Sure," Josh answered too quickly.

"Really?" She asked with disbelief.

He was about to reassure her once again, but then stopped himself and took a deep breath. "You heard…"

"I did."

They both sat in silence for several long moments. Josh fiddled with the stem of his wine glass nervously and Donna watched him behind the flicker of the open flame of the candle on the table. The sun was fully down now. But the rooftop was even more beautiful with the small lights that twinkled all around them, especially from above. Top 10 most romantic restaurants in Washington… hmm, she wondered what in the heck the other nine had that might top this one.

"I wish you hadn't heard about that." He finally broke the silence, but kept his gaze riveted on his plate as he spoke. 

"Why?" She brushed her bangs out of her eyes. 

He puffed out his cheeks before he answered. "Not my finest moment."

That made Donna chuckle. "I was surprised. I've never known you to physically fight."

He shrugged noncommittally. "When pushed…"

"He started it?" Donna asked, skepticism ringing through her voice.

Josh was quiet for a second, trying to find a way to defend himself. "Verbally… he…. provoked me…"

"You started it." She stated it as fact.

"I may have thrown the copy of the health care plan at him. But… he… incited me." She took note of the way his voice hit notes that were at least an octave higher than his normal register. 

Not wanting to reward his behavior, she stifled a smile. "I figured he was the insider behind Rafferty's health care plan once I heard the gory details about your little scuffle."

"Little? Scuffle? It was no little scuffle! It was two guys going mano a mano. Fists flying. It was an all out brawl, is what it was."

"Yeah… I'm sure. Josh Lyman and Toby Ziegler engaged in a brawl. You know if Don King finds out then I bet the next prize fight is going to feature a couple of middle-aged Jewish guys-"

"Did you just call me middle-aged?" Josh interrupted with a bit of amused indignation.

"If the hairline fits." Donna smirked at him.

"Ow. Direct hit." 

She met his smile with a smile, but it quickly faded as she fiddled with her fork. "I was… a little disappointed to hear that you'd picked a fight with him right after his brother died."

And that did it. Shame curled around his heart and, like a character in a Peanuts cartoon, he actually physically hung his head. He'd disappointed Donna before; he knew it like he knew that Republicans were bad and Democrats were good. But her actually saying the words? That was a blow to the gut.

Donna watched his demeanor change right in front of her. It wasn't an understatement to say that she was shocked to see her words have such an effect on him. She didn't know what to say. Not because she didn't know how to make it better, but because she was out of practice when dealing with his fragile ego. So she asked with a teasing note, "Did you at least win the brawl?"

"Huh?" He glanced up at her.

"Did you at least win your little scuffle?"

He sighed loudly. "Well, he looked worse."

"I know… I saw you both at the party that night."

"Right." He nodded his head once. "Is that how you knew?"

"CJ told me at the party." Donna exhaled and relented. "And she said that she thought Toby was misdirecting some of his anger about his brother onto you."

"Yeah?" He looked at her hopefully, as if that meant she was letting him off the hook for starting the thing with Toby.

"Uh-huh. She thought that he was probably the one who provoked the incident. And she said he had some issues with the way you left…"

"I got that from his diatribe about me abandoning the administration." He looked up and stared directly into her clear blue eyes. "Lots of people have issues when they are… abandoned."

Her breath caught in her throat and she was sure her heart had stopped beating. Things had just taken a very wrong, very bad turn. She might have suspected that he'd have issues with her, just like she had issues with him. It only made sense. Still, she didn't take the bait. "Even so, I still think it's weird that they weren't in the meeting or around… at all."

Josh accepted her desire not to pursue that line of conversation. "Something's going on. There's an internal investigation into the military shuttle leak. It might have something to do with that. I don't know. I've heard things are pretty tense over there. Word is that it was a West Wing leak."

"That's what I've heard, too."

Josh nodded, remembering that she was a player in her own right these days and had her own sources of information. “I haven't spoken to CJ or Toby about it, have you?"

"Nope." Donna shook her head and then met his eye; a gentleness was present that he hadn't seen for sometime. "I hope they're okay."

"You know them, I'm sure they're fine," Josh said with more confidence then he actually felt. He was a little worried about them, but there was really nothing either he or Donna could do about it. He was sure neither CJ nor Toby would confide in either of them, as everything was probably classified. Besides the fact that they had their hands full with the election.

"Yeah."

They ate in silence for several minutes, but when Donna looked up, she found Josh not eating or drinking, but just sitting back in his chair, staring across the table at her. 

"What?"

He looked at little guilty at being caught. His eyes went instantly wide. "Nothing…"

She shot him a look that effectively communicated that she wasn't going to accept that for an answer.

"It's just… it's nice to be here… with you… like this. It's been a long time. It's nice."

Donna eyed him suspiciously and set down her fork. "Okay, we have to get something straight."

Josh's gut started to twist. This couldn't be good. With unmasked apprehension, he agreed. "O… kay."

"Today at the office."

"What about it?" Picking up his fork, he began to push around the food that remained on his plate. 

"You were being… weird. Not like yourself. You were… over the top with the praise and asking me if it was okay when you assigned me something to do."

"So…" Josh grimaced with confusion. He'd calculated what had gone wrong in their prior relationship and decided to try and go the opposite way in those areas. "Isn't that what a good manager-"

"It's freaking me out," Donna stated succinctly. 

"Well, I don't mean to freak you out. I just want to get started on the right foot. This working-together-again thing. It didn't end so well last time. I don't want that to happen again."

"Oh..." She frowned thoughtfully. She knew it was partly her fault that it didn't end so well last time.

"So I'm trying to let you know that I value you and your contribution. Is that so bad?"

She studied him for a minute and then relaxed back into her seat. "No… no, it's not bad. I just… I want you to treat me like any of the other staffers. You can assign me something to do without tip-toeing around me, like you're asking my permission to give me work."

"Is that what I was doing?" Josh was a little surprised by her assessment.

"Pretty much. You're treating me special. I'm not special."

Puzzled, Josh watched her. What did she mean, she wasn't special? Didn't eight years together, even if it was just working together very closely, sort of mandate a special relationship?

Inhaling sharply, she continued, "On one hand, I appreciate the no barking and the no bellowing, but I'm here to help win an election, like everyone else… besides, I'll let you know if you assign me something that I don't like."

"I have never barked or bellowed in my life." Josh hadn't heard much after that assessment of his communication skills.

And with that she snorted… and started giggling.

"That funny, huh." 

Donna nodded her head through her giggles. It made Josh suddenly very happy to hear her giggle, even if her mirth was directed at him. 

"Okay, maybe… on one or two occasions, in the distant past, I might have occasionally bellowed. But I've never barked."

She caught her breath and then shot him a cynical smirk.

"I have?" His eyebrows shot to the ceiling. 

"Anyway…" She narrowed her eyes at him. "Like I said, I'll let you know if I don't like something."

"And so far… do you like it?" he asked carefully, trying to gauge her reaction. It would take a little practice mastering their new dynamic, but he was willing to try, on her terms, even.

She thought for a second, went back over her day in her mind. It had been a good day; suddenly, everything about her softened right before his very eyes. "Yes, I do. Very much. Thank you for the responsibility. I never imagined it would be so much. I appreciate your vote of confidence."

A wave of relief passed over him. But he still couldn't get a handle on the way she was running hot and cold with him. It hadn't been this way today at the office. She'd been completely focused and the picture of professionalism there. But since the moment they left the office… she'd been… honestly, similar to how she'd been at her apartment this morning. She was off. Or something was off. Was it him? "You know, we haven't really talked about what you want to do. That was what we are supposed to be talking about at lunch… now dinner."

"True." 

"So what would you like to do?"

"I can do anything?" She tested him.

"Try me." 

"See, this is what I'm talking about. Why are you going out of your way…" She trailed off, not knowing how to phrase what she wanted to ask.

"What do you mean?"

"You're really going out of your way for me." She pinned him with her eyes.

"Donna…"

"Did Jerome or Bram or Ronna get candlelit dinners to discuss their role in the campaign?"

"Neither Jerome nor Bram nor Ronna worked for me for eight years. And they aren't you."

"That's kind of my point about the going out of your way-"

"I'm trying to win an election and I need the best and the brightest to do that. I think you're very good, Donna… I always have… and I just want there to be a smooth transition. I want you to be happy working for us, it's just the first day, I'm sure I'll go back to bellowing tomorrow…"

Her throat went bone dry. He'd been heavy on the praise all day, but somehow, right this minute, it sunk into her that it wasn't just lip service. He meant it. Josh Lyman considered her to be among the best and the brightest. She swallowed the lump in her throat and was a little afraid she might actually start to cry. However, she put every ounce of self-control she possessed into willing herself to stay unemotional. It was a slightly unfamiliar task; until the last few days, she'd mostly been… numb. Numb. It was a startling revelation. But before she could think anymore about it or even react to what he'd said, he interrupted her thoughts.

"And…"

There was more? She wasn't sure she could take it. Still, she hoarsely asked, "And what?"

While looking down at his plate he mumbled something that was incoherent over the soft music and low hum of the other diners. 

She crinkled her brows and looked at him, until he looked up and realized she hadn't understood him. He took a deep breath as she watched him expectantly.

"And… I… might have… missed you."

A chill tingled up and down her spine. And since it was still quite warm she didn't blame it on the air. At the same time, something began to tickle and warm her insides; her breath caught in her throat and her eyes were glued to him. He'd missed her. She hadn't even thought about that. She knew she'd missed him, but she'd pushed it aside, and as for him… she figured he wasn't built like that. In her recent mind he was a political animal worried only about work, impervious to what she did or where she was. But of course that wasn't right. Why hadn't she given him more credit than that? 

She watched the candlelight reflect in his brown eyes, and even in the less than illuminating lighting, she could tell he was telling the truth. And that it wasn't easy for him. 

"I might have missed you, too."

"Really?" The way he said it and the expression on his face made him seem more like an excited boy than the number-one political mind of the Democratic Party. 

There was that hero worship thing again. Almost imperceptibly she cringed, even though her involuntary adoration was only in her mind and not for anyone else's consumption.

"Yeah…" And she had. She really, really had. 

"Then let's not do that again." Josh's plea was husky.

Picking up her glass, she swirled it before taking another sip of her wine. Her mouth was so devoid of moisture that the normally mild liquid burned her throat on the way down. She chased it with some ice water. Maybe they really had to do this, to get past it. And maybe the fact that she was well into her second glass of wine contributed to her willingness to tackle the subject. "I had to leave, Josh."

He sat completely still for several seconds, stunned that she'd brought it up and mentally preparing himself for the conversation that was about to come. Finally, he exhaled softly. "Why?"

"You know why."

"I really don't."

"The missed lunches, the dry cleaning…" She reminded him of their conversation earlier in the day.

"Okay, you had to… move on. Why did you have to leave like that?" It came out just above a whisper. "You could have talked to me. We could have figured something out." 

"I tried." She tried not to sound tired. But suddenly she was, tired down to the core of her being. She didn't want to do this. Really, really didn't want to do this. But she knew he'd gone out of his way for her; the least she could do was grant him the answers she knew he craved. 

"Not very hard." Accusation flashed across his eyes, but his voice was still low and gentle. 

"You're the one that cancelled lunch with me six times, Josh. Don't put this all on me." Donna's voice carried a new edge.

"Okay. Fair enough. But we spent a lot of time together. Hell, we had breakfast in my office on our last day… why didn't you just come out and tell me that you weren't happy, or why didn't you just give me a letter of-"

"You think it was easy for me to leave you?" Anger flashed in Donna's eyes, which were also bright with new, unshed tears.

His heart broke a little at the way her eyes glistened with obvious emotion. But he pressed on. "To me… at the time… it seemed easy."

She was silent for a moment and her eyes were closed. When they popped open, she focused on him and spoke evenly. "It was the hardest thing I've ever done."

The hardest thing she'd ever done? Josh hadn't expected that. For months, his subconscious mind had been picturing her running from his office, pumping her fist in the air triumphantly, happy to finally be free of him. The resentment that he'd carried until recently was built on that admittedly ridiculous image. He'd also pictured her thrilled to be with Russell, working away diligently to get a man who didn't deserve her service or dedication, elected. 

Imploringly, he gazed at her. "Leaving a job, even one at the White House, shouldn't be that hard." 

"No, it shouldn't. But I wasn't just leaving a job…"

"You were leaving me," he finished, now feeling a little sick to his stomach. She was confirming his worst fear. He'd told himself many times that she was just leaving the job for a better one. Or what she thought was a better one. However, he'd always known that that was really only half of it. He just didn't like to admit it. Now he had no choice.

"I had to… I was… I just… I had to. I'd outgrown..." 

"Me…" His heart sunk into his stomach. "You'd outgrown me."

"No!" Her answer was forceful enough to attract the attention of other diners, even though they were some distance away. She lowered her voice. "I'd outgrown who we were to each other then. I'd outgrown the job... which you knew." She let that hang in the air for a beat before she continued. "But I didn't think of it as outgrowing you."

"And now?"

"Still haven't outgrown you." She motioned at their surroundings. "Apparently." She didn't mention anything about outgrowing her little problem with idolizing him. He didn't need to know that that was an issue. Ever. It was probably one of the reasons she was so uncomfortable with his special treatment of her. It reminded her of the way she used to be with him. Sometimes still was.

"Oh, Donna…" He didn't know whether to jump for joy that the door wasn't completely shut on him, or shed a few tears himself. "I'm sorry… I'm really so very sorry."

"For?" Donna bit her lip and, in order not to cry, forced her eyes away from his face and put her mind to work studying the way the candlelight created a light prism on her wine glass.

"Everything." 

The emotion with which he imbued that lone word tore down her last vestige of emotional self-control. One single tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away. There was a slight tremor in her voice when she spoke. 

"You already said you were sorry this morning."

Never in his life had he wanted to hold someone in his arms so badly. No… that was an exaggeration. He'd had the almost overpowering desire when it came to Donna many times; for instance every moment she was lying hurt and helpless in a hospital in Gaza. And now once again, at that moment, all he wanted to do was flip the table that separated them on its end, pull her into his arms and never let her go. 

But instead of upsetting the furniture in the upscale restaurant, he settled for reaching across the small table to where her hand rested near the stem of her wine glass. He covered the top of it with his and looked at her intently.

"Well, that was for the dry cleaning stuff… this is for everything else." It really seemed like the coffeeing incident and getting dressed in her bedroom had taken place eons ago, instead of that very morning.

The feeling of his hand, warm and safe, covering hers felt unmistakably intimate. Even more so than dinning by candlelight. Or maybe it was the intensity that she saw in his eyes, but she didn't move or look away.

"I'm sorry, too. Really sorry… for leaving like that…" And, she thought to herself, for a multitude of other things that had happened in the months leading up to her departure. Things that she couldn’t yet even begin to think about.

Josh's mind whirred with the idea that it wasn't too late. And despite the emotions of the moment, it was a very happy thought. Many, many times over the last six months, the thought that it was too late, and that he'd lost her for good, had taken up residence in his psyche. Escaping that thought was one of the reasons that throwing himself into the campaign full-throttle had been so easy. 

He took a deep breath as a thought occurred to him. "Well depending how you judge where we are now, it was probably a good thing that you left like that."

"Yeah?" Donna didn't know how to take that.

"Yeah. If you hadn't left… I probably… no, there's no probably. I wouldn't have… I wouldn’t have, either."

"What do you mean?" 

He'd never admitted this to another soul, even himself. "I mean that if you hadn't left in a way… in a way that was hard, I wouldn't have quit my job… or gone to Santos. Simple as that."

Frozen. She was frozen. The thought had never occurred to her. She hadn't thought of herself as significant enough to beget such a momentous chain of events. After a minute of charged silence, the side of her mouth twitched. "So in a way, you could say that I did you a favor?" 

"In a way… I guess you could say you did the whole world a favor." He rewarded her with a dimpled grin. "But I really did miss you, you know." Unlike earlier, his voice was strong and sure this time and as he spoke he caressed small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb.

"And I really did miss you." 

They sat staring at one another for several minutes. Lights twinkling around them, the soft aroma of delicious food mingling with the flowers in the light breeze wafting across the rooftop. 

Finally, he broke the silence. But a smirk formed on his lips before he did it. "When did you find you missed me the most?"

"The nights." She answered without even hesitating.


	7. Chapter 7

The night was enchanted. It felt as if it had been conjured by magic, directly from a fairy tale. For sure, the most magical she could ever remember spending.

Perhaps the wine was responsible for her rapture; it left her feeling warm and languid. Or the candlelight, everything looked more beautiful and bewitching by candlelight. Of course, the fresh night air and the fantastic garden, with its plants, trees and flowers that surrounded them, might possibly be to blame for the way she felt. 

Or maybe it was nostalgia. The unmistakable feeling of happiness that she'd had all those years working side by side with him… she'd felt that again today. It was amazing what camaraderie and solidarity of purpose could do for a girl's mood. It was thrilling to be a part of something she believed in, after months of a situation in which the driving force behind her efforts was mostly her own advancement. Today felt like old times. Only better. 

Obviously, being in such an amazing environment was part of it. You couldn't be at one of the ten most romantic restaurants in DC without feeling some effect. And it also didn't hurt that she was taken with warm memories of the past and excitement over her new work. However, neither of those things could fully account for the reason she was feeling this way. 

If the night was enchanted… it was mostly because of him. 

The way he looked across the table at her with his warm brown eyes. He made her feel special. Important. Beautiful. Whole. His fingers drew soft circles on her hand, tracing a little electric pattern on her skin. And the words. He missed her. The emotion she saw written clearly across his face when he said it, that proved something. That he had missed her, that she was something to him. 

If she'd known when she woke up that morning that she'd end up confessing to Josh that she missed him, twice, by the end of the evening… well, she might have gotten right back in bed. But it hadn't been hard or overwhelming. It had been natural. 

Like a lovely kaleidoscope, the stars twinkled in the night sky behind him and the moon was bright and blue over head. She directed her attention back to his eyes, his dreamy chocolaty eyes. It was so easy to get lost while staring into them. To think that after being apart for so long, that she could sit on this beautiful rooftop with him, it was like a dream. Now he was talking, she watched his lips move and his dimples dance in his cheeks as he spoke, but she couldn’t even concentrate on what he was saying. She just wanted to stare into his eyes. 

But when she looked back up into those eyes… she screamed. 

Her scream, however, made no sound. It wasn't Josh she was having dinner with. It was CJ. With a haughty demeanor, she was shaking her head and her voice sounded as if it was coming from far away. "You can't be serious. You can't be serious. You can't be serious." 

What was happening? She glanced around the dining room, but the other diners didn't seem to think anything was wrong. 

"You can't be serious, Donna." CJ repeated herself, but now her voice was strong.

Donna tried to speak, tried to ask what she couldn’t be serious about… but for some reason she couldn't.

Now CJ was glaring at her with obvious condescension. "Here you are once again, fooling yourself into thinking he sees you as an actual woman. You can't seriously think that he'd be interested in you for anything other than your typing?"

Donna tried to shake her head in disagreement, but she couldn't. Instead she just stared at CJ blankly.

"Look at that dress. Where did you get that, the junior prom department? You can't think he would be interested in a woman in a dress like that. A woman that Josh Lyman would find interesting has to have a degree of sophistication. And let me tell you, sister, you don't cut it. Never have."

With confusion, Donna glanced down. She was wearing her blue dress, the turquoise one with the thin strap that wrapped around her neck. That was odd; she couldn't remember putting it on. She didn't wear this dress anymore, not since… the Correspondents’ Dinner. 

She looked back up when she heard CJ cackling.

"God, it's ugly. But your dress isn't the biggest problem. The biggest problem is you. What makes you think you deserve a guy like Josh Lyman?"

CJ was not fazed when Donna didn't answer.

"Are you pretty enough for him? Smart enough? Successful enough? Not by my estimation. I mean… did you even go to college? It's absolutely pathetic that you are sitting here thinking about him… the way I know you're thinking about him." 

Donna wanted to curl up into a little ball, or cover her ears or run away… but for some reason she couldn't do anything. 

After a derisive snort, CJ continued gleefully. "Donna, what did I tell you? I told you to do anything that didn't have to do with Josh Lyman. But do you follow my advice? No! Because here you are again. He offers you a job… and you jump. You con him into taking you to this ridiculously expensive place and then swoon at his feet?" CJ cackled again. "So pathetic. You can't believe he's serious, can you? He doesn’t want you. He's just using you… just like he always did." 

Donna's heart was racing. She could feel it in her chest. She hated CJ! But mostly she hated herself for mounting no defense. 

"Donna, Donna, Donna… if he thought of you as anything but the hired help, something would have happened a long time ago. He's never going to look at you like an equal." To add insult to injury, CJ grabbed Donna's wine glass, the wine that Josh had chosen specially for her, and downed the rest of the golden liquid before scowling at her. 

"It was your mistake to go back and work for him. What's done is done. But at least save yourself the last few shreds of dignity that you have. Don't throw yourself at him. Having dinner in this romantic restaurant? And it was your idea? What are you trying to do? Fool him into thinking you're good enough for him? Or seduce him and hope he wouldn't notice you were doing it?"

Donna was shaking her head quickly from side to side, wanting to tell CJ that she hadn't wanted to have dinner here. At least not after she found out what kind of place it was. She wanted to tell her about the red-and-white checked tablecloths and grated parmesan that she had expected to find on the tables. But she couldn't. 

"You dumb, blonde bimbo. You give the sisterhood a bad name."

Why couldn't she defend herself? Or cry? Or do anything. Suddenly, she noticed Josh was sitting next to CJ. With smugness reserved only for his most conquering moments, Josh smirked and egged CJ on with an elbow nudge to her shoulder.

She turned her gaze on him fully, her eyes absolutely pleading with him. More than anything, she wanted him to say something, something to shut CJ up; wanted him to ride in and save her. She finally found her voice. "Don't you have something to say?"

"Nothing to say, Moss. Except… when she's right… she's right."

***

5:07AM. Once Donna had ascertained the time and stopped panting, she buried her head back in the pillow. And cried. She cried because she was still trembling from the nightmare. She cried because at the current moment, she wanted to punch CJ and slap Josh, both the ones in her subconscious and the real ones. And she cried because she was obviously not okay. She had to do something to stop this. 

She knew that now. She could not continue on like this. Something had to be done. She'd been referred to several therapists after Gaza. But no appointment had ever been made. Even though she'd been aware that she was experiencing symptoms of trauma, she had put it off, and then by the time the campaign job rolled around, she figured she could handle things on her own. Besides, at that point, she hadn't had time to worry about it, and her travel schedule made seeking help almost impossible. Maybe today she would finally make that call. Maybe. Although, since she was leaving town tomorrow, the call probably wouldn't do her a lot of good. But at least making an appointment to talk to someone was a start. 

Her psyche was obviously under the mistaken impression that she was having… feelings for Josh. Which was just ridiculous. It was probably the restaurant that had done it, she reasoned. After all, Attila the Hun would have found himself in a sappy mood after spending a few hours in that environment. Obviously, she didn't have feelings for him. Well, at one time… maybe. But now, they were just friends… colleagues, who had… missed one another. Since Josh seemed to have stopped picking on her professionally in her dreams, maybe if she concentrated on convincing her psyche that she had no feelings for Josh, this new CJ nightmare would go away, too. 

In the meantime, she would maintain a professional distance from him. However, that was the same vow she'd made yesterday. Yesterday… she’d been horrible at keeping that pledge. Over the course of one day, she'd let her guard down and let him into her life more fully than she had allowed anyone in since… well, for a really long time. It was obvious that she'd made a huge mistake by letting him so near. From now on, the time she was forced to spend with him would be all about work. She would be a dedicated, loyal and valuable member of the Santos/McGarry campaign staff, but that was it. There would be no more magic. 

***

"What's wrong with you?"

"Huh?" Josh looked up from where he'd been concentrating at his computer. When he realized who was standing in his door, he stood and glanced at his watch. 6:30 in the morning. "Congressman, you're here early."

"So are you. I'm just stopping by before the breakfast thing."

"Right, your breakfast thing," Josh repeated brightly as he moved from behind his desk and crossed to the credenza on the other side of his office. "Will is going with you, right?"

"Yes," Matt agreed as he studied Josh with a baffled expression. "Seriously, what's wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?" Josh grabbed a stack of files and headed back to his desk. 

"What I mean is that you're humming."

Josh grimaced as if the other man were crazy. "I'm not humming." After looking through a blue file folder he held it out to the Congressman. "Here, have a look at this; it's the latest statistics from the Department of Education. They don't have them yet, won't be released to the public until next week. And Will has the polling numbers." 

"Thanks." Matt took the folder and sat on the arm of one of Josh's visitors’ chairs. "Well, you're not humming now… now you're grinning like an idiot. But when I walked in… I heard definite humming."

"No disrespect, sir. But that's impossible. I don't hum." Josh bounced up and down quickly on the balls of his feet.

"Well, as much as you could've knocked me over with a feather when I heard you doing it, I have to stick by my story. You were humming."

"Someone must have their radio on." Josh pointed to the folder in Matt's hand as he sat back down. "Pay special attention to the income breakdown on page three. That's going to help you make your case."

"If that was radio, the FCC should look into someone misusing the public airwaves," Matt snorted, as he taped one side of the file folder against his free hand. "Where did you get these?" 

"The President gave them to me yesterday. He helped bring you the teachers; he wants you to keep 'em."

Matt was duly impressed. "Really… great." He slid fully into the chair and opened the folder. They sat in silence as Matt perused the report from ED and Josh went back to tapping on his keyboard. 

"A-ha!"

With a start, Josh stopped typing. "What?"

"A. Ha!" Matt repeated as he pointed accusingly at Josh.

"Did you find something that will help you make your case?" 

"No. You were doing it again."

"Doing what again?"

"The humming. There's no radio. You were humming again. And you've also been grinning like an idiot since I walked in. I've spent a lot of time with you over the last six months. And you've smiled more in the last five minutes than you did cumulatively during that entire time."

"I'm not smiling," Josh protested through a cheesy dimpled grin.

Matt narrowed his eyes and studied his Campaign Manager quizzically. "You're freaking me out."

Josh just smiled even bigger. "You're the second person to tell me that recently."

"Well, stop it."

"Are you ordering me to stop smiling?" Josh chuckled.

"No. You can keep smiling. Just stop freaking me out."

"I'll do my best," Josh promised as he bit his lower lip and went back to typing.

Matt furrowed his brow. "Why are you here so early this morning?"

"You know how dedicated I am," he answered without looking up.

"I do. But it's still early and you look like you've been here awhile."

"Oh, I left pretty early last night and we still have a lot to do to get ready for the California trip tomorrow. Just getting a jump on the day," Josh finished as he glanced at the Congressman. But he was distracted by movement that he saw behind Matt. He just caught a fleeting glimpse, but it looked like a trail of blonde hair entering the office next to his. His grin grew even larger. 

***

"DONNA!" There it was. The bellow was back. She should have known the no-bellowing wouldn't last. She also should have known that she wouldn't have been able to get into her office without him seeing her. What was he doing here so early, anyway? Swallowing hard, she tamped down her desire to flee. She could do this. She was a professional. After the dream, and the cry, she'd given up on sleep and decided to just get into work and start the day. Work would be an excellent distraction from her racing thoughts. But she hadn't counted on Josh being there already. She steeled herself and made a promise that she'd be polite and professional, but wouldn't agree to any more situations that put her too closely in his proximity. Like working in the office next to his. Guess it was too late for that one. She turned around and slowly walked out her door and into his. Matt Santos was sitting in his office. That was unexpected. And a relief. 

"Congressman, you know Donnatella Moss." Josh was already on his feet, having jumped up when he called her name. It had only been about seven hours since he'd dropped her off at her house after dinner, but he felt an energizing rush seeing her again. Actually, he'd been strangely wound up since the second he'd dropped her off-- part of the reason he'd had trouble sleeping. He was too excited to sleep. And when he had finally drifted off for an hour or two, he'd eventually woken up… happy. Tired or not, he'd woken up happier than he'd remembered feeling… at least since before Gaza.

Matt stood and turned towards the door. "Of course… but Donnatella?" 

Donna's blush was visible, especially though her extra-pale skin this morning. "My parents wanted elementary school to be as easy as possible for me." She mentally applauded herself for making a joke. She was witty. Clever, even. Okay, maybe it wasn't that witty or clever, but still, people who made mildly-witty, semi-clever jokes weren't head cases… right? 

She hoped neither of them noticed the dark circles under her eyes. She had used extra cover-up that morning. 

Matt smiled genuinely at her. "Ah. I understand. Donna is good, then?"

Was Donna good? She wasn't altogether sure. Did people who were 'good' have trouble sleeping without their closest friends attacking… 

Oh… he meant was it good to call her Donna. "Yes… yes… Donna is fine… Donna is good. I mean, everyone calls me Donna. Except Josh. I mean, Josh calls me Donna sometimes, but he also calls me Donnatella…" Donna trailed off, realizing she sounded like an idiot. She swallowed hard, there was not reason she should be nervous and in turn resort to nervous prattling around Josh this morning. "Donna is good."

"Donna is a lovely name, but do you mind if I call you Chicken Fighter instead?" The Congressman joked with a straight face.

"Huh?" Donna asked inarticulately. 

"Chicken Fighter. You… the fighter of chickens."

"Well… um… you can call me whatever you'd like, I suppose-"

Matt Santos was obviously suppressing a laugh. But he didn't succumb. "I'm kidding, Donna, welcome to our little campaign. It's just that you provided us with one of the most memorable, and one of my favorite, moments of the campaign. We're very happy to have you on our team. Fighting for us now."

"I'm very happy to be on your team, Congressman."

"Helen tells me that you'll be working with her while we’re on the California swing?"

"Actually, it's more of a loop." Donna made a loop gesture in the air with her finger.

"I'm sorry?" The Congressman wore a bewildered expression.

She continued gesturing. "It was going to be a swing, from bottom to top… San Diego all the way up to Sacramento… but it's turned into more of a loop…" She drew a circle in the air. "We'll start in Los Angeles… and then end back up there." 

"So you'll be working with Helen on the California loop?" He asked with undisguised amusement.

She gulped, realizing she sounded like a babbling ass. "Yes, sir."

"Well, thank you very much. I'm very relieved to know that she'll be in such capable hands."

"Thank you, I'm honored to be working with her."

"And I'll make sure she knows about the loop thing as well." He glanced back at Josh and then with an amused smirk, once again addressed her. "So Donna…"

She took a deep breath and looked at him expectantly. She was doing everything in her power to keep her eyes off of Josh, who was standing just to the left and behind the Congressman, at his desk. But she could tell he was staring at her, and had been grinning throughout her entire exchange with Matt Santos. She knew because she could see his dimples clearly in her peripheral vision. Why was he so smiley this morning? Probably because he didn't remember dropping by her dream for a quick kick-Donna-in-the-gut insult. Or maybe he was just laughing at her whole 'loop' gaff.

"I understand you worked with Josh for some time."

"I did." Donna held her breath and hoped he wouldn’t notice how tense she was. Where in the hell was he going with this? She could not delve into the past right now. She just… couldn't.

"Have you ever known Josh to hum?" Santos wore a curious smirk. Josh was glad the Congressman was looking at Donna, because he could feel himself turning red. Apparently, his body had enough sense to know that if he had indeed been humming, its cause need not know about it. And if she did find out, he should feel embarrassment. 

"Hum?" That was so unexpected that it wholly distracted her from her neurosis.

"Yes, I've caught him humming… twice this morning already."

Donna's eyes went wide. He was humming? What was that about? She glanced at Josh and noticed that he was turning a shade reminiscent of a sunburn she once got in Daytona on Spring Break. Why was he blushing? She cleared her throat in order to buy some time before she spoke. "Yeah… he always hums… uh… when he's going to win an election."

"Is that right?" Santos looked impressed. "Well… then… Josh, hum away. I've got to get a move on if I'm going to make that breakfast." He waved the blue file folder at Josh. "Thanks for this." He turned to Donna on his way out. "And once again, welcome, Donna. I'm relieved we have someone on the team who can explain this guy… and the loop." And with that, he was gone. 

Donna was left standing in Josh's doorway, without a buffer. She stared after the Congressman for several beats, but she could feel Josh's eyes on her. 

Her office door was only a couple feet away. There must be a way for her to gracefully retreat, close the door, and begin working without further conversation with Josh. Unless there was something going on with the campaign that she needed to know about. If they had been having a meeting, maybe there was…

"Everything okay, boss?" She asked in her most professional and polite manner. Even though she hadn't been with the campaign long, it seemed like it should be odd for both Josh and the Congressman to be there so early today. Then another thought struck her. Whose responsibility was it to wake up Josh these days? Who called him and made sure he was up and ready for the day?

"What?" Josh stared at her, wide-eyed. Was she talking about the humming? He was so concerned that she knew about the humming that he didn't notice the odd 'boss' moniker. "No… I mean, yes, everything is fine, I don't know what humming he's talking about." Josh pointed at his head and made a little crazy circle with his finger. 

"I just meant that you two are here so early, did something happen, anything going on I can help with?" She refrained from throwing the 'boss' out there again. Or asking who was on the other end of his morning wake-up call. 

"Oh… no… I couldn't… um… sleep. So I headed in." Now he offered her a smile that seemed almost shy. "Besides, I left fairly early last night."

"Right." She cleared her throat and stood up even straighter than her normally perfect posture allowed. 

"It… was a good dinner," he added softly.

"Yes, the food was excellent." Food! That was perfect. Because most other topics that had to do with last night were decidedly outside the realm of keeping emotional distance from Josh. The night would have to be classified as a natural disaster if it were judged on her ability to stay emotionally detached. But she could do better. She would do better.

"Only the food?" His eyes drilled through her.

She smiled graciously at him, but kept her tone impersonal. "It was very nice, Josh, thanks for taking me to dinner. But you're not the only one who left early. I better go put together a plan for the L.A. fundraiser."

"Kay." Dimples once again made an appearance. 

She was almost free, almost out the door, when she stopped. A voice in her head screamed for her to keep going, but she didn't. Without fully turning around, she asked, "Was it one of your favorite moments of the campaign, too?"

"Huh?" He furrowed his brow, not understanding the question.

"Your chicken. When your chicken attacked Russell and I had to… uh… confront him."

"Oh…" 

"Yeah, was that one of your favorite moments of the campaign too?" Why? Why was she asking him this?

Studying her profile, he thought for a minute. "Yeah. Definitely it was."

"Why?"

It took several seconds before he formulated an answer. "Because you were feisty. And funny." And cute, he added silently. He took a deep breath. "And I knew you were talking to me, when you were arguing with that chicken."

"You think I was talking to you?" She asked incredulously, turning her neck so she could look at him full on. "Your ego never gets smaller, does it?”

"You weren't?" 

Donna was about to deny it, when she stopped. She met his eye. There was no use lying. "I wasn't talking to you… I was yelling at you."

"I know." 

She stared at him dubiously and folded her arms across her chest. "So… one of your favorite moments of the campaign is when I was yelling at you… through a man in a chicken costume."

"Yeah."

"Why?" For some reason she had to know, even though she was pretty sure she was violating the whole distance-from-Josh promise she'd made herself.

"It was the only thing you'd said… or yelled… at me in a really long time." He shrugged. "At least it was something."

She stood stock still. The last two days had been amazingly enlightening. Before yesterday, she'd figured he hadn't given her two thoughts after she walked out on her job and he realized she wasn't coming back. 

He broke the silence. "However… didn't I teach you better than to engage poultry in a battle of wills?" A broad grin broke clear across his face.

With a smirk, she didn't answer his question, but asked one of her own. "So you hum now?"

Josh rolled his eyes and waved a hand towards the door. "Don't you have work to do? A loop..." He mimicked the circular gesture Donna had made for the Congressman earlier. "…of California to plan or something?" 

"Are you sure you don’t want to tell me about the humming first?" Donna pressed again, trying not to blush so he wouldn't have the satisfaction of knowing his teasing had hit its mark. She wasn't cognizant of the fact, but at that moment, for the first time since she'd been rudely awoken that morning, she was relaxed and wearing a natural, easy smile. 

"Get out." He pointed to the door, but he didn't stop smiling himself.

***

Donna stared at the phone on her desk. It was one measly little phone call. She made dozens of phone calls every day, why was this one so hard? Just pick up the phone, dial, and make an appointment when someone answered.

It was just after eight and she was due to meet with the others. Hastily, she rose, and without touching the receiver, left her office.

***

Donna sat in Bram's office as they went through the itinerary that they'd rushed together for the California trip. Ned was giving them a run down of where they would be staying in each city.

"Where's Ronna?" Donna asked curiously when Ned had finished. "I thought she was in charge of travel and logistics."

"She is." Both Jerome and Bram started smirking.

"She's with Will and the Congressman at the meeting with the education lobby this morning," Ned supplied for Donna.

"Oh… I didn't know she was going with him." Donna went back to looking at the clipboard in her hand.

"She wasn't supposed to." This time Bram couldn't suppress a chuckle.

"What so funny?" Donna looked up from her work and quickly glanced from Bram to Jerome and then to Ned.

"Nothing." Jerome shook his head.

Bram nodded quickly. "That's right; you were already gone last night."

"What happened last night?" 

Ned shook his head and rolled his eyes. "They think she has a crush on Will."

"Will?" Donna made a face as if someone had just offered her a nice juicy piece of liver. 

"I know… love the guy like a brother, but I don't see the appeal." Jerome mimicked Donna's expression of distaste.

"I'm sure he's not bad if you like the intellectual type," Bram interjected dryly. 

"You guys should stop it." Donna gave them all her best disapproving glare. "You shouldn't be gossiping," she admonished, before relenting. "Okay… I'll bite, why do you think she has a crush on Will?"

"Because they were arguing about the education plan last night. She was getting Will up to speed and they were debating the finer points. Finally, he was apparently tired of arguing with her, so he just said, 'Fine, if you don't trust me with the plan, why don't you just come to the meeting yourself.' And she refused, but then she moved heaven and earth to go, anyway."

"So…" Donna was still confused about what that had to do with a crush.

"So she stayed until midnight last night on the phone with the air charter company finishing the travel arrangements for California, so she could be away from the office this morning." 

"Let me get this straight… just because Ronna wanted to go to a meeting between the Democratic nominee for President and the largest teacher's lobby in the United States… you assume she has a crush on Will?" Donna voice was more than a little huffy.

"Well… yeah… and…" Jerome let his sentence hang.

"And what?" Donna demanded. "Because so far it just sounds like she's interested in professional development.”

"And there was a vibe," Bram finished for him.

While she remained unperturbed on the outside, Donna was petrified on the inside. If they thought that about Ronna, who sounded like she just wanted to go to a high-level meeting… what would they assume if they knew about her little dinner with Josh over wine at the Love Garden? What kind of vibe would they get from that? The last thing her psyche needed right now was for other people to have the misconception that she had a crush on the boss. She didn't think she could fight those rumors AND convince her subconscious that it wasn't true at the same time. 

Just then Josh stuck his head in the door and narrowed his eyes. He didn't like finding Donna in a room with three guys ogling her. And that was what they were doing. He could tell. "What's goin' on in here?"

"Just finishing up the outline for the trip," Ned supplied from the corner of the room. 

Donna added, "The skeleton is finished. We can add things as they arise, but we've got a very solid game plan for the next five days."

"Great. Good job, everyone. I know that was a quick turnaround, I appreciate the hard work." Pleased, he turned to leave before halting his progress. He turned back and started to ask, "Did the thing get-"

"Done," Donna replied promptly.

"What about-" 

"It's a qualified yes, depending on whether or not…"

"The Congressman agrees…" Josh finished her thought.

"Will he?"

"It depends…"

"On the thing." Donna nodded her head in understanding.

"It'll be wait and see."

"Yes, but-" Donna cocked her head meaningfully at him.

"They are?" Josh asked, obviously pleased.

"Right where we need them on the other thing. Yes."

"I knew it! So that means-"

She glanced at her clipboard. "Scheduled for Friday morning, right after we leave the rally in Sacramento." 

"The guy-"

"Very excited, he'll meet us there."

"And the other-"

"Don't worry… the timing works out so he won't even run into the guy from the other place."

Josh bit his lip to keep from grinning too bigly at her. It was amazing having someone he could count on, no matter what, back on his team. Working together, they really were a formidable pair. 

"Great." He once again was about to back out of the office when he stopped. Sporting a mischievous grin, his eyes didn't leave Donna. "Donna did fill you all in, didn't she?" He didn't wait for anyone to answer before he continued. "The trip is now officially to be called the California Loop… not the California Swing." He motioned to Donna with his chin. "Show them… do the finger thingy."

"Shut up." Hiding her own smile, Donna shook her head and lowered her eyes to the papers in front of her.

Once Josh had gone, the room fell silent. 

When Donna looked up from her notes, she found three pairs of eyes staring at her in wonder. "What?"

"What?" Jerome repeated mockingly. "What do you mean, 'what'? What in heaven's name was that?"

Donna surveyed each of them in turn with confusion. "What do you mean?"

"That… that thing…" Bram used for lack of a better word. "That you just did with Josh. What was that? How did you know what he was talking about? How did he know what you were talking about? "

Ned just shook his head. "I've never seen anything like that."

"I just told him about the situation with the environmentalists… what's the big deal?" She spoke slowly.

"The big deal is that it was gibberish. You didn't use any actual words that conveyed information!" Jerome cocked an eyebrow at her. "I've been working with you for five months… I've never seen you communicate with Will… or me… or anybody like that."

"Oh…" She and Josh had fallen into her own pattern rather easily. She hadn't even noticed that they were doing it. It felt… natural. Normal. "It's just a… thing… we do."

"A thing you do?" Bram was giving her a curious look.

She shrugged, trying to feign nonchalance. These were not the kind of enquiries she needed to be fielding today. Questions about her connection with Josh. "We worked together a long time. You develop a shorthand. That's all it is… a shorthand."

"Or ESP," Ned offered. "No wonder you got the big office next to his."

"Ah… maybe that's it. Do you have a psychic connection with our fearless leader, Donna? If so, can you make him think I need a raise?" Bram asked, rubbing his hands together nefariously. 

"And that I need to go on the California trip," Jerome piped up from beside him.

Donna stood and pointed to Bram. "To you, no." She shifted her finger to Jerome, "To you, yes."

"Yes, you can make him think I need to be on the California trip with you guys?"

"No, you're already on the California trip. Will wants you to meet with the CDP and several other friendly organizations and integrate their volunteer database with ours. Utilize the internet to galvanize grassroots efforts. How we're going to do that… well, that's your job on this trip." 

Jerome looked thrilled and nudged Bram with his shoulder. "How about that? I'm going."

"It's good," Bram agreed.

Donna looked at them oddly. They had become fast friends. Poor Ned sat off in the corner like the red-headed stepchild during their meeting. Maybe they had gotten buddy-buddy last night while she was out… with Josh. She dismissed the thought and headed for the door. "I've got to go make a phone call."

***

It was close to five o'clock by the time she finally made the call. The rest of the day had been okay. She hadn't really seen Josh as she'd been so busy with her own work. Finally, she took a wrinkled business card out of her wallet, picked up the receiver and dialed the number.

Josh had just been about to knock on her mostly closed door and push it open when he realize she was in the middle of a phone conversation. Frozen, he stood outside her door. He knew he shouldn’t listen to her private conversation, but one word had grabbed his attention. And even though he should, he couldn't force himself to back away. 

"Yes, by that definition. I would say they are recurrent. Some are full of images directly related to the… uh… traumatic experience… others are… not."

"How disoriented? Then no, I'm not disoriented."

"I can't, I'm going on a business trip." 

"Tuesday would be the earliest… but even then…"

"I'm not… okay, yes. Next Tuesday at noon. I should be able to make it." She listened for a second. "I will make it. Thank you."

Josh backed away from the door. There was no mistaking what he had heard. Recurrent… that had to be referring to dreams. And images of the traumatic experience? That could only mean she was dreaming about Gaza. Of course. Of course she was dreaming about Gaza. Why hadn't it occurred to him before? He felt guilty for having violated her privacy, but also hugely relieved to know what it was that was bothering her. 

He knew about dreams. They could have a powerful effect over the waking hours as well. His heart contracted painfully in his chest at the thought of what she must be going through. He wondered how long she'd been experiencing them. Was it a recent thing, or had they been bothering her for some time? Then it hit him, was she suffering from them when she'd left him… left the job? Had he failed to recognize something that had been horribly obvious? Had he made a bad situation worse? Guilt flooded over him and once again he chastised himself for not going to lunch with her. It was a mistake he was determined not to make again.

At least it sounded like she was making an appointment to see someone. That was good. Very good. In the meantime, he would keep an eye on her. Once upon a time, she had been there for him, and he was determined to do the same for her.

When Donna hung up her phone, she felt both relieved… and terrified. She didn't know what therapy would be like, but it wasn't something she was looking forward to. On the other hand, it felt good to know that she was doing something… taking the first step in making all of it stop. She hoped it could stop; she truly did want to go back to normal. Trouble was, she couldn't really remember what normal felt like. Although, she suspected if might feel like today… if she didn't have the overriding anxiety of her nightmares coloring her vision of everything. A week. She just had to get through the next week. That shouldn't be a problem; she'd gotten through a lot longer than that.

But of course, that week would be spent in California, in close quarters with Josh. Just because spending time with him seemed to be the trigger for her psyche to punish her, a trip together shouldn't be a problem. Right?


	8. Chapter 8

He sat near the back of the plane trying to work, a lone figure attempting to chart a course for a dark horse candidate to win the American presidency over crushing odds. But for Josh Lyman, it was just another day at the office. 

Now that it was actually a possibility, it should have been overwhelming, this thing he had taken on, this thing he was doing. But it wasn't, because he wasn't doing it alone. At least, not anymore. Oh, it was true that he'd had a lot of help in the last few months and he'd grown to trust and rely on Santo's original staff, people like Ronna and Ned. But it still wasn't the same as having his own people, people of great talent that he trusted unconditionally, surrounding and supporting him. And despite the fact that exactly one week ago he'd been locked in a battle to electoral death with some of those very people while others hadn't thought the campaign had the mettle to go the distance, he did trust them, and the campaign was better for their presence.

There was also no question that he was better for their presence. And by their… he, of course, meant her. 

Oh, it meant everything to him that Leo had accepted the nomination for Vice President, and he was eternally grateful to Sam, who was meeting Leo today in Chicago. He had no worries about what was happening back in DC-- Will was there, holding down the fort, writing furiously and putting together a new full-scale assault plan for Communications. But the person who gave him the most strength, the person whose mere presence comforted him immeasurably, was currently sitting about fifteen feet in front of him, blonde head bent studiously over a table. 

He felt a twinge of jealousy spasm in his gut when he recognized that her head wasn't the only one bent over the table; two brunette ones joined hers. It was irrational. He knew that. But it hit him every time he saw Donna with someone he perceived as a threat. And those two were very obviously… a threat. A threat to what… well, he granted that that was a gray area. He had no right to an emotion as possessive as jealousy when it came to Donna, but that didn't mean he didn't feel it… hadn't always felt it.

The roar of the converted 737 was too dull, so he forced a yawn in order to pop his ears. That was better. Now he could more clearly hear the engines and the low chatter of the others in the cabin. But he still couldn't hear what they were saying, what had them all so captivated on that table.

Movement caught his eye just a few feet in front of him. An unconscious smile passed his lips as he saw Helen Santos trying to pick up the sleeping form of her son off of Matt's lap. But the kid wasn't cooperating. After a lengthy, unsuccessful wrestling match with unwieldy limbs and the awkward weight of her sleeping child, she flopped down in the seat across from Matt and dissolved into silent giggles.

"He's fine," Matt whispered with a smile, trying not to laugh himself. 

Helen bit her lip and stood. Quickly and impulsively, she leaned over to brush her lips across the side of her husband's face. "At least he's going to be well-rested; your daughter hasn't slept a wink the entire trip." Helen offered Josh a friendly nod as she passed him on her way to the very back of the plane. 

In that moment it hit him so fully and so powerfully that it would have knocked him on his backside if he'd been standing. He wanted that. He wanted a sleeping son curled up on his lap, and a wife sitting across from him, laughing and worrying about how much the kids were sleeping. And he knew who he wanted it with. 

And suddenly that person was coming towards the back of the plane, but she wasn't looking at him. 

"Helen…" Donna called softly as she came to a stop; her hand actually hovered on the headrest of Josh's chair. When Helen looked back, Donna continued, "Anytime you're ready, we can go over the day."

"Sure." Helen looked down at the comfortable clothes she'd thrown on early that morning for the plane and then glanced at her watch. "We'll be landing soon; I better change into the ‘work’ clothes we picked out." She actually used air quotes around the word 'work.' "Give me just a few minutes?"

"Take your time." Donna smiled and then hesitated a second before turning back towards her seat.

Impetuously, Josh grabbed her hand. When she looked down at him expectantly, he said the only thing that came to mind. "Good morning."

Donna's lips tugged upwards, but she didn’t succumb to a full smile. "We said good morning four hours ago when we got on this plane."

"We did?"

She thought back. "Well, we said hello."

"It's not the same thing." Josh shook his head assuredly.

She eyed him suspiciously. "Still, hasn't a good morning greeting almost passed its sell- by date for the day?"

He checked his watch. "It's only 8am in California."

"Oh… well… in that case then, good morning," she offered before starting to head back, but Josh didn't let go of her hand. 

Donna felt her heart thud in her chest. He was holding her hand. That didn't seem to be a thing that should be happening if she was going to keep her dealings with Josh strictly professional. Hand-holding between colleagues didn't strike her as remotely professional.

"Talk to me a minute," Josh asked when she looked down to their hands and back up at him questioningly. He let go of her but motioned with his head to the seat across from him.

After a moment of careful consideration, she complied by sliding into the large comfortable seat that faced him. In this part of the plane, the rows were arranged like a luxury train; groupings of two seats facing two others on either side of the aisle.

She was looking at him expectantly. Apparently, she expected him to speak. He searched for something important and meaningful to say. Something that conveyed the fact that he had just realized he wanted much more in his life, and she was the one he wanted it with. "So… not a bad breakfast…"

"Huh?" Donna stared at him like he'd just announced he was planning a fishing trip with Rush Limbaugh. 

"You know… the food we had earlier. It wasn't bad… for plane food, that is." Man, he really was an idiot. How was it possible, with all his education and life experience, that this was the best he could do? His mouth was dry. Why was his mouth dry? He was just talking to Donna. Of course, he was just talking to her after realizing he wanted… everything… with her. But still.

"It was… alright…" She studied him with a puzzled expression.

"Uh… the fruit was… good. Ripe. I… um… especially liked the melon." Seriously, what in the hell was he saying? It was like staring into her blue, blue eyes turned him into Screech. Hey, lots of times he didn't have to go into work until later on Saturday mornings and there was nothing else on. 

Suddenly, something dawned on her and she shook her head at him with disgust. Earlier she'd seen Josh talking with the pretty, well-endowed brunette flight attendant and had felt her stomach involuntarily tighten with… something. She wasn't sure what. But it wasn't a moment she'd enjoyed. At all. "I bet you did." 

He caught her smirk and her tone and questioned slowly, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know." Her arms were crossed and her look was pointed. 

"No, I don't."

"I saw you… looking at her… melons."

"Whose melons…" he asked carefully and with some trepidation.

"The flight attendant," Donna revealed, but suddenly she wasn't as confident as before. She really wasn't sure what had come over her. Why would she notice or care if Josh had looked at the flight attendant's melons in the first place? Except that she'd always noticed those types of things and she'd definitely always cared. Even when she hadn't wanted to.

Josh opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. He honestly couldn't remember anything about the flight attendant who had served him breakfast, even whether it had been a man or woman. Finally he started sputtering. "You think… I mean… me… looking at… you thought I meant her…"

Uh oh. There was a chance Donna had missed the mark. She decided he looked honestly confused. Perhaps he wasn't making a suggestive crack about the large-busted flight attendant. She felt a blush begin to creep over her cheeks. "Nothing… I thought nothing."

"You didn't like me looking at the flight attendant's melons…" Josh said it with wonder. Like he was just discovering something fantastic and unbelievable. 

"Don't be ridiculous." Donna took on a no-nonsense tone. "I don't care whose melons you look at."

"Even though I didn't… you thought I did… and you didn't like it." Josh couldn't help himself. He was grinning like an idiot. 

She stared at him for a minute, searching for a way to change the subject from her moment of… she wouldn't call it jealousy… she'd just call it a misunderstanding. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"What?"

"A minute ago, before the… you know… you asked me to sit down so we could talk. What did you want to talk to me about?"

With a slight grimace, he bit his lip and just stared at her for a minute. What did he want to talk to her about? Nothing really… he just wanted to talk _to_ her. And while there were 101 campaign-related items that he could have brought up to cover that fact, all he could manage was, "Hi."

"Hi," she responded back, once again feeling a blush creep across her face. Why was she blushing now? She wasn't positive, but it could have something to do with the way he was looking at her. 

Just then Helen Santos walked up. "I'm ready if you are, Donna." But then she stopped and looked first at Donna and then to Josh as they sat staring at one another. "Unless you're in the middle of something..."

"Huh?" Donna tore her gaze from Josh. "No, no, I'm not in the middle of anything. Let's go… up there." She pointed ahead a couple of rows. "I'll just grab my notebook."

She looked down at Josh once she was back on her feet. "Bye."

"Bye." Josh's voice was soft as he watched her follow Helen to a set of unoccupied chairs several rows in front of him. Oh yeah. While he fully realized that there were issues she needed to work through… this was going to happen. He was going to help her, he was going to woo her and then he was going to do what men do when they find the woman who is their future. Now, how he was going to do that, and in what order, was anybody's guess. But he was determined. 

***

The next two days passed quickly. Meeting the plane at the Burbank airport was the South Pasadena High School marching band, several thousand banner-waving supporters and a contingent of press that far outnumbered the reporters that traveled with them on the plane. Also meeting them were Helen's sister, brother-in-law, and children, who were residents of the area. It had been determined that Matt and Helen’s kids would stay with them for the five whirlwind days of the California loop. 

Wednesday started off like a shot. After brief remarks, hand-shaking, and a photo op at the airport, the camps separated. Josh had meetings with high-ranking California Democrats and special interest groups, Santos and the majority of staffers and press were in for a tornado of campaign appearances and speeches, a junior staffer was in charge of chaperoning everyone's luggage to the hotel while Donna went with Helen, several junior staffers and a smaller contingent of press as they made eleven stops over the next ten hours-- including a successful noontime speech to the Los Angeles-area National Association of Women Business Owners. Ever since Helen's appearance at the luncheon had been announced two days earlier, demand was so high that the regularly scheduled monthly meeting had outgrown two different venues, until finally, late Tuesday, the food had been shelved and it was moved to an auditorium that would accommodate several thousand people. 

When told how the luncheon had expanded and changed over the last day and half, Helen had been nervous to the point that Donna thought she might hyperventilate in the car. But Donna had calmly talked her through the speech and Helen had risen to the challenge, no paper bag required. The rest of the day was spent at planned stops from East LA to Beverly Hills, including the Los Angeles Children's Hospital, a non-profit daycare center in El Segundo, and a senior center in Watts. During the first part of the day Helen had been uncomfortable with the photographers who recorded every move she made. Even thought it wasn't her first time experiencing it, usually they were focused on Matt, not her, or at least she'd always told herself that. But by mid-morning, she’d forgotten their presence and begun to go about the business of shaking hands and listening to people's stories. 

For the day, she'd worn a light sand-colored suit with a skirt that just skimmed her knees and a starched, collared pink shirt underneath. Donna had wanted Helen's clothes to speak of someone who was smart and dignified, but still accessible and feminine. A woman who was refined, but would have no problem rolling up her sleeves and pitching in when necessary, which was exactly what happened, quite literally, during a stop at the downtown Los Angeles Rescue Mission. During a tour of the facility, the entourage was informed that the center was having a sink back-up due to a broken garbage disposal, and to please pardon any unpleasant odors.

That night, almost every evening newscast in the country, plus all the cable networks, aired footage of Helen Santos attired in large yellow rubber gloves, one hand down a sink, successfully unsticking a chicken bone from a garbage disposal at a homeless shelter. Of course, many other images of both Matt and Helen from the very public campaign day were prevalent across all media, but none were as ubiquitous as Helen triumphantly holding up a chicken bone with yellow rubber glove-clad hands. In fact, the image would eventually go on to be the cover of Time magazine several weeks later, when they ran an in-depth profile of the woman who would be first lady. 

By the time they reached the final event of their first successful day, Donna was exhausted, but incredibly satisfied. She was proud of Helen, and she was proud of herself for guiding the congressman’s wife effectively through the pitfalls of the day. All parts of the campaign had met back up at a mixer thrown by the California Democratic Party at their hotel. Donna spoke with Josh briefly, but only to give him a quick recap of the day.

When the clock struck midnight, Donna finally found herself headed up the elevator to her room. She hadn't yet seen the inside of her hotel room, and yet they all had to be back on the plane in a few hours for a 7am wheels-up, so they could do it all over again the next day in San Diego. 

***

Donna glanced at her watch. 8pm sharp. It had been a second incredibly full day. But they were finished right on time. That morning, she wouldn’t have thought they would have hit their scheduled end time within an hour, but blessedly, she would have been wrong. 

Helen had given essentially the same speech she'd given to the NAWBO three more times in San Diego that day. Donna could see her confidence grow each time. Now Helen was sprawled, for lack of a better word, across the back bench seat of the town car, Donna seated next to her. Helen turned her head towards her. "Do you know how late Matt's schedule goes tonight?"

"I think…" Donna flipped through a three-ring binder, looking for the information. "Here we go. Looks like his last scheduled appointment was at eight. So I'd guess another hour… or three." 

"Argh." Helen's sigh was strangled.

Donna smiled at her with sympathy. She knew the feeling. Not the feeling of waiting for her husband to finish a meeting and come home, but the feeling of waiting for… someone else, to finish with endless political meetings… never mind. She shook her head; it was a bad analogy. Even if it was just to herself. 

"I need a drink," Helen declared resolutely. "Do you need a drink?"

It only took a split-second of consideration for Donna to agree. "Yes, I definitely could use a drink."

"Excellent. When we get back to the hotel… we'll have a drink. We are done, right?" Helen suddenly looked apprehensive again.

"We're done," Donna reassured.

"Good. Then the only thing I have left to do is call the kids… but I can do that right now." She began to feel around the seat under her, searching for her purse, but before she could find it, Donna handed her a cell phone. Even though she wasn't Helen's assistant, old habits died hard. Like making sure the people around her had what they needed, when they needed it.

"Thank you. You know, I'd feel guilty about leaving them, but between my sister’s pool and their cousins… I don't think they miss us very much."

"I bet." Donna smiled widely. "You didn't mention the pool before… had you, I think I would have opted to go with them."

"Me, too." Helen nodded before dialing. After several minutes of conversation, she hung up the phone and handed it to Donna. "Just as I suspected. Having the time of their life and had no interest in speaking to Mom. Apparently, I was interrupting a game of Twister with the neighbor kids." Helen smiled, but she couldn't stifle a melancholy sigh.

"You're worried… about how all of this is affecting them," Donna surmised knowingly, as she shrugged out of her suit jacket. 

Helen paused a second, before nodding. "Of course. I just… I tell myself that they're fine. But if this happens… if we go all the way, are they going to end up resenting us for changing their lives and putting them through this?"

Donna stopped wrestling with her jacket and looked at her sympathetically, trying to find the words to reassure her. Finally she just shrugged. "Maybe."

Helen stared at her a second and then burst out laughing. The kind of deep belly laughing that comes from the release of nervous pent-up energy and exhaustion. 

"What?" Donna narrowed her eyes with confusion.

When Helen caught her breath, she accused with unveiled amusement, "That wasn't very supportive."

Donna felt her face flush. "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have been so blunt."

"No, actually… thank you. I'd gotten rather used to a 'yes, ma'am,' tell-you-whatever-will-shut-you-up-ma'am mentality in the last few months."

"Josh wouldn't lie to you," Donna responded quickly and without a trace of humor in her tone.

Helen suppressed a desire to study her curiously; it had become obvious in the last few days that there was something she was missing in Donna's relationship with Josh. There was obviously loyalty, but it seemed like there was more to it than that. "No… you're right… I don't think Josh has ever lied. Actually, he's been pretty upfront about our chances and the sacrifices."

She watched Donna relax visibly. Without taking her eyes off her, Helen asked, "You were at the White House for a long time, weren't you?"

"I was."

"What's it like?"

"What's it like?" Donna repeated, not exactly sure what Helen wanted to know.

"Yeah… did you like it there? Tell me about it."

"Hmmm… well, I worked there for seven years and it never stopped being awe-inspiring."

"I suppose the building itself is pretty amazing."

"You've never been there?" Donna asked with surprise.

Helen shook her head. 

"Oh, well, I'll arrange a visit when you're back in D.C." Donna smiled kindly at her as she pulled her hair back from her face and fixed it into a tidy ponytail. "But I wouldn't be surprised if the current first lady doesn't invite you for lunch before then, anyway."

"Oh…" Helen raised an eyebrow. "Dr. Bartlet… I've met her a handful of times, but only briefly. She's an impressive woman."

"She is," Donna agreed. 

"What’s she like?" Helen asked eagerly, wanting as much information as possible on the woman in whose footsteps she would soon be following… that is, if everything went according to plan.

"She's…" Donna paused, searching for the correct description of the formidable lady.

"Yeah?" Helen prodded.

"A ball-buster." Donna finally finished matter-of-factly. They were both silent for a second and then simultaneously started laughing.

Helen smirked at her. "Isn't that sacrilege to say about the first lady?"

"Probably. But it's true."

"So you didn't like her?"

"I didn't say that," Donna spoke quickly. "I do like her. You notice that I said she busted _balls._ "

"Ahhh…"

"Yes… Josh was on the receiving end of that from time to time."

Helen chucked again. "I bet he was."

"She's tough… and just like the president, she doesn't like to be handled…but…" Donna thought back to a birthday party several years earlier. "I have to say she does appreciate the truth when she hears it."

"What about CJ Cregg?" Helen asked, drinking in everything Donna had to say.

"CJ?" Donna felt her muscles involuntarily tighten and her stomach begin to churn. "Um… well, CJ, she's… uh… great… she-"

Just then the window to the town car lowered and the driver announced that they'd turned into the hotel. 

***

Both ladies excused themselves to drop their belongings in their respective rooms before meeting back for drinks. Donna took the opportunity to freshen up as well, checking her make-up and putting on clean clothes. She opted for a more casual red cashmere tank top and black cropped pants with sandals. If she was going to have a drink to unwind, she might as well be comfortable. 

When Donna arrived back at the lobby bar of the Manchester Grand Hyatt, Helen was already there. She'd changed as well, into khaki capris and a stretchy orange fitted T.

"Do you like margaritas?" Helen asked before Donna had a chance to pull out a stool at the bar.

"Sure. I guess."

"Good. I just ordered a pitcher."

"A pitcher?" Donna's eyes went wide enough to fall out of her head.

"I'm from Texas," was Helen's only explanation. Which in and of itself was enough to elicit a chuckle from Donna. So she reconciled herself to having a margarita. Or several. It wasn't actually that much of a hardship. 

The bartender arrived with two salt-rimmed glasses filled with ice and started to pour the golden liquid. Donna watched it splash into the glass until he finished and handed one to her.

"So you were going to tell me about CJ Cregg," Helen said as she took a sip of her drink through a straw.

"I was?" Donna crinkled her brow as she tried to buy time. After her dream the other night, she didn't feel like talking about CJ.

"Yeah. I met her at the DNC party. She seems like an amazing woman."

"She is." Donna forced a smile as she took a big sip of her margarita. The tequila burned her throat slightly, but it was good. Really good. And strong.

"Is it true she's gay?" Helen whispered the question.

Donna choked on her drink. After she recovered, she shook her head and chuckled. "I'd forgotten about that news story. It broke after I left."

At Helen's questioning look, Donna quickly offered her an answer. "No… at least not to my knowledge."

"You must have known her fairly well after working together for so long."

"We were friends," Donna agreed.

"Were? Not anymore?"

"We're still… friends. But being Chief of Staff, she's… busy, and since I don't work there anymore we haven't had a chance to catch up lately. Probably not since that same DNC fundraiser."

"Ah…" Helen nodded in understanding. "I'm sure becoming Chief of Staff changed her life. What an overwhelming job."

"It's especially overwhelming if you're not qualified for the job."

Now it was Helen's turn to choke on her drink. She sputtered for a second as Donna's hand flew to her mouth in horror. "I didn't mean to say that out loud. It must be the margarita. I should never have said that!"

Helen's lips quirked skyward as she caught her breath after all the choking. "You've only taken a couple of sips."

"Still… I've… uh… heard tequila lowers your inhibitions… that must be it."

"Sure..." Helen studied her for several long seconds. "You really think she wasn't qualified?"

"Yes…" Donna finally admitted she'd meant what she'd said. "At least she wasn't as qualified as other people who were passed over for her." Donna had really never talked about this with anyone. When it had all gone down she'd been too preoccupied with… well, sufficed to say, she'd been preoccupied. 

"Really?" Shock was written all over Helen's face at Donna's frankness.

"Really. Listen, I respect President Bartlet more than I can say and I'm sure he had his reasons. But from my perspective, it was ridiculous and a slap in the face to the people she leapfrogged." Donna decided that as long as it was too late to take it back, she might as well be honest. It dawned on her that this was something that she never would have said in the past, especially to some she'd just met. She blamed it on the forced intimacy and camaraderie of the campaign trail… and of course on the tequila.

"Josh," Helen surmised.

"And Toby Ziegler." 

"But you're upset she leapfrogged Josh."

"He was senior to her and she had neither his experience nor his expertise." 

"I see. But you still… like her?"

"Sure… of course. For years I held her up as a… role model. I admired her."

Helen had parted her lips to ask a question when Donna qualified her statement forcefully. "Professionally. I held her up as a role model professionally."

"Just professionally."

"Yeah… the gay rumors that dogged her personal life notwithstanding…" The corner of Donna's lip twitched. "I would hope to have more of one… a personal life, that is."

"I suppose that's hard… working where you guys worked."

"Yeah. And even though I never had much luck with one… the more I think about it… I'm not sure I'm willing to totally forfeit mine like CJ has. But I don't think her way is the only way to do it. Substituting one-night stands and drinks with some guy from the post-intelligencer for love… rather than holding out hope for something real-"

"What?" Helen looked at her with total confusion.

"Huh? Oh nothing." Horror washed over Donna, what was she saying? Apparently, Dream!CJ wasn't the only one she still had a few unresolved issues with. "I just… it's tough to have a personal life and work that much and be that committed… that's all."

"So if my husband wins, I should expect never to see him again?" Helen looked fatigued at the thought.

Donna smiled generously at her. "Well… that's the beauty of being President… you sort of get to be in charge of that." 

"Good answer." Helen tried to laugh, but didn't fully succeed. "All of this is just beginning to set in."

"There have been sacrifices. But nobody said there wouldn't be." Donna's voice was soft and she quickly busied herself taking another sip of her drink. 

Helen knew, or at least thought she knew, what Donna was talking about. She knew Donna was the White House staffer who had survived the terrorist attack on the Codel. "Do you regret pursuing this path… or is that a stupid question?"

"It's not stupid. But I don't regret it." She was decisive in her answer. "I… I wish that some of the things that have happened… hadn't happened. But that would probably be true of any path I'd chosen. I wouldn't have wanted to miss a minute with Josh."

Helen tried to keep her reaction off her face, but she couldn't stop her eyebrows from shooting up or her eyes from going wide. It took Donna a second before she realized what she'd said.

When she did, she started vigorously shaking her head. But it was too late. She'd said it and it was out there. Sputtering, she uttered, "I didn't mean that."

"You didn't?" Helen asked the question with curiosity, but without judgment.

"Not the way it sounded." She rushed to get the words out, so they ended up all running together.

"Okay."

"I didn't!" Donna replied defensively as if Helen hadn't indicated she hadn't believed her. "It's just that he was… my best friend." It was a truth that surprised Donna as much as Helen. Donna had thought of him in a lot of ways, but it had been a long time since she would have labeled him anything as intimate as that, even in retrospect. 

Helen looked at her benevolently. "I believe you. And I'm so sorry to be giving you the third degree. It's just that I'm trying to get a handle on what it's going to be like if it happens and you're the only one I can talk to-"

"So while we've been out working all day, you two have been sitting here enjoying a cold cocktail?" A masculine voice, containing an unmistakable gravity necessary to sound presidential, boomed from behind them.

They both whipped around to see the Congressman and Josh approaching.

"Hey!" Helen reached out to rub her husband's arm as he leaned down and kissed her cheek in greeting.

"What are you drinking?" Josh asked, his eyes drinking in Donna. She was quite a sight for thirsty eyes. If he'd realized that having her work with Helen would have kept them as separated as it had, he never would have planned it that way, even though Helen and Donna were doing a phenomenal job together. He was thrilled with Helen's public image so far. And while it was true that he'd spent months not seeing Donna at all, now that she was back in his life, he didn't like the separation. At all. 

Instead of answering his question, Donna offered him her glass. Without hesitating, he took a sip from her straw. "Mmm… girly, but not bad."

"Hey," Matt replied sharply, but with humor. "Did you just call a drink that contains tequila girly? That could get you shot in Texas."

"Good thing we're not in Texas." Josh grinned widely. 

"You guys are back early," Helen interrupted, glancing at her watch.

Josh sighed, yet smiled at the same time. "Actually, according to the schedule, we're fifteen minutes late. But that's a miracle in and of itself."

Matt took a gulp from the side of Helen's salty glass. "I'm starving. You guys hungry?" He glanced between the two women. "This hotel is supposed to have a pretty decent restaurant… actually, several of them. What do you say we go find out?"

"Food… yes!" Helen grabbed her drink in one hand and the half-full pitcher of margaritas in the other and hopped off her stool, but Donna hung back. When Helen noticed she wasn’t following, she turned back. "Aren't you coming?"

She swallowed hard, still a bit shaken after her slip about Josh a few minutes earlier. Saying things like that to Helen Santos was going to do nothing to help her keep a professional distance from Josh. The last thing she needed was to trot off for what could only become a big old double date. No matter how inviting it sounded. "I've… uh… got some… stuff I should be doing… besides, I'm really not that hungry."

"You're kidding. You haven't eaten all day."

"What!?" Josh had meant it to be a question, but it came out as more of a screech. He'd been about to beg off himself… he had no desire to be there if Donna wasn't going… but now he was on a mission.

"I had a bagel at the League of Women Voters brunch… after the rally," Donna defended, but Josh stared at her, unyielding.

Finally Donna rolled her eyes at him and relented. She smiled at Helen and Matt. "I'd love to join you for dinner."

As she passed Josh, she grabbed her drink back from him and softly whispered, "Bully!"

He didn't respond, but couldn’t suppress a smile as he fell into step with her on their way to have dinner… again.


	9. Chapter 9, Part A

"Where are we going?" Still carrying the margaritas in one hand and her glass in the other, Helen came to an abrupt stop and turned to her would-be dinner companions. It didn't seem to faze her that she was strolling around the elegantly-appointed grand lobby carting a pitcher of booze like she was a college co-ed on Spring Break.

Donna exchanged a glance with Josh and the message passed between them without any words; she quickly handed her drink back to him as she decided to immediately relieve Helen of the pitcher. Even though she didn't see any photographers or anyone who seemed to be paying them any mind, it was better to be safe than sorry.

"Let me carry that," Donna offered quickly, taking the alcohol from Helen before answering her question. "I know there's a restaurant on the top floor that's supposed to be good. Amazing views. This morning at the rally, Bram and Jerome and some of the others were talking about some famous chef being there and wanting to check it out tonight." 

Immediately Josh shook his head. "Then let's go someplace else."

"Why?" Donna looked at him curiously. 

"Because… uh…" How was Josh going to explain that he didn't want to eat around the other staffers, especially those two, without sounding elitist or obviously jealous? "Um… that place sounds fancy, why don't we see if they've got a more casual restaurant around here."

"Casual! Excellent. I know just the place." Helen sounded triumphant as she started walking with a purpose. She'd studied a brochure of hotel restaurants while waiting for Donna in the bar. "Follow me towards the pool."

Donna looked at Josh and he just shrugged at her. "I guess we're following her towards the pool." They fell into step once again.

***

"But I have to take my shoes off?"

"You're the one who wanted casual, Josh." Donna smirked at him as she flipped off her wedge sandals and dangled them from her right index finger. "Besides, you don't _have_ to take them off. You can wear your socks and shoes. You'll look like an idiot, and they'll get filthy… but you can do it."

"You're not going to win that one, Josh," Santos piped up, shaking his head. Shoes already off, he was gamely shrugging out of his suit jacket and hanging it on one of the cubby hooks by the restaurant's entrance. Guessing from the number of cubbies that were filled, they weren't the only patrons who had to dress down upon entry. Watching them, Helen sipped from her glass; once again both hands were full, having rescued the pitcher from Donna moments earlier. 

Josh sneered at the lot of them, but obediently sat down on a bench and started to unlace his shoes. When he was done, he stuffed his socks into the shoes and shoved them into the cubby that already contained Donna's shoes.

"If anyone takes these… you're buying me a new pair."

"Yes, I'm certain someone at this restaurant is going to steal your smelly shoes."

"My shoes aren't smelly. And they could take them by mistake."

Donna didn't marshal a response to that, but she did look at him critically. "You know what you also need to lose?" Without thinking about it or waiting for a reply, she sat down on the bench next to him and started loosening the knot at his throat. 

"Let me guess, the tie?" Josh asked with a chuckle as he started rolling up the sleeves of his shirt, taking care to leave her room to work at his neck.

"You're going to have to lose the tie," Donna parroted as she slipped the knot and pulled the silk from his neck. 

"I thought you didn't dress me anymore?" Josh asked, his eyes not leaving her face. He was a bit breathless from her proximity and the way her hands fluttered so close to his body. He decided that whoever suggested they come to a restaurant that required him to dress down… was brilliant. 

"I'm not dressing you… I'm undressing you." 

Instantly, Josh's heartbeat was elevated and his palms grew sweaty. Studying her, he visually could find no sign that she was aware of how she was currently affecting him. When he responded, his voice was low. "That's one change I can live with."

She blew off his innuendo and ignored the flutter she felt in her stomach at his words. She was used to the flutter. The flutter had been happening a long time. It didn’t mean anything. It certainly didn't mean that she was having a non-professional-biological-attraction reaction to him. "This isn't a change, so don't get used to it." But at the same time she leaned over and started rolling his trousers so they were loosely cuffed several inches above his ankles. After all, she didn't want his pants to get dirty.

When she was done, she hopped up from the bench and he followed. Holding his arms out at his sides, he asked, "Am I acceptable for casual-dining?"

Donna surveyed him and felt her insides go a little squishy. He was looking downright adorable, but he didn't need to know that. Professional distance. "You look a little doofusy." 

It wasn't a total lie. His shirt was still buttoned to the top and tucked into pants that were rolled up. There was definitely an element of the doofus happening with the look… an adorable doofus for sure, but a doofus nonetheless. 

"Doofusy?"

"I'm afraid so." Donna kept her voice serious.

Immediately, he bent down to start unrolling the cuffs of his pants.

"What are you doing!?" 

Josh looked up at her. "I'm undoofusizing myself."

"Well stop it!"

"I shouldn't undoofusize myself?" 

"If you want to not look like a doofus… first off, you have to stop using words like undoofusizing, second…" She stepped towards him and pulled him upright; her fingers found their way back to his collar. "All we need to do is loosen you up a bit more." She unbuttoned the top two buttons of his white shirt. When she was done, her hands wandered down to his waist. Josh thought he was going to… fall over or do something rash. She was standing so close… and her hands were… and she looked so… the circumstances were most overpowering and he almost forgot himself. Almost. In the meantime, Donna grabbed fistfuls of his shirt fabric and began tugging. Once the hem of his shirt was fully free, she pulled it down and smoothed it over his pants.

She took one step back to survey her handiwork. "There we go. Now you’re acceptable for casual dining."

"And I'm no longer doofusy?" He asked with real concern, but also with a twinkle in his eye. 

"Well, you can't always take the doofusy out of the doofus-"

"Hey!" Mock indignation rang through his tone. 

She laughed in spite of herself. "Okay, you're no longer doofusy." She waited a beat before qualifying, "At least your clothes aren't."

Shooting her a look that was a cross between a grimace and an all-out grin, he motioned towards the heart of the restaurant. "They're waiting to seat us." 

"Well then, let's be sat."

"After you." Josh motioned with his arm and Donna turned dutifully and began to walk.

Both Helen and Matt stood rooted to the spot as Josh and Donna passed by to follow the hostess to a table. A little flummoxed by the exchange he'd just witnessed, Matt turned to his wife. "Am I missing something?" 

"I think we're missing a whole lot… this dinner should be interesting," Helen replied as she started making her way to their table. 

The restaurant was actually fashionable in price and accoutrements, but what made it casual was the deep white sand that covered the entire outside dining area, recreating the feeling of being at one of the area’s many beaches. As they walked to their table, Donna reveled in the way the soft cool sand tickled her skin as her feet sank further in with each step.

In contrast to the sand, the tables were draped with yellow cloth linens, and colorful lanterns were strung above a three-foot, white stucco wall. The wall acted as the boundary for the restaurant and kept the sand fenced in and away from the pool and grounds one story down. Even though it was almost completely dark, views of the ocean and harbor could be seen at180 degrees. Or at least the lights of the harbor could be seen. It was actually quite magnificent. 

***

"Doesn't the sand feel good?" Donna asked as she ran her feet deeper into the cool white powder. Back and forth, further and further she stretched until she ran into something solid. She moved her feet up and down the object trying to determine what it was.

"That's my foot," Josh grunted as if answering the question her feet were asking.

"It is?" She shifted one of her feet underneath his and one on top. "Yeah… that feels like a foot."

Josh was wholly unable to respond, what with the way she was playing footsy with him. 

Just then the waiter appeared with their meals and Donna sat up straight, which meant she retracted her feet from where they were cavorting with Josh's. He sighed at the loss of contact.

The restaurant specialized in seafood and upscale south-of-the-border fare. Once they'd been served and their drinks refreshed, Donna immediately cut a piece of her swordfish and set it on the side of Josh's plate. 

Helen noticed this action, but didn’t say anything. 

Josh looked up and smiled at Donna when he saw the swordfish appear. "I suppose this means you want some of my enchiladas?"

"Those are not enchiladas," the Congressman stated decisively. "Enchiladas do not have goat cheese or zucchini in them." He rolled his eyes. "California!" 

Helen had ordered the same thing as Josh and didn't miss a beat in defending her choice. "Yeah, we're only a few miles from the border. They wouldn't know anything here."

"I'm sure you can get both Tex-Mex and authentic Mexican in San Diego, but this is neither."

While Helen and Matt were bickering about the inauthenticity of the modern Mexican cuisine, Josh had loaded a bite of his enchiladas onto his fork for Donna. He was wholly mesmerized as he watched Donna's lips close slowly over his fork, and pretty sure he'd never been so turned on in his life. This was bad. Well, not bad, really. It was good. Or bad in a good way. A very good way.

As Josh pulled the fork from Donna's closed lips, she moaned. Loudly.

At the… erotic… noise, Matt and Helen whipped around to stare at Donna. At their surprised expressions, she blushed, took a sip of her margarita, and explained, "Sorry, it's just… really good."

Helen looked at Matt. "You hear that, honey. It's good. Now would you like a taste of my enchiladas?" 

Matt nodded quickly. "Uh… yes, please."

***

"…so I open the package and what am I holding in my hand… but a pair of Donna's…" he paused for dramatic effect as Donna turned beet-red.

"What?" Helen asked curiously.

"Panties."

"Panties?" Matt repeated, slightly startled by Josh's answer. 

"Don't say panties." Donna shook her head while hiding her eyes behind one hand.

"Why?" Josh wore a gargantuan grin.

"I don't know why… I just don't like the word. Say underwear."

"Fine." He looked back to Matt. "Her underwear fell out of the package."

"How did you know they were hers?" Matt asked with a suggestive twinkle in his eyes, after exchanging one of what had become many-- over the course of the evening-- curious glances with his wife.

"Oh, that's the best part."

"Josh, is this necessary?" Donna asked, still covering her eyes with her hand. "They're not interested."

"Would you prefer that they continue to think what their dirty minds are obviously thinking? That I was familiar enough with your under… things… that I recognized them on sight?" Josh asked her as he gestured to the smirking Santoses.

Donna merely shook her head in defeat.

"She'd sewn her name into them."

"You lose your underwear so often that they have your name in them?" Santos' voice was incredulous, but also full of humor as he raised his beer to his lips.

Donna finally took her hand away from her eyes and looked up at the Congressman. "It's a laundromat thing." She looked back to Josh. "Which you'd know if you'd ever done your own laundry."

"Hey… I've done my own laundry." 

"At a laundromat?" Donna asked him pointedly.

"I went to college."

"Dorms. Even worse. And did you lose your underwear?"

"I don't know. I wore whatever was in the drawer. Besides, I was leaving underwear all over campus, anyway."

"Why? Couldn't keep your pants on. I can see it. The women of Harvard being terrorized by your errant boxer shorts."

"No woman of Harvard was terrorized by my boxer shorts… they loved my boxer shorts. I can't help it if I got a lot of action in college."

"Whatever." Donna snorted. "You got no action in college." She looked at Matt and Helen conspiratorially. "There was no action. I've heard stories."

"Oh, I got action. Who did you hear stories from? I want names."

"Judge Hayden," Donna revealed triumphantly, before shaking her head sadly and again addressing the Santoses. "Apparently, it was pretty pathetic-"

"That was law school! I went to Yale with Eric," Josh interrupted defensively.

"Oh, so you admit you got no action in law school?"

"I… uh… the thing is-"

"So if you are admitting you got no action in law school… why would we believe you did any better in undergrad?" Donna shrugged.

Josh searched for an answer. "I did get action in law school. And the answer would be, because of my boyish charm."

"I'm afraid that fish just won't swim." Donna shook her head quickly. "Not buying it."

"That fish won't swim? What kind of saying is that?"

"It's a saying. A saying that people use near the ocean. An ocean saying if you will." 

"So…" Helen interrupted with a laugh, trying to steer the conversation back on-course. "How did she come into possession of the underwear?"

"Oh, no…" Donna once again lowered her face in order to hide behind her hand.

Eagerly, Josh continued the story. "Apparently, she…" Josh gestured to Donna. "Wore the same pants two days in a row and forgot to remove the prior day’s… underwear… and they fell out the leg."

"So they were just lying there…"

"On the floor of the South Street exhibit. In front of Karen Cahill. Yes," Donna conceded with a sigh.

"I admit… before this theory was put forth… my imagination had run a little wild wondering what activity Donna was engaged in with Karen Cahill that necessitated that removal of her under-"

"Shut up," Donna ordered, trying to sound stern, but she couldn't stifle a giggle. So she covered by taking another sip of her margarita before turning to Helen. "So that's why I turned down Karen Cahill's request for an interview with you."

"Because she returned your underwear?" Matt questioned.

"Nope. Because she tried to humiliate me by sending them back to my boss. There was no reason to do that. That was a malicious move, designed to mortify me professionally. That kind of person, someone who would find joy in that, is that whose hands you want Helen's first real in-depth profile in?"

"No…" Matt shook his head quickly in agreement. "No, I would not."

"That's why I turned down Karen Cahill."

"You were humiliated?" Josh looked at her carefully.

"Josh… you were standing in the bullpen… in the White House… twirling my pant… my underwear on your finger!" 

"Oh…" Josh actually looked remorseful. "I guess I shouldn't have done that?"

"You guess?"

"I shouldn't have done that." There was an element of the high pitch squeak in his voice.

"It's okay… now. I do have a sense of humor. But I still don't want Karen Cahill anywhere near you." Donna motioned at Helen. "Besides…" Now she smiled mischievously. "It's not like I was the only one who ever did anything embarrassing while in the employ of the White House." 

"Do tell…" Helen turned an evil gaze at Josh.

"Well… actually, earlier the same week of the Cahill underwear incident, the President had to be roused out of bed in the middle of the night and forced to take shelter on a balcony-- for goodness knows how long-- because Josh set fire to the West Wing."

"I'm gonna get you," Josh hissed at her.

But Donna stared him down and replied matter-of-factly, "You twirled my underwear on your finger in the bullpen."

Contritely, Josh picked up the pitcher of margaritas from the center of the table. "May I pour you another drink while you think of other stupid things I did while serving at the pleasure of the President?"

"That would be charming." She rewarded him with a half-smile, half-smirk, before turning back to Matt and Helen to continue her storytelling. Donna felt good. For the first time in a really long time, she actually felt good. The margaritas, in conjunction with the cool sea breeze and the sand, had relaxed her and she was having fun. She liked Matt and Helen Santos, and Josh… well Josh was Josh. She wasn't sure what that meant, except that she was awfully glad she'd decided to come to dinner.


	10. Chapter 9, Part B

"That was fun." As it should have been for Helen Santos. After all, the pitcher of margaritas had been significantly dented, even though both Matt and Josh had had beers.

"Yes, it was." Donna sighed as she looked longingly out towards the lights of the pier. The slight buzz of the tequila, the sea breeze and, well, the company were so pleasant that she was a little melancholy at the thought of the evening coming to an end. "But it's a shame that we're going to all these places, but we never have time to see anything."

Josh stared at her profile for a minute, before speaking without thinking. "Let's go now."

"What?" Donna turned to him curiously.

He checked his watch. It was just after eleven, actually not that late. "Let's go see something now."

"What would we see at this time of night?"

That was an excellent question. He knew that the seaport village was just a block away, and there were restaurants and bars there that were sure to still be open. However, crowds weren't exactly what he had in mind. "The pool."

"The pool?"

"Sure, you love to look at hotel pools."

"I do?" 

"Yes, you're practically a connoisseur of hotel pools." Josh grinned widely at her.

She giggled a little at the thought of someone holding themselves out as a connoisseur of hotel pools. "There is no such thing as that."

"If there was… you'd be one."

"I guess I do like a good pool," she agreed, still giggling, but she looked to Helen. "Of course, when the sun is actually out, I have to be careful because of my alabaster skin."

"I know what you mean; I freckle." Helen nodded her head in agreement.

"Me, too!"

"That's why it's better to go at night," Josh reasoned, staring directly at Donna. "So we should go see if the pool is up to your standards and then maybe check out the, uh… sand volleyball courts." It was the only thing that sprung to mind. He'd seen them on the grounds when he'd looked over the balcony on the way to their seats.

"Sand volleyball courts? Why would you want to look at…?” She paused for a second before accusing rather loudly, "You're tipsy!" 

"I am not tipsy. And if I were, I wouldn’t be ‘tipsy’. I'd be drunk. Tipsy is for the female of the species." 

"It's not just for the females; it's also for the lightweights. And that's you. You're drunk."

"I've only had two beers." 

She turned to Helen and confided, "He has a very sensitive system, that's all it takes."

"Donna…" It was a combination groan/whine.

"I'm kidding." Reaching over, she patted his hand reassuringly, before turning back to Helen. "I'm really not. It's not just alcohol. He also can't stand needles or-"

Donna stopped abruptly as the sheer force of a memory that she'd pushed to the back of her mind wrapped itself around her. A hospital room in Germany. Josh. Needles. Hospital bed. Gaza.

After a few seconds, Helen prodded, "He can't stand needles or?"

Josh noticed that Donna had seemed to lose her train of thought. He took up the explanation, his eyes only leaving her for a second to glance at Helen. "Cats."

"You're sensitive to cats?" Helen, not finding Donna's silence remarkable, laughed out loud.

He shook his head, as he put his hand on Donna's arm in order to summon her attention. "Cat hair. I'm sensitive to cat hair."

It did the trick. Donna turned towards him and focused on his face. He smiled at her, as his eyes searched hers for clues to make sure she was okay. "Right, Donna?"

Donna swallowed and nodded, snapping out of the unsettling memory. "He's right; he can't handle cats or their hair."

"And you don't want to see me around those walking hairballs after I've had one of these." He waved his Corona bottle in the air, but his eyes were glued to her as he spoke. 

Donna took a deep breath, smiled and shook it all the way off. "He yells at them, the cats, due to his sensitive system."

"The yelling, I won't deny. But there is no such thing as me having a sensitive system." Josh heaved an invisible sigh of relief. She seemed fine now. 

Donna and turned back to Helen and Matt. "So are you two up for sightseeing around the pool?"

Josh wore a pained expression at the suggestion; it didn't escape the notice of either Matt or Helen.

Matt stammered, "Uh… no… I think we're-"

"Going to sit here for a few more minutes and then call it a night." Helen finished his sentence and punctuated it with a yawn that was a bit too theatrical, but Donna didn't seem to notice. 

"All right then." Josh's grin was back as he stood and put a hand on Donna's chair in order to pull it out for her. "We'll miss you."

"I bet you will." The sarcasm in the man-who-would-be-President's voice was obvious.

"Goodnight." Donna stood and Josh did indeed pull the chair back for her, with chivalry infrequently seen from him. "See you all bright and early on the bus to the airport."

"Goodnight…" Helen waved and watched them retreat.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Matt turned to her and chuckled. "I guess that explains the humming."

"The humming?"

"A couple of days ago… the day after Donna joined the campaign, probably not so incidentally, I caught Josh humming… twice."

"Yeah, that would now seem to have an explanation." Helen agreed with a laugh. "Remember… we wondered if Josh had a love life."

Matt snorted. "I remember you wondered, and I tried not to think about it. But you know, it's funny… thinking back I vaguely remember a conversation when I first got to the Hill in which I learned that it was best to never hit on the White House Deputy Chief of Staff's assistant if you wanted to be on his good side-"

"You had to _learn_ not to hit on someone?" Helen's voice rose slightly as she interrupted him.

Matt dead-panned, "Don't worry, I was a quick study."

"Matt!" She whapped him on the shoulder.

He slipped his arm onto the back of her chair and gently began massaging her neck with one hand. "Some of my colleagues aren't as devoted to their wives as I am."

She accepted that and rewarded him with a smile, a smile that turned into a smirk several moments later. "He's really lucky; she's way too good for him." 

***

Since the restaurant was still hopping and looked to be in no danger of closing, Josh and Donna left their shoes and his jacket and tie where they'd placed them earlier, and just headed down the stairs. 

After checking out the pool, which included Donna dipping her feet into the inviting water, and even splashing Josh a bit, they wandered a little further past the cabanas, into a little park-like area that lined the waterfront. On their walk around the pool, they kept the conversation to small talk. How nice the pool was, and how nice it would have been to get into the pool. But Josh had been a little quiet, because the needle thing was nagging him. He wanted to talk to her about it, but didn't know how to bring it up. 

Several minutes later found them sitting on a bench in the park that looked out towards the ocean. The imposing tower of the hotel sat directly behind them. 

He nudged her arm gently with his elbow.

"What?" Curiously, she turned to study him.

"Earlier…" The one word came out a little hoarse.

"Huh?"

Josh cleared his throat and met her eye. "Earlier, when we were talking about my sensitive system, you seemed a little… distracted."

"Oh." Donna's stomach clenched involuntarily. She'd hoped he hadn't noticed. But of course he'd noticed. 

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yeah…" She pasted on a comforting smile. "I'm fine."

"But…" 

She resisted the urge to run away at the broach of the topic and instead rested her hand on his forearm. It took a concerted effort to make the gesture. Not that she was afraid to touch him, but it seemed like a bit too much physical proximity while discussing this particular topic. But at this moment she was endeavoring to reassure him, and not thinking of what made her uncomfortable. If she had been focusing on that, she might have realized that touching him didn't make her uncomfortable at all. 

Inhaling sharply, she began to speak. "When I was talking about the needle, I thought of… when I was in the hospital and you were… and… it was just, I don't…

He nodded sympathetically, but didn't say anything.

"I'm not making much sense, am I?" She asked with a mirthless laugh, after several silent seconds.

"You're making perfect sense to me." It was the truth.

She met his gaze. "I don't like to think about… that. I was just distracted by the memory… that's all."

He swallowed hard. "I don't like to think of it, either. Except that you're okay. That's how you have to think of it too. You're okay."

Donna smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. Was she okay? She knew she wasn't. At least not completely. The dreams made sure of that. But she was going to get help for the nightmares when they got home, and in the meantime, she didn't want to spoil what had turned into a really great night.

So she changed the subject. 

"This hotel is the left coast’s tallest waterfront building. We would have had spectacular views from the top floor restaurant." She motioned to the tower of their hotel behind them. 

"The view from right here isn't bad," Josh replied, but he wasn't looking out at the lights of the harbor. His eyes were still glued to Donna. He decided to let the conversation go. She truly seemed okay now and her distraction had only lasted a couple of seconds. There was no reason to believe it was more than she'd said. A jarring memory. He hated that it still bothered her, but it wasn't abnormal that she didn't like to think of what had happened. 

She glanced over at him and then blushed when she realized his eyes were fixated on her. She didn't know what to do with that. The way he was looking at her. So she misdirected. "But being that right now we're at sea level… I'm sure it can't compete with the view from the restaurant. Remember, tallest waterfront building."

"Did you not like the casual?" He nudged his bare foot against hers. 

She felt her stomach do a small flip-flop at the feel of his surprisingly soft skin rubbing against hers and she smiled genuinely. "I liked the casual. A lot. And I see that you've gotten used to the bare feet thing."

"Yup. In fact, I may never wear shoes again."

"So, if someone has stolen your shoes from the restaurant, I don't have to replace them?"

"Uh huh, first gomer to see 'em can have them. In fact, you can call your friends Bram and Jerome at the restaurant with the good view and tell them they can come down and fight over 'em."

Donna studied him peculiarly for several beats. "What's your problem with them?" 

"What do you mean? I don't have a problem." 

"I've seen you giving both of them… looks. You have a problem."

"There are no looks. I don't give them looks."

"You really do. And they are both very good at what they do and work hard, so I don't understand the looks."

"That's because I'm not giving them any."

Donna caught something out of the corner of her eye and twisted her body towards Josh so she could have a clearer view of the area behind them. "Hey, speak of the devil. Or should I say devils?" 

"What!?" Josh twisted in the same direction and instantly his face fell. "Oh… what are they doing out here?" 

"Looks like they're checking out the sand volleyball courts."

"They play sand volleyball?" His voice was significantly higher than normal. Hmph… he should have known. This was no good. He didn't need to compete with any sand volleyball-playing gigolos. He knew, without a doubt, that women dug that type of thing. Or at least Donna did. He remembered her watching the summer Olympics in his office once and making appreciative… noises. Oh, yeah… they were both so fired tomorrow. 

Okay, maybe they weren't fired… but transfers to the Hoboken office weren't out of the question. Off the top of his head, he didn't even know if they had an office in Hoboken, but if not, he'd open one. After all, he was the campaign manager. He could open a campaign office in Reykjavik, Iceland in order to dispose of them, if necessary.

"Looks like it. I bet they're good, too. You know Bram is from Santa Barbara, that's where Karch Kiraly is from. He's my favorite, you know he's your age and he still-" It took a second, but finally she noticed Josh glaring at her. "What?"

"Is that necessary?"

"Is what necessary?"

"Ogling them as they play sand volleyball."

"I'm not ogling, and they're just standing there, not playing. Besides, I like them."

"And they like you, too much." Uh-oh. Was that too much information? Josh had felt his gut tightening with the familiar bands of jealousy and before he knew it, the sentiment was out of his mouth and now hanging in the air.

"Of course they like me, Josh. I'm very likable." She spoke slowly.

"You're not that likable." 

"WHAT!?"

"Oh…" Oops. What had he said? That's not what he’d meant. "That's not what I meant." 

"I'm not that likable?" Donna huffed and crossed her arms across her chest. 

"What I meant is that-"

"I'll have you know that many, many people like me, Josh." 

"Of course they do. I mean, I like you… very much, in fact. But, you see, their like seems to extend beyond the acceptable parameters that society sets for…you know… like."

"What in the name of God are you talking about?" She asked him crossly.

"Society's like-parameters."

"Society _has_ ‘like’ parameters?" 

"Yes… and they, those two, cross the perimeter of those parameters when it comes to you."

"The perimeter of the parameter? You are drunk, aren’t you? I was kidding earlier about the sensitive systems, but you're wasted."

"I'm really not. Let me break it down. You see, by crossing the perimeter of the parameter, they like you too much for society's… well, like. They're messing with societal convention is what they're doing." There, the perfect explanation. Succinct, logical and too convoluted to really even invite questions; she would just accept it and move on.

"By liking me?" Confused was too benign a word to describe how Donna felt. Mystified might be a better description.

"Yes." Josh turned back to the sand volleyball courts. For a moment he celebrated because he didn't see them. Maybe they’d gone back inside, preferably to the bar to troll for women. Any woman that wasn't Donna would be just fine with him. But then he spotted them; they were over to the side a little in the shadow of a tree. If he squinted he could see what-

"Oh my God."

"What?" Donna asked, turning back around and peering into the darkness towards the courts.

"Oh my God."

It took a second for her to find what he was looking at, and then another moment for her eyes to focus and register what she was seeing. "It couldn't be…"

"Oh my God."

"They're…"

"Oh my God."

Donna whipped around to look at Josh. His face was a mask of shock and all he seemed able to say was…

"Oh my God."

"Josh, this shouldn't impact their jobs with the campaign..." Donna started to defend. 

"Oh. My. God."

"Seriously, Josh, they don't deserve to be punished. It's none of our business. And it's not like we have a problem with it. We're Democrats, for cripes sake!"

"Oh… my…"

Donna interrupted him this time before he could get to the God part and forced him to look at her. "Let's pretend we didn't see that. Besides, lots of other… things happen on the campaign. Just because it's… them… and they're both… shouldn't mean-"

"I like those guys." Josh suddenly bobbed his head up and down several times… and grinned.

She stared at him dumbfounded for half a minute. "Now you like them?"

"Of course. They're great guys, hardworking, great at what they do. What's not to like?"

"A minute ago they had perimetered the parameter… or something… and you didn't like them… and all of a sudden you see them kissing… each other… and now you like them?"

"They're very good at what they do," he repeated again.

"So they're not going to be punished… or moved… or told they can't pursue a personal relationship while working together?"

"Of course not. I think low-profile would be best, as it would for any… romance on the campaign trail, but as far as I'm concerned, it's none of our business."

"Huh," Donna huffed thoughtfully. Now that she was no longer worried about defending them, she started questioning what she'd just seen. "Maybe I should have known… I mean, looking back, if asked, it probably would have occurred to me that Jerome played for the other team, but I guess I just never asked. We were too busy for personal lives, anyway… or even talking about them. But I didn't think… I didn't suspect Bram."

"Of course you didn't suspect Bram. He hit on you all the time," Josh stated it as fact.

That elicited a full-fledged snort from Donna. "He never hit on me, Josh."

"What do you mean, he never hit on you? He hit on you all the time.” Josh grabbed her hand and held it in the air as he mimicked. 'Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner.' All those things he said about you being as good as CJ, only prettier. The mmm… noises he made while talking about the arugula-"

"So you're saying that he said those things only in order to hit on me, which implies you don't think they’re true. You don't think I'm as good as CJ, only prettier?" Donna interrupted.

Josh had stopped in his tracks. He immediately began to backpedal. "Of course you're as good as CJ… and waaaay prettier."

"Waaaay prettier? How much prettier is that?"

"Enormously prettier. There is no known way to measure how much prettier you are then CJ."

"That's not a very nice thing to say about your friend CJ. What would she think if she heard you say such a thing?"

Josh stared at her dumbfounded for a second. "You're just messing with me, aren't you?"

She held up her hand with just an inch separating her thumb and forefinger. "Little bit."

"That's not nice."

She snorted again. "By the way, how is 'Mmm… I love arugula' him hitting on me and not the definitive evidence necessary for a golden retriever to determine he's gay?" 

Josh paused for a second before agreeing. "In retrospect, that probably should have been your first clue. But it doesn't change the facts; he was hitting on you."

That made Donna chortle with laughter, as she gestured to the couple in the shadow of the tree. "Josh, demonstrably… he wasn't hitting on me. Unless he was auditioning me for his hag? Do you think he was hitting on me, looking for a campaign hag?" 

Josh slowly shook his head. "I don’t even remotely know how to address that question."

Donna giggled and then studied Josh inquisitively. An idea formed. "Was him hitting on me, at least in your mind, the way he crossed the perimeter of the parameter?"

Josh darted his eyes one way and then the next, but there didn't appear to be an easy way out of this one. "Well, clearly, it's outside the parameters of socially acceptable behavior for a gay man to hit on his female co-worker. So yes, his flirting is partially what I was referring to as outside the like-parameter. But that's all water under the bridge. Now all we can do is forgive his perimeter encroachment and wish those two crazy kids all the happiness in the world. Of course we won't, until they tell us, because it's their secret and none of our business. But we'll send them silent messages of good will." He stood and held out a hand to her. Once he'd pulled her upright, he nodded towards the ocean with his head. "Now let's get a better look at the water."

Donna was so amused that she just couldn't let it go. She stole a glance at him as they began walking. "So, basically you were outrageously jealous, but now that you know they're gay, you're their biggest fan?"

"Outrageously? Hardly. That's ridiculous. Were you jealous when you thought I was looking at the flight attendant's melons yesterday?"

"No!" 

"Well, then, I'm sticking to my perimeter of the socially acceptable parameters storyline."

"That is one weak storyline." Donna tried to stifle a laugh. 

"Too bad… 'cause I’m going down with the boat on this one."

***

"You know… there's a lot of romance happening on this campaign." 

Josh's spine went stiff. What did she mean, there was a lot of romance on this campaign? Could she read his mind? Did she know what he'd been thinking the last week? "What do you mean, there's a lot of romance?"

"Well... there's…" She motioned back towards the hotel to where the shadowy figures had been making out by the tree several minutes earlier. "And they..." She once again motioned behind them. "…think there's some vibe coming from Ronna and Will."

"Ronna and Will!?" 

She shushed him quickly. "Do you want them to know we're here?"

"Donna, we're a football field away… at least."

She seemed to accept that as they continued walking towards the embankment that separated the park from the pier. 

When they reached it, he studied the moon, which was bright and reflected in the ocean in front of them. "So…"

"What?" She asked while still staring out at the ocean. 

He turned towards her. "Why do you think there's so much romance on the campaign?"

It took her a moment to answer. She was acutely aware that she was on a barefoot midnight stroll with Josh after a fabulous dinner. Even the placement of the moon in the sky screamed romance. If this was what other staffers were also experiencing, it seemed pretty freaking obvious why there was so much budding romance on the campaign. But she couldn't really say that, could she? "You know… intense conditions. No room for an outside personal life. Horrendous hours spent together."

"Yeah. Sounds awful." Josh's voice held humor. 

Thankfully, the darkness hid her blush. "It's not awful."

"Yeah?" There was something in her tone that gave him… hope. He quickly turned towards her. Very little space separated them now. Air caught in his throat as he gazed at her. The way the moonlight illuminated her pale skin was mesmerizing. Her skin seemed to glow and was set off even more by the deep red of her tank top. He was pretty sure he could stare at her in the moonlight forever.

Tearing her eyes from the ocean, she turned to him and found herself a bit surprised at their proximity. Just inches separated them. Her simple reply was breathless, probably due to her suddenly accelerated heartbeat. "Yeah."

Right now. This was it. He was going to make a move. Or set her up to make a move. One of the two. "So… anybody you're-" 

"What's that?" Donna interrupted him with a squeak.

"What?" 

"Are the bottoms of your feet wet?"

"I don’t think-"

"Are you stepping on me?" 

"No." Perplexed, he took a step back to prove it.

"Then what… there's something…." She bent down so she could see the grass beneath their feet in more detail… and screamed.

"What?!" Josh yelped with concern

"A FROG!" This time it was more of a screech than a scream. She bolted upright. Her reaction was so quick that she almost bonked her head against Josh's as he bent down to survey the problem. 

"There's a frog on my foot!!" She screeched again as she started jumping up and down with panic.

"Kick it off!" Josh screeched back.

But all she could do was scream. Again. Still hopping. Still panicked.

What should he do? He should do something. Slay the frog or some other such gallant act. Or maybe just remove the frog. But he couldn't do that. He wasn't built that way. So since he couldn't get the frog off the ground, he decided to do one better. He'd get the ground off of her instead. Quickly, he slid his arms around her waist and easily lifted her a few inches into the air. Automatically, her arms went around his neck and she wrapped her legs around his to get them further from the ground.

"Is it off!?" Josh asked, afraid to move lest he step on the frog himself.

"I think so." It took a minute for her panic to subside as she clung tightly to him. A minute later he could feel her wiping the top of her foot on the back of his pant leg.

"What are you doing? Are you wiping your foot on me?" 

"I have frog cooties."

"So you want to give me frog cooties?"

"Not you… your pants."

"Oh… well, I guess that's okay." He shifted slightly, boosting her more securely in his arms.

When she was done with the cleansing of frog cooties, she leaned back slightly in order to see his face. She could see glints of humor in his eyes dancing back at her. He didn't seem to be taking the situation as seriously as she was. And that's when she became acutely aware of the fact that she was in his arms. They felt strong around her, secure. "You picked me up."

"I did."

"That was nice of you."

"You were freaking out."

"I was not freaking out. There was a frog on my foot."

"I thought you grew up around nature and farms and lakes. Why are you freaked out by a frog?"

"Slime. I hate frog slime. Once, my cousin put a frog in my bed. Scared the hell out of me. It slimed me."

"So you weren't really wiping frog cooties on me, you were wiping frog slime on me."

"If you want to get technical." She looked at him quizzically. "Why aren't you freaked out by the frog?" 

"Because one of us has to be the man."

"And you want that to be you?"

"I was thinking about tackling the role. Yes."

"Oh. Well… good job."

"Do you think I could set you back down?"

"What if it's still there?"

While he was still holding her, he shifted his weight and stuck one foot out in front of him, searching for frogs. "It's safe."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, but to integrate you back into the land where people, you know, travel on the same ground as frogs, you can stand on…" he looked around for a bench or boulder but saw nothing close "…me." Slowly, he set her back down and she came to rest so that her feet were covering his, with only her heels touching the ground. Sort of like she was a little girl dancing on her dad's feet. Only she wasn't a little girl, and he was definitely not her dad. And, unfortunately, there was no dancing.

His arms were still around her waist, supporting the balance of her weight, and her arms were still twined around his neck. Both of their hearts were racing, but neither knew if it was from the frog panic or due to being in the other's arms.

And in the end it was Donna who started it-- sort of-- by a simple, quick, almost-platonic, almost-peck on the cheek. Without thinking, she pressed her lips softly, but quickly, to a space several inches from the corner of his mouth. However, it was a tad lingering to be all the way platonic or considered a peck. "Thanks for… de-sliming me."

"You're welcome." His voice was rough. He'd never been so affected by a peck on the cheek before. Of course, she was also pressed up against him, her feet still covering his, her arms still wound around his neck. And it was Donna. Who affected him no matter what her lips were doing. However, he was happy to admit, her lips heightened things. And he liked it. An awful lot. 

They stood staring at each other, neither making a move to let go. Josh's eyes traveled from her eyes down to her mouth. She flicked her tongue along her lower lip and there was no stopping him. Without further hesitation, he moved forward slightly and his lips found hers in their very first kiss.

Donna melted into him the second their lips met, and for once, she didn't think, she just felt. Warm, soft lips moving against her own. The rise and fall of one chest against another, hearts beating in sync. His biceps pressed firmly, but not too firmly, against her sides. The soft ocean breeze that caused her hair to move and dance around them. The way his hair felt against her fingers as she clutched him closer to her. 

It felt good. Because this was Josh. Josh was kissing her. She was kissing Josh. She was happy. Really happy. She loved-

And that's when she realized what she was doing. KISSING JOSH! She couldn't do this. This wasn't professional. This wasn't distance. This was the stuff dreams were made of. And nightmares. What would Josh say about this? Or CJ? That she didn't deserve this? That she didn't deserve to feel happy? To be happy?

They were right.

"No…" With a jerk, she tried to pull away from him, but was trapped by his arms.

"Huh?!" Josh grunted unintelligibly. 

"I can't…" She twisted her body, trying to get lose from the prison his body created. 

It took Josh a second to exit his dreamy, kissing-Donna haze. "What's wrong?"

"Let go… I need…" She turned even more fiercely in his arms. 

It took a couple of seconds, but he finally realized that she wasn't okay with what had just happened and he instantly released her. He began stammering an apology. "I… uh… shouldn't have… I'm sorry… Donna…" 

"I can't… I'm sorry…" was all she managed to say, before she turned and ran back towards the hotel without ever meeting his eye. 

Stunned, Josh stood rooted to the spot. One moment he and Donna had been sharing the best kiss of his life and the next she was sprinting away from him. 

After a minute he was finally able to get his bearings. And that's when he began to berate himself. He should have known it was too soon. He knew all wasn't right with her. But tonight… tonight she'd been Donna. His Donna. Sure there'd been a weird minute, but still, she'd seemed okay. But it was no excuse. Fear gripped him as two questions started turning over in his mind.

Was she okay?

And had he ruined everything?


	11. Chapter 10, Part A

Maybe five minutes had passed by the time Josh gathered his wits and made it back to the restaurant to retrieve his shoes and jacket, but it felt like an eternity. His mind was in such a whirl that he could barely concentrate on what was happening around him. However, he didn't fail to immediately notice that Donna's shoes were still shoved into the cubby with his own, which only fueled his anxiety. She either hadn't made it back to the hotel, or she hadn't been thinking clearly enough to remember her shoes. Either scenario was equally unsettling. Not that he would have been all that calmed had he found her shoes missing.

When a barely-veiled threat failed to yield the desired result from the night clerk at the front desk, Josh woke the junior staffer who had dealt with the luggage that morning, the junior staffer who knew Donna's room number. Getting the number from him had not required a threat, just patience, as the young man had slowly gone from groggy to frazzled upon the realization that he was being called for information by the campaign manager in the middle of the night.

Minutes later, Josh found himself in an elevator zooming towards the 14th floor, a pair of wedge sandals dangling from his left hand. What he was going to say or do once he got there, he had no idea. Once the elevator stopped, Josh strode out and down the hall quickly, with a purpose, but his gait was soon stunted because as he neared his destination, room 1422, he found that a man was already standing at her door.

Of course, the man was dressed in a white jacket and carrying a room service tray, so Josh wasn't so much disturbed by his presence as he just didn't want to face Donna with the audience of a room service waiter.

It gave him a moment to think, collect himself, as he loitered-- hopefully discreetly-- down the hall. At least she was there; that was good news. His heart was still thumping in his chest, as it had been since the frog caused her to scream and he'd had to scoop her off the ground. That was a long time for a heart to be thumping. But he couldn't worry about that right now. He had bigger problems. Like what was he going to say? Beg for forgiveness? Demand she tell him what was wrong? Pretend like nothing had happened and simply return her shoes? He still had no idea.

The wait felt interminable to Josh, but in reality the waiter was in Donna's room for less than a minute. Once the waiter had exited, he made his way quickly down the hall, but slowed when he saw Josh lurking, seemingly without a purpose. The man looked him up and down suspiciously, and Josh was suddenly acutely conscious of the fact that he was standing in the hallway with a pair of women's shoes… appearing not unlike a stalker. He attempted what he hoped was an unstalkerish smile and held up the shoes. "I… uh… my friend left her shoes in the restaurant," Josh continued explaining as he started towards Donna's door. "I was just going to return them."

The man gave a polite nod and continued on down the hall. But still, Josh knew that once he was outside her door, he had to knock, because the waiter was probably going to send security up to check him out and he didn't relish the though of explaining the situation. "You see, I kissed the woman in 1422 after eight years of not kissing her… and then she got freaked and ran like hell in the middle of the kissing and I thought she might need her shoes back. In case she wants to, you know, stomp on my heart some more. So I'm returning the shoes." 

So he took only a second to collect himself before raising a fist and rapping his knuckles against the door once, still having no clear picture as to what he was going to say if and when she opened it. 

At least he didn't have to wait long. Almost immediately, the door swung open. "Did I forget to sign-" Donna's voice petered out as soon as she realized who was at the door. 

Josh stared at her, his heart now wedged firmly in his throat, hampering his ability to talk, let alone breathe. Neither one moved or said a word for several long moments. Finally, for lack of anything better to say, he held out her shoes. "You left these."

She was cognizant of her arm reaching out to take the shoes from him, but everything else felt like an out-of-body experience. She'd just managed to get her bearings after their moonlit encounter, and now he was showing up in her room. She took a deep breath and then forced a smile that was as fake as the cheerful voice that accompanied it. "Thanks." She took another deep breath and somehow managed to force enough air through her diaphragm in order to chirp, "Well, goodnight." And Josh just watched as, without ceremony, she shut the door right in his face.

Shocked, he stood rooted to his spot in the hall. She'd actually pretended that nothing was wrong – like she hadn't just run out on their amazing first kiss in the park. Of all things, that wasn't what he’d expected. Unless… she didn't think the kiss was amazing? Had it not affected her? Was that it? Was it not as amazing for her, as it was for him? He knew he'd been accused of having a big ego in the past, but he was pretty sure he knew when a kiss was amazing. And that kiss had been amazing. Hadn't it?

Donna was leaning back against the door she'd just shut, eyes closed, pulse racing, repeating the mantra, "please go away," over and over in her mind. As if she thought it enough times he would follow her silent wish. She couldn't deal with this tonight. With him. With what had just happened. With what hadn't happened. 

Why hadn't she looked through the peephole before answering the door? When room service had knocked the first time, she had checked to make sure it wasn't him before opening the door, twice! But at the second knock, she had just assumed that the room service guy had forgotten something. 

After enough time had passed for Donna to begin to think that maybe he’d gone away, left her alone, she heard a knock and his unmistakable voice call her name softly through the door. She didn't respond, but she also didn't move away from the door. A few seconds later she heard him knock again and this time his voice was a little louder. "Donna, we need to talk."

She knew she had to answer. Clearing her throat, she tried to sound as normal as possible. "Can we talk later? I'm a little-"

He didn't even let her finish. "No, we need to talk tonight." Josh wasn't sure what had come over him. When he'd first set out to find her, his primary concern had been about her whereabouts. And now that he knew she'd come back to her room and was physically safe, ostensibly that should have been enough and he should have been willing to call it a night, respecting that she obviously didn't want to see him. But somehow he couldn't. He'd already wasted too much time, ignored too much, put too many things off. And he wasn't going to do it anymore. He prodded her one more time with her name.

"I can't." Donna's voice faltered slightly through the door and Josh was almost undone. Almost. "I just can't talk tonight, Josh. Please respect that."

She was good, she knew what to say to best guilt him into leaving her alone, but he was resolved. "I'm not leaving. If I have to stand out here and make a scene, I will. But remember, officially you're with the Communications Department of Santos/McGarry, so you tell me, how will it look for our public image if the campaign manager gets arrested while on a loop through California? Because I'm not leaving this hall any other way. And I think security is on the way up."

She sagged against the door as acceptance settled over her. She knew that tone of voice; he was serious and he wasn't leaving. And part of her was a little happy that he cared enough to force the issue. The other part of her wanted to hit him. But all she could do was let him in, try to get this over with and get rid of him as quickly as possible. It took several seconds to gear up for it, but finally she opened the door. Once again they stood rooted to their places, brown eyes drilling into blue. After a minute, Josh won the staredown as Donna shrugged, turned back towards her room and tried to sound nonchalant. "Preying on my loyalty and professionalism?"

Josh took a step inside and wondered for the umpteenth time in the span of the last five minutes if this was a good idea. Maybe they should wait for the morning? He should say goodnight and leave. But he knew that in the morning there would be no time and no privacy, and he didn't want to let this get away from him. It was too important to let it get away. Besides, he couldn't stand the thought of allowing the significance of the kiss to fade. And if they didn't do this now, somehow he knew it would. 

So instead, he closed the door behind him and took a minute to survey her hotel room. Her suitcase was partially open on the luggage rack and Donna had changed into an oversized T-shirt, baggy cotton boxers and socks. Any and all traces of makeup were gone and her hair was pulled away from her face in a messy ponytail. All things considered… she looked fine. Cute actually, but she also mostly looked fine. Not like someone who was in the throes of an affecting situation. He hadn't known what to expect, but now that he was facing her, he guessed he expected that running away from him during their first kiss might have caused her to get emotional. But there was nothing to suggest that she'd shed a single tear in the last few minutes. However, now she was fidgeting under his scrutiny and he forced his eyes away from her. He found that her purse and briefcase had been slung on the dresser and the room service tray sat on the desk. The only thing on the tray was a pot of coffee and a single cup.

Donna followed his eyes to where they were fixed on the desk. The ferocious way her heart pounded in her chest threatened to drown out her voice, at least in her own mind, but she still managed to sound plucky when she said, "I'd offer you some, but you might take that as an invitation to stay."

That snapped Josh to attention and his questioning gaze once again found hers.

His palms felt sweaty; actually, everything felt sweaty. He couldn't remember ever being this nervous, maybe because nothing in his life had ever felt this important. "Is that why you ran?" 

"What?" She asked breathlessly, the directness of his question surprising her. Josh wasn't someone who confronted situations like this. He was an emotional ducker. And right now, to get through this, she'd been counting on him to duck this situation. 

"You just said… well, a minute ago you said I was preying on your loyalty. Earlier when we… was I… in the park, did you feel like I was preying on you? Is that why you ran?"

Rendered speechless, Donna felt her racing pulse pick up even more speed. On top of that, her heart wrenched at the worried look in his eye and his paler-than-usual skin tone; he looked absolutely sick to his stomach.

"Because I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I manipulated you into letting me in here just now, but I've got to… Donna…" He paused to run his hands harshly across his face and into his hair. She didn't fail to notice how rough his voice was. "I want you to know that I never would have done… that— what I did— if I thought it was going to upset you. I never wanted it to happen that way… in a way that would make you want to… flee."

He looked so wound up that her natural instinct was to comfort him. She even went so far as to reach out for him as he paced around the room. But something, probably the same thing that compelled her to run away from him, rooted her to the spot and she let her hand fall back to her side. Instead she whisperer, "I know," her voice so quiet that it barely registered. But it was loud enough to capture Josh's attention. 

Now his look and his voice were pointed. "I also wouldn't have done that if I thought it was going to be unwelcome."

Donna couldn't meet his eye, afraid that he might see that hot tears were now itching behind her own, so instead she stared intently at the floor, as if she would find the key to life's mysteries in the pattern of the carpet. That was the problem, it hadn't been unwelcome. At least in the beginning, but how was she ever going to explain that to him? So she did what she'd been doing with everything hard or unpleasant in her life for the last few months, using a bold, almost foreign-sounding voice she brushed it aside and avoided the issue. "We don't have to talk about this."

"We don't?" Josh's voice was a tad stronger than before.

"No. Let's just forget it happened." Walking quickly to the door, she yanked it open and held it there in an obvious invitation for him to leave. 

Josh slumped in defeat. The thought of just forgetting the kiss was like a knife slicing across his heart. But he couldn't force her to talk to him. If she wouldn't cooperate, what was he supposed to do? Josh glanced up at her and just as he was about to retreat, he noticed something. She was staring at the floor, but she looked the way he felt. Heartbroken. And suddenly he knew he couldn't just forget what had happened, and he also knew that no matter what she was saying, she couldn’t either. "I'm not leaving."

She looked up and instantly knew that he wasn't going to walk through the door. Getting rid of him wasn't going to be that easy. She shut the door harder than was necessary and, carried by a defensive posture, walked back to face him. "You're the one who just said he didn't want to do anything that was unwelcome. Well, right now your presence is unwelcome."

The venom in her voice surprised even Donna. But the nasty little demons that had been allowed to run amuck in her psyche over the last months knew they were under attack, and they were throwing up every wall they could think of in order to escape exposure to the one person who would be able to see them for what they were. 

"Why?" Josh was stung by her words and a little shocked. This was a very different Donna than had willingly jumped into his arms half an hour ago. 

"Why are you unwelcome? Because I don't want to do this."

"Okay. When can we do it?"

"There is nothing to say. It was a mistake. You regret it. I regret it. Let's forget it ever happened and move on."

"I don't regret it." Donna finally looked at him and saw the sadness in his eyes. He continued more forcefully, "I'm sorry that you regret it and I'm sorry I've upset you and I'm really sorry I'm unwelcome. But don't put words in my mouth, I don't regret it."

And that's when something angry finally broke loose inside her. No more of her even, unemotional, almost numb state. Although the truth was that she hadn't really been like that for the last week. No, the last week had been a whirlwind of activity, work, new challenges… and of overwhelming emotions where Josh was concerned. Things that she hadn't allowed herself to think about or confront for months had all come swirling to the forefront in a matter of days. She berated herself that CJ was right, even if her mind was twisting CJ's words, that she really couldn't do anything connected to Josh Lyman. Her real anger was at herself for allowing him to tie her into hard little knots once again. She had convinced herself it would be different this time, she would be professional and distant. But just being in his presence for the last week had wreaked havoc on the denial and repression that had been her crutch since she returned from Germany. She couldn't help but feel something, and now that she was feeling something, she was feeling everything, and as a result a toxic mixture of pent-up energy and emotion started spilling everywhere. 

Narrowing her eyes, she took one aggressive step towards him. "Who do you think you are?"

"Huh?" Josh's eyes went wide.

"I work for you for almost eight years and you never notice me either professionally or personally. Then I leave and you think you can change the rules and I'm gonna what… jump into bed with you. Is that what this is about? A conquest? Sex? A campaign sex conquest?"

Josh opened his mouth but nothing came out the first time. He tried again. "What are you talking about?"

"Is this about some final notch on your bedpost? I become a political player, the kind of woman that your ego allows you to sleep with, and all of a sudden you want me in your bed!?"

"It's not like that!" Josh's voice grew heated as he mounted his defense.

"Really? Because you sure never wanted me before." Her hands were planted firmly on her hips.

"I can't believe…" He was flabbergasted at the accusations coming out of her mouth. Of all the things he had expected, this wasn't it. He shook his head at her. "You can't honestly believe I would be like that… with you. Never with you."

Her voice wasn't really that loud, but the tone gave the illusion of a shriek. "What else am I supposed to believe? You don't pay attention to me for the better part of a decade-"

"I was paying attention." It came out a cross between a mumble and a growl. 

"…and now we've been working together five days and suddenly-"

"I moved too fast," Josh interrupted to explain, but Donna wasn't listening. 

"…you're wining me and dining me and kissing me?"

"You kissed me first!" He knew he sounded like a spoiled kid, but it was out before he could reel it back in. 

"I did not," she ground out indignantly.

"You did! Right here." Josh pointed to the exact spot on his cheek. "And then we shared an amazing kiss, which you returned." He lowered his voice in order to qualify, "At least for a few minutes."

She didn't have anything to say to that. So she just stared at him, but there was fire in her eyes, a fiercely protective fire that raged, determined not to reveal that it was masking something. But its mere presence belied its purpose. And Josh suddenly knew this wasn't about him, and the only way to tear down her defenses was to get to the root of the problem.

Visually, he searched the room again as she stood seething. Something had been nagging him since he first entered. Finally, his eyes rested once again on the desk. His voice was soft and even when he finally spoke. "Why did you order coffee?" 

"What?" She crinkled her brow at the change of subject.

"Coffee? You ordered it. It's after midnight, and we have to be on the plane before 7am. Why did you order it?"

"No special reason."

"You had to have a reason for ordering it."

"Just thirsty, I guess. Do I have to have your permission before having coffee, BOSS?" Donna answered, narrowing her eyes even more, until they were just angry slits. The exaggerated look might have been comical if it weren't so wretchedly not-funny.

"Why don’t you want to go to sleep?" His voice was calm and, he hoped, non-threatening, despite her challenging demeanor.

"What makes you think-" She stopped when she saw the look in his eye.

"Are you avoiding going to sleep?" 

"I'm not avoiding sleep. Actually, if you'd just leave, I'd prove it."

"You ordered coffee at midnight because you're avoiding sleep." 

"Get out," she spat and crossed her arms against her torso. 

"What happens when you go to sleep, Donna?"

"Nothing."

"Donna…"

"Who do you think you are?!" She demanded again.

He waited a second, his eyes never losing contact with her face. His voice was firm, giving the illusion it was raised, but it wasn't. It was actually quite soft. "Donna, what's wrong with you?"

And those words were the key. Because it was the same question she'd ignored for months, but had been her constant companion for the last week. What was wrong with her? She took one last look at him and burst into tears.


	12. Chapter 10, Part B

Donna had been on the proverbial edge from the moment she'd fled from Josh's arms to the moment she'd broken down at his questioning. She didn’t realize she'd forgotten her shoes until she was once again in the lobby, and the tile was cold and hard against the bottom of her feet. Still, she hadn't backtracked to the restaurant to get them. She liked the sandals, they had thin black straps and a cork wedge heel, and it was the first time she'd worn them. She definitely didn't want to lose them, but still, they weren't worth potentially running into Josh. 

Once she reached her room, she'd immediately gone into her bedtime ritual, trying to act normal, forget what had just happened. It didn't matter. It didn't affect her. If she told herself that it didn't, maybe it actually wouldn’t. But the truth was that her heart hurt. A sad ache that was hard to ignore. And it was when she looked up while washing her face and saw her reflection in the mirror, that she realized that there was no way she wanted to risk sleep. 

Sleep meant dreams. And she didn't want her first kiss with Josh tainted by a dream. It didn't occur to her that that might be irrational, since the kiss was already tainted by her running away in the middle of it. So she ordered a pot of coffee and set her mind to pushing aside the events of the night, just as she'd pushed aside so many other things lately, and tried to think about something, anything, other than Josh or what had happened.

***

On the outside Josh was frozen, but on the inside his gut twisted and his heart constricted almost painfully in his chest the second Donna lost it. He'd been pushing her, purposely pushing her. No doubt about it. He'd known the answer, but he’d also known that the answer had to come from her in order to mean anything.

She'd turned so she was standing with her back to him at the end of the bed… sobbing uncontrollably. He came up behind her and slowly reached for her shoulder, but the second she felt his presence, she jerked away. 

"Donna…" His voice was gentle, but she jerked away again just at the sound of it. She moved closer to the corner of the room as if trying to find cover.

He stood assessing the situation for a second before walking quickly into the bathroom and grabbing the entire box of tissues from under the faux silver box that covered them. With care, he approached her until he was once again standing right behind her. He stuck a handful of tissues in front of her and whispered, "I'm sorry, Donna… I'm sorry I had to push." 

By rote, she took the tissues and clutched them to her face, but she didn't stop sobbing. But this time when he put his hand on her shoulder the jerk was only slight, and since she was standing almost fully in the corner now, she couldn't really move to escape him. They stood like that for a minute, Donna allowing him to rest his hand on her shoulder as she soaked the tissues with her tears. Next he tried to gently pull her towards him, which did succeed in turning her around so that she was facing him. But instead of coming into his waiting arms like he'd hoped, she instead pressed her back against the wall behind her and slowly slid down it towards the floor. Josh wasn't sure what to do. After a few seconds of deliberation, he ended up pressing his back against the wall next to her and sliding down beside her.

Josh wasn't good with crying women in general; what man was? It made him uncomfortable. But a crying Donna went well beyond uncomfortable for Josh, and this particular instance of a crying Donna hurt in the deepest corner of his soul. Of course he'd seen her cry before, witnessed her shedding tears because she was touched or grieving at a funeral, and, unfortunately, from pain. But never before like this, never before in body-convulsing sobs that seemingly had no end in sight. He'd never seen her so lost, or felt at such a loss as to what to do for her.

As they sat, Donna continued to cry, but her sobs became more controlled. Until Josh slipped an arm behind her back. Then she started to cry again, harder, but this time she didn't resist his attempt to pull her towards him. Finally letting go of her last internal wall of inhibition and fear, she melted into him, tucking her head against his chest and letting him wrap his arm fully around her. He sighed deeply as his right hand, which was at his side and away from her body, came up to gently cradle the back of her head to him. He buried it in the soft tangles of her hair as her already-loose ponytail came completely undone in his fingers.

For Donna, it was as if emotional tidal wave after emotional tidal wave were crashing around her, as feelings she'd thought she'd locked safely away were finally freed. And as he held her, she found herself clinging to him as if her life depended on it. 

He could feel every emotion as it passed through her body and manifested itself physically-- every shake, shiver and sob. Still, he was completely relieved to be holding her, to be able to comfort her with his touch. She felt small and almost delicate in his arms, but at the same time, she was warm and soft and life was coursing through her. That gave him hope. Despite the tissues, his shirt became soaked with her tears. His back hurt and his bottom was going numb from sitting on the floor, but he didn't notice. The woman in his arms was the beneficiary of his entire focus and he wasn't about to let her go.

They sat like that for quite some time, Donna crying and Josh trying hard not to. And while he managed not to shed any, his eyes did cloud with tears more than once. It broke his heart to see her like this, but he held onto the thought that this was good. This was cathartic; maybe she had to go through this in order to come out on the other side. And he really needed her on the other side. 

As her sobs began to subside, Josh gently removed the balled-up tissues from her hand and handed her a fresh batch. When he spoke, his voice was soft, but, he hoped, reassuring. "You're having nightmares, aren't you? You ordered the coffee to try to stay awake and avoid them."

She didn't speak, but she did nod her head against his chest in affirmation. He held her more tightly and knew he had to come clean. "I heard you on the phone on Tuesday… making an appointment."

That admission caused her to immediately lift her body away from his and meet his eyes. He saw a defensive flash of anger pass across her tear-stained face, as if she were going to confront him. But all it took was one look at the concern written in his eyes, and her momentary anger was diffused. Instead, all she did was nod again.

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I was on my way into your office when I heard you say the word ‘recurrent’."

Swallowing hard, she put her head down and burrowed close to him again, as if he could protect her from the word. They sat silently for several long seconds as Josh rubbed one hand up and down her arm in a comforting motion.

"What are the nightmares about?" He whispered into her hair. Of course he knew. They were about Gaza, the explosion, hospitals. But he also knew from experience that talking about them was necessary in confronting them. 

This time she shook her head against his chest as if to indicate that she wouldn’t or couldn't answer.

"Please talk to me, Donna. I promise you things get better, less real, after you talk about it." At these words she looked up at him.

"What are the nightmares about?" He prodded again when she met his eye.

She had no more resistance. Fifteen minutes ago she could have lied to him, but not now. Now, after crying, she was physical and emotional Jell-o, and the warmth and strength of his arms created a place that made her feel more protected than she had in months. She took a deep breath, curled closer to him so she couldn't see his reaction, and uttered her first word since breaking down. 

"You."

Taken aback, Josh sat, unmoving. Even the hand that had been rubbing soothing circles on her arm stilled.

"Me?" He asked in a small voice. She nodded, slightly terrified of his reaction, as she listened to him process that information. "What… like me being hurt or something?"

"I shouldn't have told you." Josh could feel the movement of her lips against his chest. A fleeting thought flitted through his mind, noting that it wasn't an unpleasant sensation. 

"Of course you should have. Is that it? You dream of me being hurt?" It made sense; to many people, dreaming about family or friends being hurt was much more terrifying than dreaming about being hurt themselves. That would also explain why she was pushing him away, afraid to get too close, lest the dreams come true. "Because I'm fine. There's nothing to worry-"

"Not exactly," she cut him off.

"Not exactly?"

"I can't…" She shook her head and brought her hands up to shield her face, even though he couldn't see it tucked against his chest anyway.

"Please, Donna. If we're going to make this stop, I have to know what we're dealing with."

"We?" The sound of her voice was muffled under her palms.

"Yeah… you're not dealing with this alone. At least not anymore." 

That actually brought a faint smile to Donna's lips as she finally removed her hands and looked back up at him. "That's pretty presumptuous after all those things I just said…" 

"Well, I'm a presumptuous guy," he interrupted gently.

She looked down to where the wadded-up tissue was clutched in her hands. "That's true… but I can't tell you."

Josh brought his right hand up to meet hers. He eased one tightly-balled hand open and removed the tissue, but didn't let go. "Please."

"You're sure?" She stared at where her hand was surrounded by his.

"Positive. I think it's important. Besides they're just dreams… they can't hurt anybody."

She took a deep breath and leaned back against him. She wished that she were as sure as he was. But at the moment, she was the emotional headcase on the crying jag and he was the one who had it together, so maybe he was right. However, if she was going to tell him about her dreams, she couldn’t do it while looking at him. And curling herself against his chest again seemed to be a not unattractive alternative. Besides, she felt safe there. She actually couldn't remember the last time she felt safe. But there on the floor, his arms around her, she did feel safe. Which was sort of ironic in light of her dreams. "In the dreams… you… you're…"

He squeezed her reassuringly and rested his cheek against the top of her head.

"You're mean," she was finally able to utter.

"What?" Instantly, his heart started thudding in his chest again.

"In the dreams, you're mean."

"I'm mean? How… am I mean?" 

"You say really terrible things about me."

"What kinds of terrible things?" he asked slowly, feeling an overwhelming nausea start to take hold. He swallowed, trying to gain control over the reaction.

"They're terrible." Despite the gravity of the conversation and being positively sick to his stomach, Josh almost smiled at the tone of her voice. She sounded like a very young girl. 

"Okay." He tried not to panic and instead tried to think of what someone clinical and emotionally uninvolved might ask. "Do I… um… say the same terrible thing all the time?"

"It's usually different. You vary it up. And it's usually related to a conversation we've just had."

"Oh… but I don't say the thing from the dream in real life, do I?" He was glad she couldn’t see the fear in his eyes. He knew he'd said his share of inappropriate and insensitive things over the years. 

"No… but the dreams. They seem real. They seem like things you might say if…"

"If what?"

"If you were saying what you really think."

He swallowed hard. "Okay, tell me one."

"I don't think…"

"Donna… you can't accuse me of saying something mean in your dream, which I might really think, without telling me what I said." 

In spite of herself, Donna gave a sort of hiccupped laugh. "Okay."

Josh pulled her closer and started to rub his hand up and down her spine as she began to tell her about her dreams.

__**Leaving me was the stupidest thing you ever did.  
You're a loser. Typical. It shouldn't be a hard feeling for you to identify. You've certainly had enough experience failing in your life.  
Glad you quit… saved me the trouble of firing you.  
God, I loved toying with you. You were just so easy.  
What are you doing here? You don't belong at this level. You're a secretary. Nothing more.  
Slut**

Donna gave Josh the Cliff’s Notes version of her dreams. When it came to dream!Josh slamming her professionally, she pretty much gave him the full story, but she glossed over the parts that were still too personally revealing. She left out any details that might disclose her long-standing adoration and emotional attachment to him. Even though she was pretty much stripped bare in front of him right now, there were some things she still couldn’t say. 

When she was finished, they sat in silence. Josh was shocked and appalled. He couldn’t believe that she thought he might actually think some of those…THINGS about her. Part of him was sad that she thought he was capable of such ungenerous thoughts. But he also knew how affecting dreams could be. He wanted to defend himself, but how do you defend yourself against something you never actually said? But before he could begin to refute anything, he first had to make sure she'd told him everything. 

"Is that…" He stopped to clear his throat, as it currently sounded like someone had sandpapered his larynx. "Is that… am I… what all the dreams are about?"

"No." 

"What else?"

It took a minute for her to answer, but when she did, her voice was soft and clogged with tears. He handed her several fresh tissues. "I dream about… Gaza."

"Oh." This is what he'd expected in the first place. "What do you dream about?"

She shrugged against his chest, but didn't respond.

"Is it like re-living the explosion?"

It took her a second before she found her voice. "Kind of, but it's different."

His gut twisted immediately at the thought of a different outcome. "Do you… does something different happen to you…" 

She knew what he was trying to ask. He was asking if she dreamt about dying. "No, everyone else dies and I always walk away… unscathed… just like in real life."

Now his voice was raw and full of pure emotion. "You didn't walk away unscathed, Donna. In fact, you were so scathed I thought I was going to lose my mind."

That brought a quiver to her voice, as more tears flooded her eyes at his words. She knew he wasn't totally unaffected by what had happened to her, but they'd never really talked about it. "Compared to everyone else in that Suburban I got off lucky. But I can't figure out…" She trailed off.

"What?" He asked softly as he pressed his lips against the top of her head. 

"Why was I the lucky one? Out of those people, those amazingly important people, why am I the only one who lived?"

Josh sat still for a minute, but he continued to rub her back. Finally he cleared his throat. "I don't know. Just like I don't know why that bullet didn't hit me a centimeter to the left and kill me instantly, or two feet to the right and miss me completely. I don't know why I got shot, or why I lived. I don't know why it was your car and not one of the others, or why it was that Codel, or whatever would have possessed me to send you in the first place. So I don't know why you lived or why you were hurt, I just know I'm so incredibly grateful that you're here, with me, right now."

Donna shook her head against his chest, his words not fully reaching her. "Out of everyone in that car… it should have been me. Those men… they had kids, families, incredibly important jobs. I was the least significant-"

"Don't say that." Josh's voice was harsh and he moved so that she was forced to sit up. Twisting towards her, he put a hand on either of her shoulders and looked deeply into her puffy, red-rimmed eyes. "Don't ever say that. Life isn't measured that way. No one human is more significant than the next. But if it were, I can think of no one more important than you."

"But they were all somebodies. I'm nobody." She sounded so small and broken that he felt his heart physically clench in his chest.

Inhaling sharply, he gripped her shoulders more tightly. "It's not your fault you survived. You didn't get to choose who lived and who… didn't. And for the record, you're an incredibly big somebody to a lot of people… including me."

"They had people who depended on them… their families were devastated," Donna sniffled in reply.

"So you think it would have been better if your family was devastated instead?" He paused a second to let that sink in before continuing, "And I would have been just as, if not more, devastated had I lost you." 

"No…" she shook her head slightly in disbelief.

"Yes." He shook her ever-so-gently, as if to make her pay heed to his words. "There are no words to describe the place I was in when I didn't know whether or not you were going to be okay." At the memory, hot tears threatened behind his eyes and made them suspiciously bright, but he ignored them. "Devastated… devastated is an understatement. Grief-stricken doesn't quite cut it. I was terrified by the thought of losing you and I don't know… I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come back." 

His voice was packed with every ounce of emotion he felt, which was a tad overwhelming for both of them at that moment. Her eyes went wide as they searched his and were confronted with the fact that he was being honest. 

All at once it hit her, what he must have gone through, and she flung herself at him. Why hadn't she thought more about what it had been like for him? Her arms went all the way around his torso and she squeezed him tightly, pressing the side of her face against his chest. She sought to reassure him, "I'm okay… I'm okay."

Josh had to smile as he wrapped his arms snugly around her and hugged her back. Because even in the throes of an emotional breakdown, she could still make how he was feeling her priority. 

He kissed the top of her head. "Yes, you are." Or she was going to be. He was going to make sure of it.

After several long minutes had passed with neither of them speaking, he reluctantly decided she needed a break. He was reluctant because he could have sat on the floor, Donna wrapped tightly around him… forever. However, it was getting late and he knew that she needed more help sorting through this than he alone could give her. 

She sat up when he began to move. His muscles complained after being cramped on the floor for so long and he let out an involuntary groan as he got to his feet. Once standing, he held out a hand to her. "Come on." 

A bit hesitantly, she slipped her hand into his and allowed him to pull her to her feet. "Why don’t you go splash some water on your face and I'll tuck you in."

Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, she gave an almost imperceptible nod. Too drained to do anything but follow his orders, she obediently headed for the bathroom. 

The image that confronted her in the mirror was just this side of unrecognizable. Big red blotches covered her usually flawless skin, and her eyes were puffy and as bloodshot as she'd ever seen them. She knew she'd cried enough tonight to warrant it, but the image still sent a shudder up her spine. She wondered why Josh hadn't run screaming at the sight of her. 

She washed her face in cool water and it made her feel, if not look, marginally better. Several minutes later she emerged from the bathroom. Josh peeled back the covers of the king-size bed and dutifully, she climbed in. He pulled the bedding up and under her arms and then sat down on the bed beside her. Leaning over her, he placed an arm on either side of her body for support and intently gazed down at her.

"I have a bone to pick with you." His voice was quiet, but his eyes were intense. 

"What?" She asked breathlessly.

"I would never… NEVER say or think those things about you, the dream things. My feelings are a little hurt… not because you had the dreams, but that once you were awake you actually thought that I might… think any of those awful things." He took a deep breath as he brought one hand up to gently caress her face and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "I've tried-- and granted it's only been the last week-- but I've tried to show you how amazingly talented I think you are. I thought you were getting that."

"I have. That's why it's been… confusing."

"Well, to avoid further confusion and just so we understand each other, not only would I never say or think those things about you… I would beat up anybody who did."

"You can't beat anybody up." The words were meant to be a joke, but her eyes were large and round and suspiciously wet once again.

He smiled down at her. "I beat Toby up."

"That's your story. Toby might tell a different one." She smiled weakly back at him.

"Well, let someone say or even think just one of those things about you and watch me."

She nodded several times and blinked to keep the tears from coming again. 

He watched her closely. "Donna, they're just dreams and I promise you they are going to go away. Besides the phone conversation I overheard, have you talked to anybody about this?"

"You mean besides you?" She asked innocently and his chest constricted at the thought that she'd been experiencing symptoms for months and the entire time she'd been suffering all alone. He knew what it was like to suffer alone. And he also knew how much better things got almost instantly when you were no longer facing the situation by yourself. Why hadn't he seen something sooner? It was true that they'd been working closely together again for only the last week, and it was true that he'd known something was wrong since she ducked out on their meeting at the convention. But why hadn't he sensed something was wrong a year ago… right when they got back from Germany? Or for the six months they still worked together after that. He remembered her pushing him away, but he should have pushed back. He would give anything to go back there, back to a time when he could have ignored his own insecurities and abject fear, and pushed back.

"Josh?" She questioned in a small voice that broke him out of his thoughts.

As he re-focused on her, he knew he had to stop the second guessing and the guilt, at least for tonight. Tonight was about her. He smiled down at her as he started tucking the blanket around either side of her like she was a little kid. "Are you going to be able to sleep?" 

"Maybe… but if you were, you know… you could beat him up if he comes."

He stilled, one hand resting on her far hip, the other hovering near her waist. Her thought hadn't been complete, but Josh knew exactly what she was asking. And he was vastly relieved. He didn't want to leave her; actually, he'd considered camping outside her door. Wordlessly, he turned onto the bed and toed off his shoes; he hadn't taken the time to tie the laces down in the restaurant, so they slipped off without a struggle. Standing, he quickly unbuttoned his white tear-soaked shirt to reveal an undershirt, and in one fluid motion, unzipped his pants and kicked them off, leaving him clad, just like Donna, in boxers, a white T-shirt and socks.

She knew that Josh sleeping in her room wasn't professional. She knew it was everything she'd been trying so hard to avoid over the course of the last week. The thing to do would be to tell him she was fine and that he could go back to his own room. He was in the bathroom now, but he would emerge any minute and most likely climb into bed with her. Unless he'd changed his mind and didn't want to stay. The thought caused a wave of panic to rush over her. After it subsided, she decided maybe she wouldn't tell him to go away. Besides, right now she didn’t really care. Her energy was zapped and her resolve was gone. And more than anything she didn't want him to leave.

When he exited, he paused, unsure of where to go. Should he sleep on the floor? The chair? Or climb into bed with her? It was a big bed, certainly spacious enough to accommodate the two of them. Momentarily, he thought about crossing to her side of the king-size bed and getting in right behind her, in order to hold her tight. That's what he wanted to do. But he knew that might not be the most appropriate thing to do. Not that getting into bed with her smacked of appropriateness in the first place. Instead, he stopped at the far side of the bed and when she voiced no objection he quickly crawled under the covers.

Donna turned onto her side so that she faced him, and he did the same. About three feet separated them in the over-sized king. Neither of them spoke or turned out the last light; the lamp on Donna's nightstand remained illuminated.

After a few minutes, he broke the silence in a quiet voice. "You have to see somebody about the dreams and about Gaza and the guilt." 

"What guilt?"

It seemed almost impossible to him that she didn't realize that she was guilt-ridden for having lived, but he didn't let that show. "I think you might have a little survivor's guilt." Or a lot. 

"Oh."

"You have to see somebody," he repeated.

"Am I…" She couldn't even get the entire question out. 

"What?" He lifted an eyebrow even though he was lying on his side.

"Am I fired?" The acid churned in her stomach at the thought. How had this job that she'd almost not taken become so important to her in the last five days?

"What? No!" he answered quickly. "Of course you're not fired. We need you." Finally, he allowed a smile. "Besides, after dinner tonight, I think the Congressman likes you better than he likes me."

"Well, that goes without saying." She made a joke. An honest-to-goodness joke. And that made her smile. A little, at least.

He smiled as well and extended his bottom arm out in front of him, his hand lying palm up halfway between them… in invitation. Slowly, she reached over and rested her hand against his, palm against palm. He gave her a little squeeze, and then looked her in the eye and repeated, "Of course you're not fired… but you have to see somebody."

She swallowed roughly and stared at their connected hands and not his face. "I know."

"I know it feels like an impossible thing, talking to some stranger. But it's going to be a lot easier than you think."

"Okay."

There were silent for a short stretch before he spoke again. The light was still on, but her eyes had begun to flutter closed. "I'm sorry I kissed you."

They popped back open and she managed to sound skeptical. "Really?" 

"Well, I guess I'm not sorry that I kissed you, I'm just sorry that you didn't like it."

"I didn't not like it."

"Yeah?" He perked up slightly. 

She nodded. "I'm sorry for running away. I feel pretty stupid for overreacting..." Her voice trailed off and then she met his eye again. "It was a nice kiss."

"Yeah." If one looked closely they might have seen him blushing. "But I'm sorry I didn't do, you know, better for a first kiss. Better circumstances." 

"Josh…" She slid her hand so now she could soothe small circles against his palm with her thumb. "We were on a barefoot stroll in a park overlooking the ocean; you rescued me from a frog… as far as circumstances for first kisses go, you didn't do half-bad."

"I did rescue you from a frog," he repeated with self-satisfaction.

"You did." 

They exchanged small, almost shy smiles at that. Finally, he asked, "If we turn out the light, are you going to be able to sleep?"

She tried to stifle a yawn and failed. "I don't think I have a choice." She glanced back to him nervously. "You'll be here?" 

Now he twisted his hand slightly so that he could twine his fingers through hers. "I'm not going anywhere."

So she reached behind her, awkwardly because she refused to let go of Josh's hand, and turned out the light, determined to drift off into a dreamless sleep.


	13. Chapter 11

Despite how hard it was for Josh to get up in the morning, he actually was a very light sleeper. So it wasn't surprising that he woke as soon as Donna became restless. After all, they were sharing a bed, a benchmark that was not at all lost on Josh, even in the first moments of waking. 

"Donna…" His voice was groggy as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. When he focused on her, he could see that she was not at peace-- her face was twisted into a grimace and she was making a noise that was somewhere between a groan and a whimper. 

"Donna, wake up." The second time he said her name, his voice was more urgent and he reached towards her. As soon as his fingers touched her shoulder, she cried out and sat bolt upright. Her breath came in short, staccato pants, and even in the dark of the room he could see the terror in her eyes. He said her name again, in a way that he hoped was soothing. When he gently placed his hand on her arm, she finally looked over at him. 

It took a second for her to process where she was and what had happened. Josh. Josh was in her bed. It was a dream. She'd just had another dream.

Stifling a yawn, he shifted closer to her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…" She tried to swallow, but her throat was too dry. With shaking hands, she reached to the side of the bed for a bottle of water. There wasn't any there.

"What do you need?"

"Water…" Her gaze shifted to the bathroom door as she slowly started to move like she was going to get up. 

"No…" Josh squeezed her arm. "I'll get it. Let me get it."

Donna was grateful; she felt like she was trembling all over and didn't really want to see how that translated into walking around the bed and into the bathroom.

Once he'd handed her a glass and she'd taken several sips, he asked cautiously, "Did you have another nightmare?" As if he didn't know the answer. 

Anxiously, she glanced over her water into his eyes, and read the obvious concern written there. It didn't help her to know how anxious he was, so she thought she'd put at least one of their minds to rest. "No."

The solid, nearly forceful way she said the word almost evoked a laugh from him. Almost. "Are you lying?"

"Yes."

"Was it…" He stumbled as the words clogged in his throat. "Um… do I… uh… have to beat myself up?"

Inhaling sharply, she quickly shook her head. "No."

"Are you lying again?"

Once more, she shook her head.

"Are you sure you're not lying?"

"I dreamt about the explosion," she confessed after taking another sip of water.

"Oh."

"I could feel it." Her eyes had adjusted to the dark and she stared at the sheet that covered her lap.

That revelation hit him like a blunt object ramming directly into his gut… and then twisting his insides upside down. "Pain? You could feel the pain?"

"No…" Hearing the distress in his voice, she quickly looked up and found his eyes. "The moment… the memory… the sound… I was getting into the Suburban and then I was flying through the air and that's when I woke up."

"Come here." His voice was soft as he took the glass of water out of her hand, set it on the bedside table, propped onto one elbow and held his arm out to her in invitation.

She stared at him a moment, some part of her hesitating at the unquestionably appealing offer. The problem was that she could feel herself starting to depend on him, to need him, and that was almost as frightening, in a different way, as the dream. But it must have been a part of her without much control, because the next thing she knew, he was pulling her into his arms and she was going willingly. 

He glanced past Donna to the alarm clock on her side of the bed. 4:30am. "We don't have to be up for at least an hour." 

"Mmmmm…" Sighing into his shoulder, she snuggled even closer to him. Like they were made to fit, she was draped half over him, her left arm wound across his waist and her head resting on his shoulder. He was warm and solid under her and she immediately felt safe again. 

"Do you think you can… get some more rest?" He wasn't sure he was going to get any with the distracting way she was wrapped around him, but he pushed that thought away. It wasn't time for that yet.

"Maybe," she answered truthfully. 

"Your heart is racing." Josh's voice still had an edge of concern as he circled his arms around her and latched his fingers together at her back, holding her snugly to him.

"How do you know?" She murmured into his shoulder and he glanced down to where her chest was pressed tightly against his side.

"I can feel it."

"I'm okay. I'll be okay… it just takes a minute for… all systems to go back to normal."

They were silent for several minutes, before Josh finally spoke again. He'd been lying there trying to fight his anger, his anger… at anything and everything that caused her so much pain, including himself. Keeping his voice even, he asked, "Why didn't you get help for this before now?" 

When she didn't answer, he prompted her with her name and a gentle squeeze. 

"I… I was busy."

"It's been over a year," he admonished gently.

"I was scared… and… it's…"

"What?"

"It's gotten a bit worse lately." 

"Oh." The blunt object that had hit him earlier was now slamming even further and harder into his gut. He knew he was the reason she was having more dreams as of late. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you… back then," he whispered into her hair.

"It's not your fault."

"It is… I… uh… wanted to be there for you, but…"

"I pushed you away." She watched her hand intently as she brought it up to lay flat, fingers splayed against his chest in front of her. The ease with which she admitted it almost startled her. 

"Well… yeah… but I allowed it because I was stupid."

"Yeah… but you're always stupid." She squeezed him tighter, trying to lighten the mood.

Josh took a couple of seconds and then swallowed hard; he was about to admit something that he hadn't even admitted to himself. "I was jealous."

"You were?"

"Yeah… I wanted to be there for you but I didn't think you needed me… you had…"

"I had what?" 

The words tried to lodge in his throat, but he forced them out roughly. "Colin… you had Colin." 

"I didn't have Colin," Donna said quietly.

"You didn't?" Josh couldn't believe they were discussing this; his heart started accelerating, despite his best efforts to stay unruffled.

Reluctantly, she pulled away from him so she could look him in the eye. He released his linked hands so she had room to prop herself on one forearm. "No… yes…" She shook her head slightly. "What I mean is that it didn't go past Gaza. He's a good guy and it was wonderful of him to come to Germany after what happened to me. But except for a few emails about how I was recovering, I said goodbye to him in Germany."

"So he wasn't in the equation all that time… after you got back?" 

She shook her head in answer. 

"Oh." His heart felt lighter and he felt a small smile tug at his lips, which was ridiculous, because they were talking about events that took place over a year ago and he knew that she wasn't with him now. However, his pride had been wounded when he'd found he wasn't the only man in Germany; if he was honest with himself, he'd wanted to be the most important person at her bedside. And in her life.

"Stop it." She punched him lightly on the shoulder when she saw him struggling not to smile. 

"Stop what?" He shifted his attention back to her, trying to look innocent.

"Gloating." He caught her hand as she was about to whap him again and they sat staring at each other for a few moments, both of them realizing that this was a significant conversation, but not really knowing what to make of it. Finally, Donna broke eye contact and relaxed back on top of him. Instantly, his arms wrapped back around her. 

"I'm not gloating," he sighed as she settled back against him. He was pretty sure he would never get tired of the way it felt to have her in his arms. After a brief pause, he decided he couldn't let it go, so he ventured, "So those flowers really weren't from him?"

"I told you at the time they weren't." There was a bit of a huff to her voice, but she didn't sound angry. 

"At the time I didn't believe you," he answered back softly. "So those phone calls weren't him either?"

"Those were media types trying to get me to tell my story. Or buy my story."

He berated himself again for having been so blinded by his own intrinsic self-involvement. "I was jealous."

"Not you!" She mocked, but the truth was, she was shocked that he was so freely admitting it.

"I've pretty much been jealous of every man who's looked at you or talked to you or been free to pursue you since the day we met." His voice was soft, but surprisingly matter-of-fact. Especially surprising because it was the first time he was acknowledging it to anyone, including himself. And as he said it, he knew it was undeniably true. If there had been a shrink present, he'd be having a breakthrough. 

She felt the breath whoosh out of her. "Why?" 

"Because that's what men in my position do."

"What position is that?" 

The position a man finds himself in when he's madly in love with a woman he can't have, or at least isn't brave enough to choose. But he didn't say that. "I… uh… I'm not sure, but I was in the position."

It took a few seconds to process that, and even though she wasn't positive what it meant, she snuggled into him even further.

With his arms wrapped comfortably around her and the rhythm of his steady breathing in her ear as he drifted off, she was almost calm enough to sleep. But she didn't, she never could after waking from one of the nightmares. At least they all seemed to come in the morning.

But perhaps this newfound proximity with him did as much to discourage sleep as the remnants of her nightmare. Not that it was upsetting to be so thoroughly entwined with him; on the contrary she didn't want to miss a moment. Not one beat of his heart against her palm or one second of the delightful way it felt when she slid her bare leg against his softly under the sheets. As far as distractions from the nightmares went, this was definitely the best she'd ever experienced. So she lay awake in his arms, enjoying every detail, at least for as long as it lasted. Unfortunately, she knew it wouldn't last long enough. Reality would soon be an unwelcome and unstoppable intrusion. 

***

An hour later, the ring of the wake-up call rudely interrupted their slumber. Or at least Josh's slumber. He groaned as he felt Donna untangling herself from him in order to sit up and answer the phone. 

"Morning," Josh greeted Donna sleepily once she had returned the receiver to its cradle. The fingers in his left hand were a bit numb from the way her weight had pressed against his arm, but he didn't care. His body felt bereft of her presence, the areas where she'd been wrapped around him felt suddenly cool. He didn't like the cool.

"Morning," she answered softly.

"Did you go back to sleep?" He roughly rubbed his hands against his eyes, trying to force the sleep away.

She hesitated before answering with an overly bright, "Yup." With that, she quickly got out of bed and started bustling around the room. Josh, however, wasn't buying it.

Knowing he had to get up if they were going to make the bus to the plane, he reluctantly threw the covers to the foot of the bed. Stretching, he finally took a good look at her as she walked around the room, carrying a bundle from her suitcase. She looked exhausted. Of course, why wouldn't she? They'd had a romantic breakthrough—or what he hoped was a romantic breakthrough-- followed by an emotional breakdown, followed by another nightmare and sleeplessness. It was to be expected, but somehow he'd hoped that his presence would have made more of a difference. He hated that she looked so drained.

"You didn't get back to sleep, did you?"

"I got some rest." Her answer was terse, defiance creeping into her tone at his questioning, at his refusal to believe her. 

When he didn't say anything further Donna stopped her movements around the room and looked at him. His hair was rumpled and his T-shirt had ridden up, exposing a sliver of skin from his side to his stomach. He looked unbearably cute, despite the slightly stung expression in his still sleepy eyes. She immediately softened; she didn't want to be the one that put that look there. He'd been nothing but great. 

So she offered him a shy smile and went to their fall back position. Teasing. "How could you expect me to sleep with all the snoring?"

Josh let out the breath he'd been holding and relaxed visibly. He rejoined quickly, but with a grin. "There was no snoring. I don't snore." 

"How do you know?" 

He even managed an early morning smirk. "You would have told me by now if I did."

At that the heat rose and colored the pale skin of her face. It was true over the years that they'd slept many times in the other's presence, if not in each other's arms like last night. After biting her lip she pulled herself together enough to change the subject and point out the obvious. "We both need to get a move on if we're going to make the plane."

He studied her for a long moment as she turned back to her suitcase. She seemed okay, still obviously worn-out. "Do you need…?”

"What?" She smiled again and looked at him questioningly. 

"Nothing… I, uh… you're right, we need to get a move on." He'd been about to offer her some time off that day, but he just couldn't do it. Instinctively, he knew she would react badly to the suggestion, no matter how much she might need the rest, and he just couldn't stand having her mad at him at that moment. 

"Okay…" She paused at the bathroom and blushed again as she looked at him still sitting in her bed. "I'm gonna take a shower now." 

"'Kay." Josh nodded and lingered a few seconds after she shut the door. Just long enough to hear the water start, before taking off for his own room to shower and dress.

***

She'd been walking from the tarmac to the line of vehicles waiting to take them to their many engagements in Sacramento when it happened. Engrossed in the schedule that she was checking over as she moved, she didn't see the vehicles until she was upon them. Three black Suburbans, right in a row. Unbidden images began to flash across her mind. Perspiration formed on her lip as a sick feeling wrenched her stomach. 

She stood, frozen in her tracks, as several hurrying staffers brushed by her. There was a whirl of activity around her, but she couldn't focus on it. Donna felt herself nod when one of the junior staffers stopped next to her and pointed to her vehicle. It was one of the menacing black machines; they reminded her of large black metal coffins. Taking several deep breaths, she commanded herself to get a grip, it was just a car. With small, even steps, sweating palms, and syncopated breathing, she approached the Suburban. Panic overwhelmed her almost to the point of clouding her vision, but she didn't stop. She put her fingers on the handle of the side door, trying to force herself to open it. Her ears rung with the sounds of metal twisting and coming apart as the feeling of moving through the air overcame her. She winced visibly. Faintly, she heard staffers chattering and laughing. Anger flared in her chest. How could they laugh at a time like this? People were dying!

That's when she felt a hand cover her own on the door. And she heard him speaking to the woman with the chart. Robin. Her name was Robin. She heard him tell Robin that he wanted the Congressman to ride in a Suburban and not the limo, and it was no problem for Helen's team to take the limo instead. They would simply swap.

Once Robin had scurried away to make the switch with the drivers, Josh looked down at Donna worriedly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she answered quickly, but was grateful when he turned her away from the vehicle and they walked several steps away. Thankfully there was so much activity that no one but Josh had seemed to notice any odd behavior from her. 

"Are you sure you're okay? You don't look-"

"Yeah." She focused up at him. He was safe, the ugly memories retreated instantly and she felt her heart begin to return to normal. "You didn't need… I can… it's no big-"

"It's okay. Actually, it's true, I think the Congressman looks better getting out of… this… than out of a limo. More manly…" He attempted a very weak joke. 

"Right…" 

"Seriously, are you… what do you need?"

"Nothing…" She replied quickly. "Well, I better go…" She plastered on a fake smile and motioned towards the limo and without further ado started walking.

"Donna," he called after her. He'd been rather shaken when he'd seen her freeze in front of the line up of cars as he was exiting the plane. Instantly, he knew what was happening. He'd seen enough news footage of two black Suburbans intact while the third lay wrecked in the desert, that the visual of three of them in a line was enough to make him nauseated and he hadn't even been there. "You sure-"

She cut him off quickly and glanced at her watch. "See you in an hour and a half." The different facets of the campaign had a split schedule until the 10am rally. And then there were several hours of speeches, appearances and meetings before everyone headed by car to San Francisco for a fundraising dinner that night. 

"Yeah… an hour and a half," Josh agreed as he watched her find Helen and several other staffers and head to the limo. But he wasn't satisfied. Without further thought, he took out his phone, flipped quickly through the directory, and hit Send. 

***

Josh had been vague when he pulled her off of Helen's afternoon schedule. He told her that after Helen's luncheon and speech, he needed her in San Francisco early to take a meeting. Since Helen's afternoon contained nothing that looked like a potential pitfall, Donna didn't put up a fight. Besides, she was a little intrigued by the prospect of this meeting.

For once this trip, the campaign was actually going to be at the same hotel for two nights in a row, and thusly had booked a suite to serve as a war room if necessary. On one side of the suite was a master bedroom and on the other was a regular room, which could either be part of the suite, or could stand as its own separate unit. Whether by accident or by design, that room was the one assigned to Donna. 

The journey took more than an hour and once she'd arrived, Tim, the junior staffer in charge of luggage, met her in the lobby and gave her a key to the suite. Eager to please, he informed her that he'd already let her appointment into the suite to wait, but when questioned, admitted that he didn't know what the meeting was about. Donna thanked him and headed for the elevators.

Before letting herself into the room, she straightened her blouse and smoothed down her hair; she didn't want some California bigwig to think the campaign was disheveled. But when she opened the door, she found herself face-to-face with a surprisingly familiar face. And not from politics.

"Stanley!"

"Hi Donna, how are you?" He asked with a smile as he crossed the room to shake her hand.

"Fine… you're my appointment? Is everything okay? Is Josh okay?" She questioned worriedly.

"Yes, Josh is fine."

She sighed with relief, but that only lasted a second before a puzzled expression crept over her face. "Oh… well then why… are you contributing to the campaign?" 

"No. I'm not here on campaign business."

"Well then wha…"

"Josh called me… so that we could talk."

Donna's good mood evaporated. "He did? About what?" She questioned him cautiously through a newly tight expression.

Stanley just looked at her kindly for several ticks of the clock, before finally answering. "Why don't we sit down?"

***

She spent over three draining hours with Stanley… and since she had been exhausted before the elongated session, there was no way to describe how she felt after. Once he left, she sat back down on the couch and tried to gather her thoughts… unsuccessfully. 

But she wasn't given much time to assess her feelings, because about five minutes after he departed, around half past six, there was a knock at the suite door. It was room service.

When she protested that she hadn't ordered room service, the woman asked if she was Donna Moss and then told her the order had been phoned in. The woman motioned to a sealed envelope in the hotel's stationary that sat on the tray. Dumbfounded, all Donna could do was watch as the server bustled around the tray, setting it up in front of the couch. 

Once alone, she looked under the serving dishes: soup, salad, and some chicken and mashed potatoes. Donna tried to eye it disdainfully, but the warm, fragrant food caused her stomach to rumble. Quickly, she tore into the envelope.

_You're off for the rest of the night. Please eat and get some sleep.  
-Josh_

Objectively, she noted that Josh sending the food and the note was actually a very thoughtful gesture. And if she weren't so damn mad at him, he might have gotten credit for it.

To be fair, mad didn't do it justice. She was furious. How dare he blindside her with Stanley! She trusted him. She'd told him things she'd never told anyone else last night, not even herself. She'd laid herself bare, and he repaid the trust by turning around and forcing her into an emergency therapy session? The anger evoked by that thought was enough to rouse her from her exhaustion. She had no intention of taking the rest of the night off; she was already self-conscious that she'd missed the afternoon. She had half a mind to call the car service and go straight to the fundraiser dinner. But the spread in front of her was distracting. The aroma coming from under the serving dishes beckoned her rumbling stomach. She hadn't had much to eat at the luncheon; she'd been too busy. Maybe she would grab a bite and then call the car service.

Just as she was lifting the cover off of the chicken, she heard a card key in the door to the suite. Quickly she set it back down and considered fleeing to her own room, but the door opened too quickly for her to make a decision one way or the other. 

It was Josh. He emerged from behind the door, looking slightly disheveled and worried. 

"Hey." He surveyed her cautiously as he let himself all the way in the room and the door shut behind him.

She looked up at him defiantly, but didn't answer.

"Did you, uh…"

"What?" He didn't fail to notice that there was a snap to her tone that wasn't usually present.

"Did you… um, meet with…" His voice trailed off uncertainly as he saw her expression tighten.

"Did I what, Josh? Get completely bulldozed into an impromptu therapy session with *your* trauma therapist?"

"So you did meet with Stanley." Josh swallowed hard. Of course, he knew it had happened because he'd called Stanley every half hour until he'd finally answered. Stanley gave him no details of the session, only that it had taken place. And then had offered a piece of advice that he'd found ominous indeed. "If she's angry and decides to take it out on you… don't take it personally." Josh looked her in the eye and found that Stanley's warning was borne in truth. Unmistakable anger was currently in residence there. 

"Yes, I met with him." 

"How'd it go?" His voice was jaunty, as he mistakenly tried to act like nothing was wrong.

"None of your damn business." She struggled to keep her voice even.

"Okay…" He gulped, realizing this wasn't going as well as could be expected. For he had expected, or rather hoped, that she would have jumped into his arms, kissed him and announced that she was all better. But he knew that realistically, things like this didn't work like that. 

Her eyes narrowed like they had the night before. "So besides ambushing me, you also ordered me dinner and… to bed. Does that mean that you think I'm not going to the dinner tonight?"

"You need rest, Donna."

"So does everybody on this trip…" She shot back.

"Come here," Josh said gently as he motioned to her.

"What?" She was immediately back on guard.

"Let's do the mirror test."

"The mirror test?"

"Come look at yourself in the mirror and if you still want to dress and go to the dinner, then it's up to you."

She glared at him for several seconds before shrugging up from the couch. Slowly, with trepidation that she tried to cloak, she walked over to stand between Josh and the mirror. Once in place, what she saw was shocking. Her eyes were blood-shot and puffy. Her skin was blotchy in the places where it wasn't overly pale or smudged with dark circles. Suddenly she realized that she looked as exhausted and emotionally beaten-up as she felt.

She caught his eye in the mirror. "Okay, fine, I don't pass the mirror test." He let his eyes drop as he sighed with relief. And there was silence.

He'd just been about to put a hand on her shoulder when she spoke, her voice laced with anger. "How dare you?" 

Instead, he dropped his hand and his eyes quickly met hers again in the mirror. "Donna…"

"Why?" This time there was less anger in her voice, and more hurt.

"Because…"

"I promised you last night. Last night when I… when you… when we…" She was at a loss to describe the most emotionally naked moments she'd ever had in front of another human.

"Yes… but-"

"But what? You have to control everything? I have my own therapist back home!"

"Have you ever seen your own therapist?" He questioned quietly but firmly.

"You know I have an appointment for Tuesday… you were eavesdropping, remember?"

Clearing his throat, he steeled himself. "I guess…"

"You guess what? This is still my life, Josh, I get to decide some things. Why didn't you at least tell me I was meeting with Stanley?" Her eyes burned through the mirror at him.

"Because I was afraid you wouldn't go… and I didn't have time to take you to the appointment myself… or even to talk you into it." He knew it sounded lame, but it was the truth.

Abruptly, she left the mirror, unable to look at herself a second longer. Her haggard appearance disturbed her.

"It wasn't your place."

"You did it for me." His reply was once again quiet.

That stopped her cold, and she turned to look at him. "That was different."

"How? You knew I wasn't okay… and you went to Leo."

"Yeah, but you were…"

"I was what…" He asked softly.

"In pain."

"Exactly." He looked at her intently, but his voice was rough with emotion. "Did I ever thank you for recognizing that and doing something about it? I should have, because it ended up making all the difference in the world."

She didn't say anything, just sat there staring at him. Just then, there was an inopportune knock at the door to the suite and the scrape of another key card sliding into the lock. Josh quickly moved to the door to intercept whoever it was. 

Donna could hear rather than see, that it was Ned. "The Congressman will be ready to leave in five."

"Go ahead without me. I'll take one of the town cars in a few minutes. Any stragglers can ride with me." That was apparently all right with Ned, because Josh shut the door a moment later. 

Josh didn't want to leave her, but he had to go to the dinner. He had no choice. Not just because he was the campaign manager, but because he was one of the marquee attractions of tonight's fundraiser. The dinner was $5,000 a head, to support several of the organizations that were promoting the Congressman's health plan. And the people who were going not only wanted to meet Matt Santos and the Governor of California… they wanted to rub elbows with the guy some Republicans were calling a political Svengali. And as much as he abhorred that blatantly untrue description, he was that guy.

He turned back to face her, but she spoke first. "You should go now. You don't have to take care of me. That's not _your_ job." 

"Will you eat?" He motioned to the tray, trying not to let her ire get a rise out of him. "And get some rest?"

She let his questions hang in the air before pinning him with her gaze. "I still don't understand why it had to be Stanley? Why you had to do it like that? Why it had to be today?" If she'd been less exhausted and thinking more clearly, she would have processed how helpful the session with Stanley had been. But right now she couldn’t see through the veil of anger and fatigue. 

Tentatively, he took several steps towards her and tried the short answer. Shrugging, he replied, "He's the best." 

She crossed her arms over her chest protectively. "Josh-"

Sighing heavily, he realized the short answer wasn't going to cut it. Inhaling sharply, he started pacing as he launched into an explanation that he hadn't fully thought through himself. "I want so much for you to be okay. I hate seeing you so upset, like… last night. And then even after we talked… you had another nightmare and you couldn't sleep. And then there was whatever happened to you this morning at the Suburban. It scared me. I just wanted you to have help right then. Not wait another moment. You've already felt like this for way too long. And since we were staying in San Francisco, and Stanley lives here, it seemed like the right thing to do."

His voice was strained, but it didn't break as he continued. "He helped me more in one day, than any… help that I had before… or since. He's the best, Donna. And when you're talking about the most…" He stopped pacing and locked her gaze with his. "When you're talking about something as precious as… well, you, then I want the best." 

The force of his passion shook them both as they stood in silence, digesting what he'd said. Neither knew what to say, but Donna was done picking fights with him. She was beyond spent. She'd finally started getting some emotional release after almost a year of pent-up anxiety, and goodness knew she hadn't been getting much sleep. She felt like she was going to pass out right on the spot. 

She slumped into a chair near the food. "You better go or you're going to be late."

Josh glanced at his watch anxiously. "I know. I'm sorry, I'll be back. Will you eat and-"

"Yes," a small voice interrupted him. It wasn't a lie, she was pretty sure she could sleep for a year, and she was ravenous. 

"When I get back, do you want me to … should I…"

"What?"

Almost shyly, he tried to meet her eye. "Do you want me on bully patrol again tonight?"

Something warm wound itself around her heart at the memory of being wrapped in his arms the night before. It was more than tempting. It had been amazingly comforting to have him in her bed. In her bed. Something she'd dreamed about more than once over the years. But the answer should be no. He didn't get to make unilateral decisions about her life and then get to sleep in her bed, too. 

"It's not necessary. I don't want to be a burden," she said with a shake of her head.

"You're not a burden, Donna. I… I want to."

Her resolve almost slipped at the earnest way he asked. And because she wanted it… wanted him. But her pride wouldn't let her. "I don’t think it's a good idea, Josh. I really do appreciate what you did for me last night. But I don't think you should be on bully patrol tonight…" The words hitched in her throat before she continued. "…or for the foreseeable future. We shouldn't confuse things… this is a campaign for the Presidency. So between focusing on that and putting energy into what's going on up here…" She pointed to her temple. "I don't think we should go there… I don’t think I can go there." 

An emotional sucker punch to the gut, he felt the blow so acutely he might have doubled over. He felt as if the air had all been sucked out of him. He knew that starting something while she was facing her trauma wasn't ideal, but he just wanted it so very badly. He wanted her so very badly. And her telling him it wasn't going to happen, hurt. Especially after how close they'd been the night before.

Maybe that had been what calling Stanley had been about. He wanted to fix her… so they could go there. But in reality, things weren't that easy to fix. With his stomach now churning, he started backing away. "Okay. Um… I understand." He pointed across the room to the master bedroom of the suite. "I'm staying there if you need… anything."

The miserable expression on his face as he left affected her deep down in her soul, but she didn't show it outwardly. However, she did eat and go directly to bed.


	14. Chapter 12

Her eyes were not bloodshot. That was the first thing she noticed as she stared in the mirror before beginning her daily make-up routine. They were also free from bags and the oppressive dark circles that had plagued her yesterday. It was amazing what a good night's sleep could accomplish.

5:45am hadn't come as early as it had the other mornings of the trip. Probably because she'd gone to bed earlier than she had since… well, since she was recovering from her injuries. If she'd dreamt, it hadn't woken her, nor did she remember it. Was the desire to celebrate abnormal when the achievement was merely a full night of uninterrupted sleep? She didn't care. Perhaps she'd splurge on the expensive coffee in the lobby in order to mark the occasion. 

Physically, she felt good, actually rested for a change. Emotionally, the events of the previous day taunted her. The joy of lying tangled in Josh's arms, the horror of the flashbacks, her marathon session with Stanley, and then finally, her fight with Josh. 

Josh. Shame washed over her when she thought about how she'd treated him. Anger and exhaustion had been her guides last night. This morning the exhaustion was gone. The anger… well, it had lessened, but hadn’t completely dissipated, even with a good night's rest. Now she found it mixing with remorse, regret, guilt and a little sadness.

She missed him. 

How was that possible? She'd spent months away from him. Emotionally she'd been distant from him for over a year. Now it had been just twelve short, sleep-filled hours since she'd seen him. It was absurd to miss him, especially when she was mad at him. But she did. 

She toyed with the idea of finding him and… well, she didn't know what she would do once he was found. Not that finding him would be hard, she was certain that he was just on the other side of the door that led to the suite. All she had to do was open it. 

With a tug on her jacket, she surveyed her appearance in the full length mirror. She was dressed in a sharp white pantsuit and her hair and make-up were done to neat perfection. She looked like herself. And she was a little surprised to realize she felt like herself. It dawned at her that she'd spent a whole lot of months not feeling like herself, without even realizing it. Determinedly she turned from the mirror, ready to face her next challenge. Through which door should she exit? The door that led to the suite where Josh was-- and possibly other staffers by this point-- or the door that led to the hall, and to an easy unemotional escape from her room. 

Drawn to the door of the suite, she fingered the knob. Did she want to face him? She was suddenly inexplicably disappointed that she hadn't been able to share with him the things she and Stanley had talked about. The session had been an immense step in the right direction. A step that he'd helped her take. 

But her hand dropped from the doorknob. Because the answer was no, she couldn’t face him, at least not on personal terms. First thing this morning, Helen had breakfast at a senior center and Donna needed to go in order to prep her for the afternoon rally and evening fundraiser. In terms of the campaign, it wasn't necessary for her to talk to Josh before she left with Helen. 

With a pang of disappointment and a sigh of relief, she walked to the door that led to the hall and away from Josh. 

***

If one of them had to have a restless night, Josh was glad it was him. He just hoped that hers had, in contrast, been peaceful. While he had slept some, there'd also been a fair bit of tossing and turning. The door to his bedroom had been left wide open. In case… well, in case she needed him in the middle of the night. Apparently, she hadn't. At least he hadn't heard anything coming from her room. Not that he would have heard the effects of a nightmare across the suite and through her closed door. He was ashamed that he felt some disappointment. Part of him really wanted her to need him. 

He couldn’t help thinking about how it had felt to have her body draped against his the night before. Nothing had ever felt that right. But the moment he’d allowed himself to get lost in the fantasy, reality came crashing back. Her parting words. They had sliced through him with the precision of a steel blade. She needed to concentrate on getting better and on the campaign. They couldn't do 'this.' Now as he sat in the suite, in front of his laptop, he kept one eye on the door that led to Donna's room. While he was anxious for her to walk through it, he was also a bit fearful of her reaction to him if she did. That fear was the thing that kept him from going to her. 

With renewed determination, he tried to concentrate on an e-mail from Will. It was about a potential political landmine over a health care bill the Congressman had voted for three years earlier that was in opposition to his current plan. Nothing that would derail the campaign, but something he needed to focus on. He wasn't having much luck. 

Realistically, he should have known she'd be angry. But the truth was that at the moment when he'd called Stanley, he hadn't given a damn. He was scared. He hurt for her and he couldn't bear it another second. Even if it had cost him his chance with her, Donna getting help, Donna being well was the most important thing. But it hurt. Actually, it hurt like hell.

***

"Missed you at the dinner last night."

The voice calling out from behind Donna caught her off-guard as she stood paying for her coffee at the far end of the hotel lobby. Involuntarily, her stomach clenched. She'd been absent from the campaign since yesterday afternoon. How was she going to explain that to people? Or did they know? On sight, could they tell that she was an emotional basket case? Suffering from survivor's guilt and a little latent PTSD, carting baggage from her non-relationship with Josh?

Taking a deep breath, she started stuttering an explanation before she had completely turned to face her inquisitor. "I… uh… had to… there was a thing."

A face that looked way to happy for 6:45 in the morning greeted her. "Hmmm, a thing? Must have been deliciously top secret if you can't talk about it." Jerome wagged his eyebrows at her. While he did look interested, it didn't seem like he was about to try and strap her into a strait-jacket. That was good news.

"Oh, it wasn't… um… top secret… it was just… regular secret." She winced a little at how lame that sounded. She took a sip of her coffee in order to try and appear nonchalant. Normal. 

"Uh-huh… sure…" Jerome answered suspiciously before turning a blazing smile at the barista. "Haf-caf Toffee nut latte, venti, please."

Donna snorted.

"What?" He shot at her. 

"You want some whip cream and sprinkles with that. Maybe a cherry on top?" As she teased him, she felt herself begin to relax. This was normal. Jerome ordered a froofy coffee and she teased him. It had happened more than once during their days with Russell.

He just scowled at her and swatted her bottom with his newspaper. "Actually, Josh said your meeting yesterday lasted longer than expected. I wasn't at the dinner last night, either. Don't regret it, sounds like a real snooze fest. Had to implement some of the things we've been talking about. You know I was on the phone with Will for almost two solid hours last night. I would have thought switching to Team Santos would have lightened him up. Boy, was I wrong…"

Jerome kept rambling, but Donna tuned him out. Josh had covered for her. She was relieved, she wasn't surprised, but there was a pang of renewed anger at how much control of the situation he was taking. And then she felt guilty for the anger as she asked herself what Josh should have done. Told people she'd had an emergency trauma therapy session? She shuddered at the thought of her co-workers finding out. Josh had definitely done the right thing. Shaking it off, she turned her attention back to Jerome. As he spoke, something he'd said it hit and she became curious. "If you weren't at the dinner, how did you know I wasn't there?"

"I, uh… uh…" Jerome stuttered, suddenly looked guilty.

"You, uh, what?" Donna asked, as the answer hit her. Pillow talk.

"Someone… can't remember who… mentioned it."

"You saw someone _after_ they got back from the dinner? And before quarter of seven this morning?" There was a mischievous glint in her eye that hadn't been there in awhile. That sense of feeling better, more like her old self, hit her once again. This was a zone she could handle. Besides, this was probably something she should talk to Jerome about anyway, might as well goose him a little as she did it. "Was it… Bram, maybe?"

Jerome visibly paled. He gulped and after a moment of silence stated resignedly, "You saw us in San Diego." 

"Yes."

"We saw you, too," he tossed back saucily, regaining a bit of his usual colorful demeanor.

Donna felt a moment of alarm, but then the corners of her mouth tugged upwards. "I figured that."

"How much did you see?" Jerome asked with a cringe.

"Enough." She smiled kindly at him and reached out to pat his arm. "Don't worry."

"I'm not worried about you, but what about…" He didn't finish the question and instead just made a pointy motion upwards.

"God?" Donna questioned with mock gravity. 

"No!" Jerome looked at her indignantly, not finding the humor in the situation that Donna obviously did.

"Oh… you mean Josh?" 

"Yes," he answered nervously. "The campaign manager, our boss. You know he wouldn't have even seen us if he hadn't been sashaying around the pier himself at midnight, carrying on with a bit of his own road nookie." He looked Donna up and down, as if putting a punctuating mark on his sentence.

"Sashaying? Josh? He'd love that description." Donna gurgled with laughter. She couldn’t help it. Even though Jerome's characterization of what had happened between her and Josh was not entirely flattering, she suddenly found the entire situation hysterical. "And road nookie? Is that what you're doing? Sounds fun… more fun than I'm having, frankly. What exactly did you see us doing?"

"Well…" He began slowly as Donna looked at him pointedly, the mirth still dancing in her eyes. "We saw you… walking… in the moonlight. The two of you were sashaying about in the moonlight!" It came out as an accusation.

Donna snorted again, very much enjoying herself. "Oh, I thought road nookie would be more exciting than moonlit sashaying. And we saw more than walking in the moonlight, so I think it's clear who is engaging in road nookie and who's not."

She saw panic flash across his eyes, so she once again reached out to squeeze his arm reassuringly. "Seriously, Jerome, it's okay."

"Really?" Now he sounded incredulous.

"As with any staffers who might engage in something romantic on the campaign trail, you should try and keep a very low profile, but other than that, Josh doesn’t care." She saw Jerome sigh with relief, so she interjected, "But I wouldn’t accuse him of sashaying about in the moonlight if I were you. That'd just be asking for it."

Still serious, he nodded. "You just never know how people, especially in politics, are going to react… even in the 21st century…"

Her job done, Donna decided she should probably be a little concerned that they'd seen her and Josh… sashaying. Along with everything else, she really didn't want to try and combat rumors. She turned to him with a serious expression and interrupted his long-winded dissertation on social politics. "You and Bram, you haven't told anyone about our… moonlit walking… have you?"

With his hand he made a twisting gesture at his lips. 

Now it was Donna's turn to sigh with relief. "Thanks, I would appreciate if you kept it to yourselves."

"Sure," he agreed brightly, before a wicked gleam flashed in his eye. Fully recovered from his own scare, he started in on her. "So you and the boss man, huh? Can't say that I'm completely surprised, but you are one sneaky little minx. When we were back working for Russell, I had no idea you were—how should I put it— sashaying with the enemy…"

Thankfully, just then Donna saw Helen step off the elevator, accompanied by two staffers and a couple of secret service agents. "You've got the wrong idea. We haven't… we were just... But there's Mrs. Santos, gotta go, see you at the rally, Jerome," she called as she left him to wait for his coffee as she quickly escaped from answering any of his questions. 

Things just kept getting more and more complicated. 

***

"So… what's up with you and Josh?" 

Helen had been able to restrain herself from asking for most of the morning. She'd been dying to ask since yesterday, but they'd been busy and then Donna had been reassigned for the afternoon and Helen had lost her window. Besides, Donna had looked fairly rundown yesterday morning and had been quiet, so Helen had held her tongue. But today Donna seemed fine and Helen could no longer contain herself. 

"Why? What do you mean?" Donna answered instantly with an edge of defensiveness. She'd just been thinking about whether or not there was going to be tension between her and Josh when they next saw each other at the rally site. She'd managed to keep busy and not think about him too much with their morning schedule, but now they were headed back and they had a 45 minute drive looming ahead of them, which gave her time to think… and worry, about such things.

"You know what I mean," Helen answered knowingly.

"We're not tense… I'm not tense." 

Helen just raised an eyebrow at her. That hadn't been at all what she was getting at. She had barely seen them together… well, really since dinner in San Diego two nights ago, and they'd seemed anything but tense that night.

Donna continued, "If there's tension, it's just because Air Force One lands in an hour and we want everything to go smoothly for the fundraiser tonight." 

While Helen wasn't she what tension she was talking about, she did nod as if that made sense and changed the subject. "It's wonderful that the President and Dr. Bartlet agreed to come today. Is Leo here yet?"

Pleased that she could focus on something concrete, Donna recited the details without aid of her schedule. "The flight from Chicago should have landed…" She glanced at her watch. "Twelve minutes ago, and we'll see them in one hour and 45 minutes at the rally."

"I don't know how you keep it all straight." Helen's voice said she was clearly impressed with Donna's memory.

Donna shrugged off the compliment. "Sam Seaborn will be with Leo, have you met him before?"

Helen answered with a thoughtful shake of her head. "I don't think so."

"You'd remember," Donna smiled brightly at the thought of Sam. "You'll like him, he's a great guy and not hard to look at, either."

"Oh." Helen's eyes went a little wide. "So… you two…"

"We two what?" Donna asked not catching Helen's drift.

Helen answered by wagging her eyebrows suggestively. 

"No!" Donna sputtered loudly as soon as she realized what Helen was insinuating. "Sam? Are you kidding? That would be like… I don't know… kissing my brother. Yeech."

"Why? You just said he's a great person and in your words, easy to look at?"

Donna was still grimacing at the thought. "He's Josh's best friend." Before she said it, she hadn't really realized how damning the explanation would be.

"Oh." Seeing an opening, Helen tried again. "So you and Josh have…"

"No, of course not." But Donna's denial was much less forceful then when it had been Sam. And in her tone could be found a thread of sadness.

Helen watched her curiously for a moment before folding her hands in her lap. They'd known each other less than a week, but Helen had felt an almost instant kinship with her. When they'd first met, despite Helen's bravado, she'd been a bit in awe of Donna. She knew who she was through reputation, mostly from news reports about Gaza and as Russell's confident spokesperson. Over the last few days, Donna had been like a mentor to her. She'd learned more about campaigning from her than she had in six years of being a Congressman's wife. She wanted to return the favor if she could, even if it was just to lend an ear to her new friend. 

"I realize it's none of my business, but I'm going to ask again. What's up with you and Josh?"

"What do you mean?" Donna tried to play dumb again.

"In San Diego, at the time, I thought it was quite obvious that Matt and I were having dinner with two people who were absolutely enamored with one another."

Donna stared at her a moment before laughing. A rather humorless laugh. "Yeah, I sort of let down my guard that night."

"Why do you need a guard?"

Donna didn't answer. She didn't know how to answer that question. Helen noticed how she twisted her hands together anxiously and stared out the window.

"Did you two… and it ended badly?"

"No… yes… well, no. We've never crossed the line into the romantic. But yes, it did sort of end badly."

"I don't understand. You weren't together, but it ended badly?"

"In a way, yes. Our working relationship ended badly. It wasn't good for the friendship."

Helen tried to look as if she understood, but she didn't. With sympathy she questioned, "Did Josh do something unforgivable?"

"No," Donna sighed deeply. "It wasn't like that. And we've worked all that out. The ending-badly stuff. Still, I just don't think it would ever work between us." A deep stabbing pain hit her right in the gut as she said it.

"Oh…" Helen was more surprised than she showed. "That's too bad. Seeing you two together, I think you're pretty great. You make a terrific team."

"We're not a team."

"What are you talking about? I might have read the… other thing… wrong, but I know a team when I see one."

"You've seen wrong. Team implies… I don't know, being on the same playing field maybe."

"You're not on the same playing field?" 

No… it's like, he's the quarterback… and I'm the…"

"Wide receiver? Running back?” Helen asked, trying to be helpful with the lame football metaphor. 

"No… that would be the same playing field. If he's the quarterback then I'm the… I don't know… cheerleader. It's always been that way. He does good. He leads and I stand on the sidelines and cheer him on."

Helen wrinkled up her nose at that. "After working with you this week, I'm having a lot of trouble believing that."

"It's true," Donna said sadly, thinking of how many years, even now, she’d spent idolizing him.

"Donna, I suspect that even when you were his assistant, you did a lot more than just cheer him on. Not that there's anything wrong with cheerleaders. I was one, you know. Damn hard work." Helen said it with a laugh, but she kept her eyes trained on Donna. 

"Maybe, but that's not the point."

"Then what's the point?"

"I have a problem with hero worship." Donna blurted it out, before she realized what she was saying. Her eyes went wide; she certainly hadn't meant to divulge that to Helen… ever.

Helen stared at her with a furrowed brow. "What do you mean, you have a problem with hero worship?"

She hadn't ever talked about it… with anyone. Except CJ. And that was pretty much CJ just implying she had a problem. "I… uh… I can't believe I just said that."

Helen laughed kindly at Donna's obvious fluster. "It's the face, remember?"

"Right." 

"So… hero worship?"

"Yes…" Donna's voice was a little shaky. Why on earth was she talking about this? It was humiliating. 

"Hero worship… so is that like the cheerleader who worships the quarterback?" Helen struggled to understand, using Donna's own analogy.

"Or like how the lost 25-year-old girl worships the larger than life hero who took a chance and hired her. And who was so dynamic and good at what he did that he left her feeling awestruck almost every minute of every day through the eight years she worked for him."

"The 25-year-old girl is you," Helen stated.

"Eight and a half years ago."

"And Josh is the hero who leaves you awestruck."

"Yeah," Donna answered softly, looking unseeingly out the window again. "How's that for pathetic? So we could never… how could we ever have a relationship? You can't have a relationship with someone you idolize." 

"True."

Donna didn't take her eyes off of the moving landscape, but her stomach churned when she heard Helen agree. "Yeah."

"Because if you have a disagreement, he always wins," Helen stated matter-of-factly.

Donna turned back towards her. "No, of course not, he rarely wins."

"Oh, but you let him walk all over you. He has all the power in the relationship."

"No… I mean, there have been times over the years when I let him get away with more than I should have, but…"

"But you'd be subservient to him because you idolize him. You'd be afraid to speak your mind, give him your opinions… that type of thing. You'd always just agree with whatever he says. Never fight for your point of view or disagree with him."

"It's never been like that. Even…"

"Even?" Helen prodded when Donna trailed off.

She cleared her throat. "Even in the beginning. I always told him exactly what I thought."

"But you'd never tell him that you thought he was wrong…"

"I tell him that all the time."

Helen hadn't stopped. "…or take him down a peg or two if he gets a little too big for his britches."

"I can deflate his ego with a look."

"But you don't see his flaws… of which there are many, by the way," Helen challenged, looking her squarely in the eye. 

"I can recite them alphabetically," Donna answered indignantly. 

Helen studied her for a moment with a smile before continuing. "Can I be completely honest with you?"

"Of course."

"I don't think you have a hero worship problem."

"You don't?"

"No, I think you have a being-in-love-with-Josh problem."

"But I…" Donna opened her mouth to say more, but the sound died in her throat.

Helen left Donna alone with her thoughts for a minute before speaking. "I adore my husband, Donna. I think he's the most amazing man on the planet. Surely there is no one smarter or braver or more handsome, but I still won't pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, his stubbornness drives me crazy… and it doesn't stop me from being incredibly annoyed when he does something that's going to turn our lives upside down… like run for President."

Donna just stared at Helen as her words sunk in.

"Something like that sound familiar?" 

"But this goes all the way back; I… I've had this problem since I first met him,” Donna answered, sounding a bit shell-shocked. Could this be right?

"I don't doubt that." Helen smiled kindly and not a little sadly at her.

"So you think I've been… in love with Josh since the beginning?" Donna's heart was thudding against her chest.

"Only you can answer that." Helen waited a moment before continuing. She knew she was really sticking her nose where it didn't belong. But she couldn’t help it; she was a meddler and Donna clearly needed it. "If it makes you feel better, Josh probably has a bit of his own hero worship going on. In fact, during the short moments I've spend with you both, I've seen it in the way he looks at you; he probably just doesn’t call it that."

Thunderstruck, Donna slumped back against the seat as her mind began to churn. 

Thinking of the hero worship as a symptom of being in love with him, rather than as an emotional roadblock to allowing him entry into her life, was a revelation. But it meant admitting that she'd been in love with him for the length of their relationship. That was unsettling and thought-provoking and undeniably appealing. The way she idolized him—or thought she idolized him-- had been such a staple of their relationship that she'd never examined it objectively before. But as she pondered Helen's words, the clearer it became.

He'd been her best friend, her boss, her mentor, her strength and her weakness. She felt a tingling rush all over. The truth of it wasn't shocking and it wasn't new, but it was the first time she'd been completely, one hundred percent honest about it, without minimizing or belittling her feelings in some way. She could no longer call it a crush, or pretend that it would eventually go away if she ignored it. After all, if it had survived the last eight and a half tumultuous years, it was probably indestructible.

She was in love with Josh. What in the hell was she going to do now?


	15. Chapter 13

For the next few hours, raw electricity ran through her veins and every nerve felt as if it were a charged, jangling live wire. What to do?

That was just it. Donna didn't know what to do. The revelation that she was in love with Josh had left her shaken… and elated…and scared. Of course, she knew she loved Josh. She knew she cared about him. She knew he was special. But being _in_ love with him? That wasn't some passive thing that you could do nothing about. No, that was an active emotion. It required two people. It required action. 

Her heart spun and her mind whirled at the thought of actually taking action. She was so used to denying, ignoring, and misdirecting her feelings for Josh, it was heady stuff to contemplate confronting this thing. Eight and a half years, that was a really long time to take no action, especially about something so important. What if their window of opportunity had simply past? What if after eight years, she'd waited 24 hours too long?

A memory rushed back to her. Of a time when she thought she was going to die. They were prepping her for surgery, and the only thing on her mind was seeing Josh. Before she would let them intubate her, before she would let them administer the anesthesia, she made Colonel Leahy promise that he would go get Josh while she was still lucid. In that moment it was the most important thing in the world-- seeing Josh one more time before she died. 

That led to thinking of the hours she'd spent in a waiting room at G.W., on a night that felt like a million years ago. That time, she'd been so afraid that he was the one going to die. How would she have gone on without him? 

She wanted to shake herself like some sort of insipid Raggedy Ann doll. God, she was stupid. Or at least, she had been stupid. It was so obvious now. It had been there all along, but she finally couldn't deny it any longer. Unfortunately, now she didn't know what she should do about it. After all, she'd all but kicked him out of her life last night. 

And the fact was that she still had a lot to work through. Trauma therapy was going to be a part of her life, for at least the next few months. However, for the first time in over a year, it felt as if she'd cleared the hump. 

She also felt undeniably alive, and she hadn't felt that way in a really long time. It felt good. It felt like something she shouldn't take for granted.

***

Excitement buzzed all around the young Santos/McGarry campaign. Today was a big day and Josh needed to focus. He couldn’t be wandering around, heartsick, because Donna was angry with him. The worst part was that Josh knew he deserved her anger. He never should have interfered to the extent he had. 

He just didn't have time to think about it this afternoon. Both Santos and McGarry would be present at the rally, as well as a delegation from the White House, including, of course, the President and Dr. Bartlet. The afternoon rally and evening fundraiser were by far the biggest events the campaign had yet produced. They were crucial; everything had to be firing on all cylinders, including him.

But even though his mind was in the game, his heart retained a small ache. So, while he dutifully went about the business of the campaign, the ache kept him company and reminded him that all was not right in his world.

The morning had gone smoothly, of course he hadn't seen Donna and he wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing when it came to his focus… and the ache. He couldn't stand it if the ache was to get worse, and he was afraid if he saw her it just might. So that put him in a perpetual state of nervous anticipation. Anticipation for the rally, because he knew failing all else, he'd see her there. Everyone was going to be at the rally.

When he arrived at the staging area of the stadium, he immediately saw that the Leo contingent was already there. Forgetting his ache and the cause of it for a brief moment, he found Sam and quickly made his way over to him a huge grin gracing his face. 

"Sam!" 

Sam looked up and returned Josh's grin upon seeing him approach. After a quick hug they immediately got down to business. 

"He's nervous."

"I know."

"I never thought I'd live to see Leo McGarry nervous."

"He's going to be okay?" Josh meant it as a statement, but it didn't come out that way.

"Yeah… he's going to be just fine. He's Leo. But I think the last five days have been an eye-opener for him."

"Being the candidate, instead of the guy he counts on? That's why I wanted you with him. No one knows how to make the transition better than you."

Sam smiled self-deprecatingly and shook his head. "Let's hope he makes it more successfully than I did."

Josh didn't really answer; he was too busy glancing around the staging area, searching it with his eyes. He'd remembered the ache, and the nervous anticipation was back. Sam watched him for a moment before commenting.

"Who are you looking for?"

Craning his neck to peer behind him, Josh answered with a distracted, "Leo's Leo, he'll be fine."

Sam again stared at him quizzically before smirking, "And then I told Mallory that I thought Leo should dye his hair pink… she didn't think that was a great idea, she thought orange. But don't you think pink seems more Vice-Presidential?"

"Sure." 

"Josh!" Sam said rather loudly. 

"Huh?" Josh finally turned his attention back to him.

"We haven't had a chance to talk face-to-face for ages – thanks for paying attention to at least the first thirty seconds of our conversation."

"Oh, sorry, I was just, uh… looking …" Just then he spotted Donna walk in with a group of Santos staffers. His heart skipped a beat as he was overwhelmed by two simultaneous, conflicting reactions. The part of him that was constantly worried about her… that part visibly relaxed. She was safe, and looking… very well, in fact. She looked like an entirely new person, compared with how he'd left her the previous evening. She had obviously gotten some much-needed rest… actually, she looked radiant. 

But another part of him, the part with the ache, which was still very aware of not having seen her since the fight, tensed nervously. This part of him had no idea what kind of reaction to expect from her today. And no idea what to say to make it better.

"Who were you looking for?" Sam glanced around and the room and then brightened when he saw where Josh's eyes were trained. "Oh, there's Donna."

Before Josh knew what was happening, Sam was waving and beckoning her over with a shout. "Donna!" 

Donna finished giving some sort of instruction to the staffer standing next to her, and when she looked towards the person calling her name, broke into a bright grin. Sam was the cause of her genuine smile. The guy standing next to him was the cause of her suddenly-thudding heart and slight dizziness. 

Emotionally steeling herself, she took a deep steadying breath before moving towards them. She could do this. It was just Sam… and Josh.

"Sam!" Donna shifted the folders in her arms so that she could wave as she made her way over. She forced her feet to move. She did want to see Sam. But Josh's presence was making her feel like a 16-year-old who was waiting for him to ask her to the Prom. She was in love with him, but she also knew she had to make things right. Unfortunately, she had no idea where to begin with either, or if a new beginning was even possible at this point. Was he mad at her for the way she'd treated him? After all, it could be assumed that at some point, he wasn't going to put up with her anymore. What if last night was that point?

Sam wrapped her in a warm, friendly hug, and for a moment, Donna almost forgot her troubles with Josh. 

"How are you? Oh, should I not hug you too tight?" Sam asked with a bit of apprehension as he loosened his grip.

"Oh, Sam, it's been over a year, I'm fine." She smiled at his sweet concern.

"Hi." Donna heard Josh's soft greeting as she was pulling away from Sam.

"Hi," she returned just as softly, finding herself reticent to meet his eye.

"How-"

Afraid that he was going to ask in front of Sam how she was doing, Donna snapped her eyes up to his and with a warning look, stopped his question before he'd uttered a second word. Josh felt the ache in his chest deepen. She was clearly still mad at him.

"Wow, you really look great, Donna!" Sam exclaimed, not appearing to notice any awkwardness between the two. "Josh was just looking for you." 

"No… what… I wasn't." Josh's eyes went wide as he shook his head quickly and tried to defend himself.

"Well then, what had you so distracted? I told you I wanted to dye Leo's hair pink and you agreed!"

"Uh… but… I… was…" Josh stuttered incompetently. 

Donna couldn't help it; despite her discomfiture, the corner of her lips tugged upwards. "Pink, you say. Definitely do it before you guys go on Oprah Wednesday."

"Great job on setting that up so quickly, by the way," Sam enthused. "They're bumping a show on Oprah's things or favorites or something for us."

"Oprah's favorite things?" Donna nodded conspiratorially and joked, "Good thing the studio audience won't know that." 

"Why?" Sam sounded suddenly nervous.

Donna fixed her stare on Sam. "What do you mean, ‘why’?" she asked carefully.

"Because I think it's in the press release."

Donna's hand flew to her mouth in horror. "Press release! Has it already gone out, or can you stop it?"

Sam looked startled, but still unsure of what the problem was. "Yeah… I think I'm supposed to approve it before it goes out. Why?" 

"Good. Lose the part about which show they bumped for Leo. You don't want anyone in the studio audience to find out what show they were supposed to be getting! They'll be… well, let’s just say that they’ll be much less receptive and sympathetic to Leo."

"Why?" Sam asked with confusion.

"Because on the 'Favorite Things' show, the studio audience gets thousands of dollars worth of free… favorite things!"

Josh turned to stare at Sam. 

"We probably shouldn't brag about that in the press release," Sam said firmly.

"No." Donna shook her head.

"You want to look at the release before it goes out?" Sam asked Donna tentatively.

"Yes…" Donna answered quickly and then added, "If you don't mind."

"I don't mind. I would prefer it. Let me just… uh… make a call." Sam stepped several feet away and began hurriedly dialing his cell phone, suddenly wanting desperately to make sure he was in time to stop the press release.

The Oprah discussion had momentarily distracted both Josh and Donna from their personal issues. But now they found themselves standing face-to-face. Alone. Well, not really alone. Campaign staffers, as well as a swarm of facilities personnel and Secret Service agents, continued to bustle around them. 

"So…" Josh struggled for something to say. "That was… uh… a good catch. How do you know so much about Oprah? Isn't her show on during working hours?"

"Yeah, see, I used to watch in your office while you were at meetings."

"Ahhh... right." Josh nodded once and couldn't suppress a small laugh.

"I always brought something into your office to work on!" Donna defended unnecessarily.

"Okay." Josh watched her for a second. As the silence grew, she fidgeted and started glancing uneasily around the room, looking for an escape. The truth was that there were a thousand excuses she could have used, but she really didn't want to escape. But she also had no idea what to say to him. 'I love you' seemed out of the question at the current moment. For some reason, 'I'm sorry' seemed almost equally as hard.

After searching his mind for something to say, Josh finally landed on a safe topic. "How was Helen's morning?"

Donna whipped her head back to look at him, surprised that he was making small talk. For the last few days he had been the one to confront the issues between them. "Good… she's getting really good. She's not going to need me to hold her hand much longer."

"Yeah." Josh gave her a half-smile. "You've done a really great job with her. She's been a real asset on this trip. Thank you."

Donna started to shake her head and protest that it was all Helen.

"Take the compliment," he interrupted her.

"Okay." She smiled shyly and met his eye. Her heart fluttered at the proud look she found there, and she blushed ever-so-slightly.

He took the opening. "How did you sleep last night?"

Donna felt her heart squeeze into a ball. This was it. She should tell him… something. That she was sorry she'd been so mad. That she knew he had her best interests at heart. That she had been exhausted. That none of what they fought about yesterday mattered. 

"About that-" 

But before she could get another word out, a buzz rippled through the crowd in the stadium’s large corridor. The President of the United States had arrived, and the largest political rally that any of them had ever been a part of was about to start. 

It was game time.

***

With the whirl of the rally and the following events, Donna didn't have another chance for a moment with Josh. And she badly wanted one. She wanted to talk. She wanted to talk to him about how successful the rally was. Celebrities, local politicians, and a significant Congressional delegation from California had all been in attendance, as well as a huge crowd of supporters that filled the stadium. A stadium! The President and Congressman's passionate speeches had been carried live on CNN and MSNBC, and even the bastards at Fox hadn't ignored it completely. It had been thrilling for Donna to be near the stage during such electric speeches, to such a large audience. While working for Russell, she'd experienced nothing like it. She felt a pang of remorse for working so long and hard for a man who was so obviously unworthy. But pragmatically, she knew that she wouldn’t be standing where she was, partly responsible for the success of this event, if she hadn't done it. She wanted to tell Josh how worthy Santos was and how proud she was to be working for the campaign.

There were other things she wanted to say to Josh as well. She wanted to find him and gush that Robin Williams was going to introduce the Congressman at tonight's fundraiser. She'd been working with Bram for a week trying to secure the comedian, and they'd just gotten word half an hour ago that his scheduled had cleared; he was in town and would love to do it. She was floored; the fact that it was going to actually happen after all that work was exhilarating. She was flying. It was also a bit nerve-wracking, because with a comedian like that, you had no idea what he might say. The Congressman needed to be warned about how to react. She wanted to talk about that with someone. No. Not with someone. With Josh.

She also wanted to gossip about the fact that both CJ and Toby had made the trip. The fact made her nervous… and the fact that she was nervous about it made her sad. They'd all been so close once. 

But mostly she wanted to clear the air, so they could talk about all the other stuff. She felt a pang when, after the rally, she'd seen Helen stealing a few minutes with the Congressman, furtively whispering about something or other with him. She wanted it to be like that with her and Josh.

It really was too bad that an epiphany of this magnitude had to come on the busiest day of the loop. The collision of everything was winding her tight. Jumping clean out of her skin didn't seem to be an impossible scenario at the moment.

***

Donna was staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror when she was startled by a knock at the door of her hotel room. It could only be one person. All the other staffers had broken from the suite/war room over fifteen minutes ago in order to get dressed for the fundraiser. 

A second knock broke her out of her thoughts. Quickly, she used the bobby pin she'd been holding to haphazardly secure a section of hair to the top of her head, and walked out of the bathroom.

"Who's there?" Donna's heart raced as she called through the door.

"Josh." Yup. She was right. "I… uh… need some help."

"With what?"

"Can you just open the door?"

She stared at where she pictured he would be standing on the other side of the door. Taking a deep breath, she assessed the situation. Maybe she should start by answering his question? Could she open the door? Probably not; she looked ridiculous with one side of her hair pulled up and one side still hanging limply down around her shoulders. She would tell him to go away. But a second later she heard herself say, "Hang on."

How ironic that she'd yearned to talk to him all afternoon, and now that he was standing on the other side of the door, she was struggling for what to say.

In a minor panic, she glanced down. Her hair was only half her problem. She already had her gown on, and she knew she didn't want him to see it. Not yet, anyway. Usually she wouldn't have put it on until after her hair and make up were fully done, but she'd needed help zipping it. So she'd asked Jerome to help her before he'd left the war room to go get ready himself. But that meant putting it on a bit earlier than expected. So there she stood-- dress on, hair lopsided and sans make-up. It was suddenly quite important to her that he not experience only the half-effect. And for the first time in the last eight years, she could admit to herself why. 

Walking quickly to the closet, she grabbed a hotel robe and slipped it over the dress. Tying it snugly around her, she made her way back to the door. Biting her lip, she opened it a couple inches and peered through the crack. "What do you need?"

Josh laughed a bit self-consciously. "I need for you to open the door a little wider."

"Why?" 

Josh took the black strip of fabric that he'd been fingering and waved it in front of the crack of the door. "Because I don't think you can help me with this unless we're, you know, standing in the same room."

"What is that?"

"What do you think it is?"

"Your tie?"

"Yes."

"Why are you waving your tie at me?"

"Donna…"

"You've been tying your own bowties for months." Josh felt a jolt of optimism at the slight pout he heard in her voice, as if she were upset that he'd been tying them without her. 

He replied softly, "You do it better."

"I know."

"So… help a guy out? It's for the good of the campaign. Nobody is going to take us seriously if the Campaign Manager has a sloppy bowtie."

"For the good of the campaign?" She paused a second before stepping back so she could open the door to her room. Studiously avoiding his eyes, she took a step forward and reached for the tie. What was wrong with her? All she'd wanted all afternoon was a moment alone with him to talk, and now that she had it, she's lost her tongue and apparently her courage.

At least she had the excuse of needing to keep her sight trained on the task at hand. Deftly, she slipped the fabric around his neck and flipped his collar down.

Josh felt his breath slip away at her proximity. The way her hands fluttered at his neck left tingling jolts of electricity every time she brushed against his neck. He watched her face as she worked, but didn't say anything. Instead, he just enjoyed the simple intimacy. He hadn't really realized how much he'd missed this.

When she was finally done, she straightened the tie and smoothed down the lines of his tuxedo jacket. She stepped back and surveyed her handiwork. She felt her stomach flutter at how handsome he looked. Josh in a tuxedo had always made her a little weak in the knees. Through the years, she'd sometimes been amazed at the way she would always manage to stand right in front of him and tie his tie, despite the effect he had on her at such moments.

"There. You look nice all dressed up."

"You, too." Josh's voice was barely above a whisper.

After a good-natured snort, Donna finally met his eye with a smirk. "Do I? In a bathrobe, with lopsided hair and no make-up."

"You look good with the lopsided hair. I think you could create a new sensation with that look," he teased as he let his eyes run down the length of her. When he got to the hem of the robe he noticed the brilliant red fabric that fell the extra foot or so to the floor. "Are you wearing a dress under that robe?"

Donna tried to look as if there was nothing odd about that. "Possibly."

"Why?"

"Because I'm wearing a dress, and not a robe, for the black-tie portion of the black-tie event this evening."

"I know… I mean, why are you wearing a robe… over your dress?"

"Because it's bad luck?" Donna blurted without thinking.

"What's bad luck?"

"In… uh… politics, it's bad luck for anyone to see the dress before the… party."

"That's a thing?"

"Yes, of course," she answered with false certainty.

"In the past, you never hid your dresses before a party."

"And in the past there's been some bad luck… remember… the uh… translator who translated the wrong language, Canadian citizenship issues, ex-Presidents dying, lockdowns…" Donna's voice faltered slightly on that one, but she cleared her throat and quickly continued, "So I'm not taking any chances tonight. Better to just wear a robe and be safe, than to cause an international incident and be sorry. I'm doing it for my country." What in the hell was she talking about?

"Are you sure you just haven't been a bridesmaid one too many times? I told you, you should have drawn the line at second cousins." This was okay. This was like old times. Maybe she'd forgiven him, even if she was acting a bit… skittish. Or maybe she figured that since she'd put an end to everything the night before, she could joke with him again. He sure hoped it was the first option. 

Donna stepped back towards her own room and tried to look reproving. She pointed to the door to the hall. "You're ready. Go. In five minutes you're supposed to meet Terry Sandoval from the PTC lobby. We promised him ten minutes with you." 

"I know." He turned toward the door and was halfway to the exit when he turned back. "I'll see you down there?"

"Yeah." Donna gave him a small smile. "I'll see you down there."

*** 

The fundraiser started on the right note. Robin Williams actually showed up early and had the entire pre-event staff in stitches. He was in fine form, greeting guests as they arrived, heckling them in what amounted to personalized stand-up as they entered the ballroom. So potential contributors were tickled and entirely charmed by the time they'd stepped into the ballroom. Drinks flowed. Checks started to pour in even before dinner and the speeches. Endorsements were promised. It was sure to be the single most lucrative night of campaigning that Josh had ever experienced. The mood of the campaign and the room was nearly euphoric.

And Josh was almost happy. If he'd felt certain that all was right between him and Donna, he would have been right up there at euphoria. Things had gone well during the tie-tying; he knew she couldn’t resist him when he was helpless and wearing a monkey suit. But a few nice moments before the fundraiser hadn't erased the words she'd spoken last night. 'I don't think we should go there… I don’t think I can go there.' No matter what, he had to respect her feelings. But at least the ice had been broken.

But any near-euphoria he might have felt over the early success of the fundraiser paled in comparison with what he experienced the moment she entered the room. He didn't even notice whom she walked in with—Bram and Jerome— because he was utterly mesmerized. There was no other word for it, she was a vision. Her dress was the vibrant red he remembered peeking from below the hem of her robe, but that small taste hadn't done it justice. The color perfectly complimented her self-proclaimed alabaster skin and made it glow. Two thin straps held the fluttering fabric to her subtle curves as the red cascaded all the way to the floor. Her leg—her uninjured leg he noted—peaked out tantalizingly from a slit on the left side of the dress. Except for a few tendrils that framed her face, her hair was swept up and back. She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. 

Donna had worried most of the day that it might be too late. If she could have seen his face at that moment, it would have put her mind at rest. 

"Close your mouth."

"Huh?" Josh was startled to find the Congressman standing next to him.

"I said, close your mouth, you're going to drool on your tuxedo."

"What? I'm not… huh?" Josh stumbled again as he tried, unsuccessfully, to pull his gaze away from Donna.

Santos studied him for several moments before speaking. "You know, Josh, I still don't care who you're sleeping with." 

"I'm not sleeping with her!" Josh defended instantly and a bit too loudly.

"Trust me, I didn't think you were." Matt smirked. "I'm just saying, if both of you working for the campaign… is the thing that's holding you back, don't let it."

"I uh…" Josh finally tore his gaze from Donna to look at the Congressman. "Thanks." He glanced back to where Donna was now hobnobbing with some of the guests, a warm smile gracing her features as she worked the crowd. "She really looks… great tonight, doesn’t she?"

"Oh, she's definitely hot."

Josh whipped around to face the Congressman, an indignant frown marring his face.

"You asked," Matt defended with a laugh. "And glaring at the candidate, Josh? I don't think they teach you that in Campaign Manager 101."

Josh ignored the Congressman's attempt at a joke. "We should get you back to meet the guy introducing you."

"She really got him?" Santos asked with open admiration.

"She really did. She and Bram." Josh's voice was full of pride, but then he took a serious tone. "And when, not if, when he makes off-color jokes that are too off-color, or barbs about Vinick that are too pointed… but that are funny… smile and nod. You're enjoying it, but you're not condoning it. Got it?"

"Enjoying, but not condoning? It's possible to do that?" Matt asked incredulously.

"Yes, and it is your mission."

"And if he says something funny that only offends people who are never going to vote for me in the first place, I can laugh then?"

Josh just sent him another pointed look. "No."

Santos smiled. "Funny, that's almost the exact lecture my wife gave me 20 minutes ago when we were getting dressed. She said it came from Donna."

"Well… I taught her everything she knows,” Josh replied. He would have come off sounding horrifically arrogant if it weren't for the unmistakable pride in his voice. 

"I knew you were humming that day," Santos said as he plastered on a smile and they started across the room, greeting people as they moved.

"Huh?" Josh asked with confusion.

"Never mind," the Congressman smiled as he stopped to pose for a photo with an excited contributor.

****

Sam stood at the bar in the ballroom that had played host to the incredibly successful fundraiser. He was impressed; so far it had been a top-notch event. The sort of event that made him a little sad about being in the game for only a few short weeks, he'd have to think about that. While he was waiting for a refill on his drink, he felt someone come up behind him.

"Toby!" He greeted happily as he turned back to the bartender. "We'll also need a scotch on the rocks." 

"So how's it going?" Sam asked when he had finished ordering Toby’s drink.

"It's going," Toby said with no trace of good humor in his voice.

Sam cringed inwardly at Toby's demeanor and turned back to the bartender. "Make that one a double."

As Sam handed Toby his drink, he saw a grinning Josh approaching from the other side.

"Josh!" Sam turned back to the bar to procure him a drink and when he moved, Josh saw Toby on his other side. Immediately, he began to slow his approach, grin frozen in place. 

Josh wouldn’t have admitted to avoiding Toby all night, but that's exactly what he'd been doing. It had been easy and excusable. Josh had been extremely busy; it was a very crowded affair and there were many people that needed his attention. Steeling himself for what would surely be an awkward meeting, Josh came to a stop as Sam handed him a fresh drink.

"Toby,” Josh greeted as casually as he could.

"Josh."

Silence fell over the three men. Sam finally tried to cover by declaring enthusiastically, "Great event!" 

"Yeah, I'm really pleased." Josh answered and searched for something to say to Toby that wouldn't be provoking. "So… are you enjoying tonight?"

Toby turned a sardonic glare on him. "Ever stood in a station, watching a train leave that you thought you were supposed to be on? And as it passed, everyone's out on the back rail waving and having a party without you? Being here feels a little like that."

After a long pause, Josh asked quietly, "Are things that bad at the White House?" 

"Worse…"

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No." Toby expression was now inscrutable. 

"I know with the leak things-"

"I can't talk about it," Toby interrupted gruffly.

"Right."

Sam looked nervously between the two of them. He had years of experience soothing Toby's ruffled feathers, but he could tell that this rift was probably beyond that point. Perhaps a change of subject. "Ever wonder how Republican fundra-"

"Listen, I'm sorry," Josh interrupted. He was sick of the tension with Toby. And as far as he was concerned, Santos’ winning the nomination had vindicated everything he'd done. He'd won. Therefore, he could be the bigger man if need be. "I'm sorry I didn't confide what I was doing. I'm sorry I didn't ask you to come with me. I'm sorry that you feel I abandoned the administration. But I’m not sorry I left. I did the right thing. This, right here, right now… is what I should be doing-"

"I know." Toby quietly interrupted Josh's tirade just as it was picking up steam.

"And furthermore… what?" Josh stopped and stared at him.

Toby cleared his throat and mumbled, "This is what you should be doing."

"I… uh… damn straight." Josh looked confused, as Toby had knocked the wind out of his sails by agreeing. He looked at him suspiciously. "You acknowledge that I was right to leave?"

"Yeah."

"Then… why the hell are you still pissed at me?"

"You threw a thousand-page document at me." Toby raised his voice to match Josh's more intense tone. 

Sam shushed them both and tried to appear nonchalant in front of fellow partygoers.

Josh sighed and scrubbed one hand roughly though his hair. "Oh… yeah… well, I'm also sorry I threw the health plan at you."

Toby glared at him a minute before shrugging and swirling his bourbon. "I'm… you know, too."

Figuring that was all he was going to get out of Toby, Josh bobbed his head up and down twice. He was Toby, after all, and Josh could live with that. "Do you want to seal it with a…" Josh paused when he saw the newly sour look on Toby's face. "What?"

"If you say hug, so help me God, I will throw another punch."

"Who do you think I am, Sam?" Josh sounded disgusted.

"Hey!" Sam cried indignantly, but they both ignored him.

"I was going to say handshake."

"Oh… okay." Toby held out his hand tentatively and Josh took it with a smile. 

Sam piped up from beside them. "Now that that's settled, we should scope the room for chicks. There are some rich California--"

That elicited a chuckle from Josh and an almost-smile from Toby. Josh shook his head. "I'm supposed to be working."

"When has that ever stopped you? You meet all your women at work," Sam shrugged, but carefully studied his reaction.

Josh just shook his head, but his eyes found Donna across the room introducing Helen and Abbey to several VIP guests. 

"I'm in." Toby punctuated his remark by downing the rest of his drink and clunking the glass down on the bar, which managed to effectively draw Josh's attention away from Donna. Startled, both he and Sam turned sharply and stared at Toby in obvious question.

Toby shrugged. "I'm 50, about to be unemployed, under suspicion for treason and single. Though I can't figure out why that last one's true. So what's stopping me?"

"Nothing!" Sam announced triumphantly after recovering from Toby's unexpected speech. "There's nothing stopping any of us. We're all single, right, Josh?"

"Right," Josh echoed absent-mindedly. He was single. There was nothing stopping him. But his eyes drilled through Donna from across the room. Just then, she looked up and caught his gaze. They stared at one another, neither breaking contact, until the crush of guests obscured their views.

Shaking his head, he turned back to his old friends. "Guys, I'll catch up with you. I need to see a man about a check."

But by the time Josh had made his way across the still-crowded room, to where Donna had been standing, she was gone.


	16. Chapter 14

"I noticed your husband was trying hard not to laugh."

"Yes, I think he failed miserably with the whole ‘enjoying, but not condoning’ thing." Helen's voice contained amusement. "Was it damaging, Donna?"

Absentmindedly, Donna shook her head, but didn't look at Helen before replying, "Huh-uh."

Helen shot her a curious look before turning back to Dr. Bartlet. "I noticed the President didn't seem to hold back. It might be considered condoning to… enjoy the speaker to that extent."

"There are some upsides of being in the last year of the last job he'll ever hold."

"He can laugh at off-color jokes aimed at conservative evangelicals?"

"Exactly. Now you must come to tea next week if you're in town. I had no idea you'd never been to the White House," Abby said resolutely.

"That would be delightful." Helen tried to contain her glee. She was dying to see the mansion, but didn't want to appear to be too overeager to kick out the current inhabitants.

"Donna, you'll come too?" Dr. Bartlet tried to capture the younger woman's attention.

"Hmmm." Donna’s answer was even more distracted this time.

"Helen, I think we're boring her," the First Lady charged with an amused gleam in her eye.

"Actually, ma'am, I think there's something that's just more interesting across the room." Helen reached over and touched Donna's arm to get her attention.

"Pardon?" Donna turned back to the ladies and felt immediately chastened when she realized that she had been neglecting the conversation.

"We were just wondering what had you so captivated." Abby made no attempt to disguise her curious glances across the room and Donna instantly turned a shade of red to match her dress. She'd been caught. She wasn't sure what had come over her; she was usually able to concentrate on the matter at hand, no matter what the circumstances. But tonight wasn't usual, at least not for her. After a moment, the First Lady smiled. "Oh, I see Sam Seaborn. I must say hello to him. Helen, have you met Sam?"

"No, I haven't had that pleasure," Helen answered, trying not to laugh. After their conversation in the car that morning, she knew exactly what had Donna so captivated across the room.

"Donna, were you looking at Sam?" The First Lady cocked a teasing eyebrow at her.

"No… what? Of course not. I wasn't looking... anywhere in particular," Donna stuttered, hoping the First Lady would not hit upon the real cause of her distraction.

Abby surveyed her quizzically, but then shrugged. "Shall we all go over and say hello, then?"

Donna nodded her assent. If she had had access to a reflective surface, she would have been pleased to note that her blush had faded to a pale pink. As she followed Helen and Abby around the perimeter of the crowded ballroom, her legs felt a little wobbly and her stomach was all a flutter. She was going to see Josh. Finally! She just needed to ditch the ladies so she could tell him… well, everything that was on her mind. Though, she still wasn't sure what to say. Just announce that she was in love with him? At that thought, the flutter started to accelerate and turn circles. It felt like anticipation, elation and terror, all rolled into one and flying at top speeds around her stomach.

But when she reached the other side of the room, Josh was gone. Even though she'd had no idea what she was going to say to him, she felt the disappointment all the way down to her toes. Of course, she had no way of knowing that the reason he wasn’t there, was that he'd gone in search of her.

***

With a silly grin, he walked up behind her and put his hands over her eyes. "Guess who?"

She jumped and then spun around to face him. "Sam!" She exclaimed when he wrapped her in a quick but sloppy hug. "Where have you been all night? I can't believe I haven't seen you until now."

"I've been here." He gestured to the ballroom around them. "Where have _you_ been?"

"An attempted coup in Sudan, nothing to worry about."

"Right. And you were?"

"Upstairs on a conference call with Kate – I mean, the assistant NSA and some CIA analysts."

"Of course you were. CJ in charge!" Sam nodded his head once and smiled a little goofily at her.

She cocked an eyebrow at him. "Are you drunk?"

He shook his head in the negative, but answered, "Yes."

"Sam…" Rolling her eyes at him, her voice held a bit of a scold.

"It's a party. And I don't have to worry about fighting in Danfur."

"There wasn't actually fighting in Darfur." She made a point of pronouncing it correctly. "It's thought to be the Southern reb-"

Sam interrupted her with a drunken snort. She stopped and looked at him in question. He shook his head at her hazily. "All work and no play…"

"What?" CJ asked a bit defensively as she crossed her arms over the front of her gown.

"Do you have any fun anymore?" He surveyed her probingly, the fingers of one hand stroking his chin.

"I have fun," she replied a bit huffily, but not at all convincingly.

"Sure,” Sam agreed with one nod and a smile, and then promptly hiccupped.

"My job is important; I have important things to do. Did Leo have fun when he was Chief of Staff?"

"Sometimes, I think he did. He's sure having fun now." Sam nodded to a spot across the room where Leo was introducing his daughter to a group of high-powered types who appeared to be hanging on his every word. CJ just nodded after glancing over at Leo. He did look like he was having fun. Or at least more fun than she was.

"Did you even listen to the speeches?" Sam turned back to her in question. When she shook her head, he continued, "You missed Robin Williams? That's a crime! He did an impression of Mary Marsh that was hysterical… and disturbingly dead-on. I didn't realize how frighteningly masculine she was until tonight."

CJ nodded curtly and then fumbled self-consciously for an explanation. "When Leo was Chief of Staff he had more fun because he had…"

"What?" Sam turned back to study her.

"If Leo had fun from time to time, it's because he had a President who was his best friend and he had…"

"Yeah?"

"He had us," she finished with a bit of sadness, as she lamented the old days. "The President is not my best friend and I have… Toby."

"Yeah." Sam nodded a bit more soberly, before asking, "Where is Toby?"

"You're asking me? No fun-Claudia? I've been upstairs averting international crises, remember?"

"An almost-coup in the Sudan is an international crisis? Isn't civil unrest sort of their status quo-"

He stopped when he saw her glare. Unable to stand it a second later, she asked, "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you're upstairs hiding behind a non-crisis, because you're afraid..."

"What exactly am I afraid of?" CJ used her most intimidating Chief of Staff voice that she'd been honing the last year.

Even through the alcohol haze he saw the warning flash in CJ's eyes. He shrugged. "The fun."

"I'm afraid of the fun?"

"Yes."

"I'm not afraid of the fun. I would have fun watching Robin Williams do an impression of Mary Marsh."

"Of course you would," Sam agreed, patting her shoulder, his voice made slightly patronizing by the alcohol. 

CJ just humphed at him, but in truth his comments were hitting a little close to home. She'd been all business for so long, she wasn't sure she remembered what fun looked like. She decided to change the subject to someone who was more fun-stunted than she was. "So if you've been down here having fun, where's Toby?"

Sam stood on his tiptoes and started glancing around the room, which was beginning to thin. When he finally spotted Toby, he adopted a chagrined expression. "Okay, this might be my fault."

"What's your fault?" CJ asked, once again on guard.

"Earlier… see… that's why we needed you, so something like this wouldn't happen."

She smiled despite herself. "What happened earlier?" 

Sam steadied himself by placing his hand on the back of a chair. "Well, he made up with Josh, which was good…."

"That is good." CJ nodded once, but asked warily, "What was bad?"

"Well I tried to trick Josh by saying we should go trolling the party for chicks, he didn't take the bait, but…"

"But what?"

"Toby did."

"What do you mean, Toby did?"

"He took the bait."

"Which means?"

"Which means that we slammed our bourbons-"

"You don't drink bourbon, Sam."

"I know. I think it's why I'm a little drunk," he answered honestly. "So we finished the drinks, asked the First Lady, Mrs. Santos and Donna to excuse us… and we went to try our luck with the ladies."

CJ finally laughed right out loud. 

"And now look." Sam pointed to a corner table where Toby was sandwiched on both sides by a pair of women. 

"He found some women."

"He did."

She studied the scene across the room curiously. "Do you think he realizes neither one of them is a day under seventy?"

"I'm not sure." Sam crinkled his brow. "Do you want to go watch?"

CJ nodded once. "Oh yeah… that sounds like fun and I'm all about the fun."

***

Josh was antsy. He needed to find Donna. He needed to find her and tell her how amazing she looked tonight. How he was completely awestruck and he could barely concentrate on anything else, which was a shame because he'd been in an impromptu back room meeting with several California labor leaders and it was probably important that he concentrate. Thankfully, they wanted to do all the talking. He just needed to appear as if he were listening.

When he finally made his way back into the ballroom, it had noticeably thinned of guests. And thus, he could easily survey the room. His heart sank when his eye caught no hint of the vibrant red dress. There was no sign of Donna.

"Hey." He walked up behind Toby and Sam, who were standing near the same bar they'd been at earlier in the night. "Have you guys seen Donna?"

"A-ha!" Sam cried in triumphant accusation.

"What?" Josh crinkled his brow with confusion.

"You admit it!"

"I admit what?"

"Donna."

"What about her?" Josh asked carefully.

"You admit you're looking for her."

"Well, yes, I think that was implied when I asked if you had seen her."

"So you're not admitting anything?"

"Admitting anything about what?"

"I've been trying to get you to admit it all night." Sam shook his head glumly.

"You have? How?" Now Josh was amused. He was able to surmise that Sam must be suspicious –correctly suspicious – of his feelings for Donna. But he still had no idea what his friend was talking about.

Sam huffed, "I make up that whole ‘we're single guys, we-should-go-hit-on-chicks’ thing to try and get you to admit to your thing with Donna and not only does it not work, this guy takes me up on it." Sam jammed his thumb towards Toby.

Josh's eyebrows hit his hairline. "How did it go?"

"Not bad," Sam admitted.

"Who did you end up hitting on?" 

"That's not the point."

"Sam," Josh cajoled.

"Mallory," Toby answered for him.

Josh looked at Sam and stifled a laugh. "You've decided to hit on Mallory while you're traveling with her and her father for the next week and a half? Leo is going to-"

"Hey!" Sam defended. "At least she's not a snowbird."

"Hazel and Ruth were lovely ladies," Toby countered with as much dignity as he could muster.

Josh just darted his gaze between the two of them and then burst out laughing. It was good to be among friends again.

***

"Donna? Is that you?"

At the sound of the familiar voice, Donna looked up, said a few words into the phone that was pressed to her ear, and flipped it shut. "I was just seeing to an issue about tomorrow's rally in LA. Is it winding down?" Donna asked, glancing through the double doors that led to the ballroom. They were in a small side room that led to an outside hall.

"Yes. And I'm…" CJ had been about to say 'hiding.' But that didn't seem like the right word to use, after her talk with Sam. Instead she said, "…avoiding. The President is in there with the Congressman and Leo and the story-telling has begun. Even the First Lady shows no sign of stopping him."

"Then avoiding is a good move," Donna agreed with an anxious half-smile. She was anxious because while it was nice to see CJ, she really wanted to get back to the ballroom. So she could _not_ talk to Josh some more. What? At least she'd be in his vicinity. That upped the chances that she'd stop not-talking to him and tell him how she felt. 

CJ studied her for a moment. Then in an inquisitive tone, that demanded more of an answer than 'fine,' she asked, "How are you?" 

Donna wasn't taking the bait. "I'm good. You?"

"I'm good," CJ replied quickly, not wanting to think about the observations a drunken Sam had made. "But… uh… you seem a little on edge."

Donna crinkled her brow. Was she on edge? Probably, and she would be until she got a chance to talk to Josh. "Oh, it's just this trip. There's so much to do and Josh…"

"Josh is giving you problems?" CJ asked almost eagerly.

"No!" Donna's answer was immediate, but then her guard fell a little. She loved Josh. She could admit it. Maybe not to CJ… at least not until she'd admitted it to Josh, but she wasn't going to hide it, either. "Well a little, I suppose, but he's-"

"I knew it." CJ shook her head.

Donna swallowed hard, but an indomitable look flashed across her eyes. "You knew what?"

"I told Toby that it was a bad idea for you to go back in time and work for him."

"I'm not going back in time." Donna said each word carefully.

"Oh, of course. But I’m sure it's easy to fall into old patterns." 

"Actually, Josh has been great about the professional."

CJ gave her a small indulgent smile, an almost pitying look. "But I'm sure it's still stressful to be working for him again…"

Donna felt anger rise in her chest. It was different from the last time they'd talked about Josh. She wasn't that girl anymore. And she was also sick of hiding and of pretending nothing was wrong. Something had been wrong. And she knew it now, and she was going to get better. And she wasn't going to let CJ think that Josh was her problem. "Actually, I haven't been good lately. I've had some problems with… trauma. I have nightmares, CJ. Really bad dreams about Gaza, about blowing up… about other things."

CJ's eyes went wide. Even though she'd been fishing about Josh, she hadn't expected to get such a serious answer. It was surprising that Donna would be so honest. She and Donna hadn't really communicated on a truly personal level in… well, too long. CJ couldn't really remember the last time.

But Donna could.

CJ stuttered, "I'm so sorry, Donna… I didn't know."

"Nobody did."

"Maybe you should talk to somebody."

"I have…" She said softly, thinking of her meeting with Stanley, but also of her breakdown with Josh in the hotel room after their first kiss. She was beginning to think of it as a turning point.

"Is it not helping?" CJ asked curiously.

"It is helping, but talking to… people, is sort of a recent turn of events. I ignored it for a long time. I thought it would go away." Donna took a deep breath and fixed her gaze on CJ. "But it wouldn't. And maybe it won't until I confront all the things that I let fester… that I let bother me. Things that the trauma just made worse."

CJ didn't know what to say. She just stood staring at Donna, her mouth slightly agape, but with compassion in her eyes. 

"You're in some of my dreams," Donna said bluntly, not sure why she was pursuing this line of conversation. But something inside her wouldn't stop.

"I'm… what?"

"Do you remember the night we were locked in your office after the Correspondents’ Dinner?"

Donna could actually see a little apprehension creep into the eyes of the most powerful woman in the United States government. "I remember…" 

"Do you remember our conversation about my career and Josh?"

"I do." 

"We…" Donna swallowed very hard and cleared her voice before continuing. "We've never really talked about it."

"No, I guess we haven't… do we need to?"

Donna studied the other woman as she considered the question. Did she need to? All evidence pointed to yes. CJ had shown up mocking her in her nightmares. Her words had been the root of many of Donna's bouts of low self-confidence. Maybe talking about it with CJ would clear that away? Besides, she had things that she wanted to say, things she wanted to clear up.

She took a deep-breath; where to start? Donna wanted to tell her how much she respected her, and because of that, how it had crushed her when CJ was the one that shone a light on her deepest, darkest secret. She had felt humiliated after that night, like the weakest, stupidest, most naïve girl on the planet. But she wanted to defend herself and her choices as well. She wanted to tell CJ that if she had gone to work at a non-profit three years prior to that night, she would never be where she was today, a senior advisor to the Democratic nominee for President. That she didn't make some pathetic miscalculation by staying with him those years, because whatever else was true about the personal reasons she stayed, they were equally true for Josh.

"Donna?" CJ prodded her quietly, as she wrung her hands nervously.

Donna brought her focus back to CJ.

"You were going to… I'm in your dreams?" 

Donna was ready to spill her guts and expose her soul. But as she met the other woman's eye, she had a revelation. She realized that she didn't have anything she really wanted to say. It didn't matter. It didn't matter what CJ had thought or what she thought now. It was Donna's issue, had been her issue, and finally, in that moment, she felt free from it. Shaking her head, she replied confidently, "Yes, but it's not important."

CJ swallowed hard. "You sure?"

"Yes, you have much more important things to worry about than my love life."

"I do have important things to worry about. But that doesn't mean I don't care about the other stuff-" CJ stopped abruptly. "Your love life? I thought we were talking about your career and the nightmares?" 

"It's a mixed bag." Donna smiled genuinely at her. "We should keep in better touch. I know you're the busiest woman in the country and I'll be campaigning, but we should make time."

CJ sighed with something akin to relief before returning Donna's smile. "I'd like that; I've recently been told that I fear the fun, so I think I need to prove that's… not true."

Donna relaxed enough to laugh. "Fear the fun?"

CJ nodded as they started walking back towards the ballroom. "At first I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard, and then I realized that I don't know the last time I did something just because it was fun. Or to relax. Or just took time for myself. It might be impossible to schedule but I -"

CJ stopped talking when she realized that Donna had stopped walking once they stepped foot into the ballroom. 

It was fine that CJ stopped talking, because Donna was no longer able to process what she was saying. The ballroom had emptied out and most of the donors and guests had apparently gone. A curtain had been pulled across the cavernous room, the hotel staff was on one side cleaning, and the remaining smaller portion of the room was home to the remaining guests. It contained mostly Santos and McGarry staffers, as well as those traveling with the President. President Bartlet was at a table regaling Santos with tales of who knows what, but the Congressman appeared to be a willing audience. Bram, Jerome, Ned and several other Santos staffers sat at a table several feet away, probably hoping to eavesdrop. Helen was having coffee with Dr. Bartlet and Mallory. 

But the person who had stunted Donna's progress was standing near the side bar, between Sam and Toby. As always, he'd ruined her earlier handiwork by pulling open his tie, and it was dangling carelessly around his neck, the collar of his tux shirt tugged open at the neck. He looked dangerously handsome tonight. Dangerous, because of the effect it was having on her already-heightened emotional state. Her pulse started to race as her heart responded to the act of just looking at him. Finally, she knew without a doubt what she wanted, and she wasn't going to wait another second to get it.


	17. Chapter 15

CJ stopped talking when she realized that Donna had stopped walking once they stepped foot into the ballroom. 

It was fine that CJ stopped talking, because Donna was no longer able to process what she was saying. The ballroom had emptied out and most of the donors and guests had apparently gone. A curtain had been pulled across the cavernous room, the hotel staff was on one side cleaning, and the remaining smaller portion of the room was home to the remaining guests. It contained mostly Santos and McGarry staffers, as well as those traveling with the President. President Bartlet was at a table regaling Santos with tales of who knows what, but the Congressman appeared to be a willing audience. Bram, Jerome, Ned and several other Santos staffers sat at a table several feet away, probably hoping to eavesdrop. Helen was having coffee with Dr. Bartlet and Mallory. 

But the person who had stunted Donna's progress was standing near the side bar, between Sam and Toby. As always, he'd ruined her earlier handiwork by pulling open his tie, and it was dangling carelessly around his neck, the collar of his tux shirt tugged open at the neck. He looked dangerously handsome tonight. Dangerous, because of the effect it was having on her already-heightened emotional state. Her pulse started to race as her heart responded to the act of just looking at him. Finally, she knew without a doubt what she wanted, and she wasn't going to wait another second to get it.

***

CJ looked around the room, but it didn't take long to figure out where Donna's eyes were trained. "Huh, it seems like the boys were unsuccessful in trying to pick up women, doesn't it? Looks like not a one of them succeeded."

"We'll see." Donna whispered breathlessly without looking over at her. And then just as suddenly as she'd stopped walking, she started again. This time with single-minded determination.

Josh was telling Sam and Toby about another potential campaign 'loop'— they hadn't gotten the concept until he'd done Donna's matching finger motion— in Florida when he caught a shimmer of crimson out of the corner of his eye. He did a double take when he realized she was coming towards him and abruptly stopped his speech mid-sentence. Her direction was unmistakable as was the fact that her eyes were focused on him with laser like precision. The slinky red silk from her dress fluttered around her as the speed of her movement caused the fabric to mold itself around her and create an alluring form. 

He felt his stomach drop to his knees, as his heart started to pound in his chest. From her expression he couldn't tell if she was happy or sad or angry.

"Were you going to finish your thoughts about Miami-Dade?" Toby was talking to him, but he couldn’t respond. He couldn’t think. His entire being was focused on the woman headed straight at him. Toby looked to the man on Josh's other side, "Sam?"

But Sam didn't say anything either, his gaze had followed Josh's and finally when Toby realized neither was going to respond to him, he followed suit. 

They weren't the only ones; Donna's determined progress across the now-smaller room gained the notice of several pairs of eyes. Actually, it gained the notice of the entire room. The woman in red streaking by his table even caught the eye of the President and chatter throughout the room came to an abrupt stop. 

Donna was past thinking and she was past waiting and she was way past the anger that had gripped her the night before. All she knew was in the moment she saw him across the room she had to get to him right that second. No more waiting, no more excuses.

Stunned into silence, Josh's mind raced as she progressed towards him and as she got closer, the intense resolve in her eyes burned right through him. When she was just a step away from him, she stopped abruptly, but her momentum carried her into his arms. He caught her easily and her arms instantly snaked around his neck. 

And without any further hesitation, her lips found his in their second kiss.

It only took Josh a millisecond to respond to her lips on his. For as soon as they touched he forgot everything. Who he was, where he was, who was watching, everything but Donna and the fact she was kissing him. Her lips hungrily attacked him and in turn he couldn’t get enough. He tightened his arms around her, which had the effect of lifting her off the ground about an inch. 

His heart soared once it hit him what was happening. Donna was in his arms. Donna was kissing him. Their kiss was a magic balm healing his soul. The last remnants of the anger, the worry and the sadness that he'd experienced in equal parts over the last year evaporated from his consciousness. She was here, she was alive and she wanted him. He'd been so lost with out her, and even though the journey of the last week had been hard and fraught with ups and downs, it had only been one week. And right now, she was soft and beautiful and in his arms, kissing him senseless. Every minute that it took for them to get to this moment was worth it.

Donna was floating. Quite literally, since her feet weren't touching the ground. But the unabashed joy that was washing over her in waves probably helped keep her buoyed. Using the leverage of being slightly above him, she deepened the kiss. She could feel his chest rise and fall against her own as his strong arms anchored her firmly against him. Their lips and tongues continued to tangle in intoxicating rapture. She needed him. She needed to kiss him, touch him, be connected to him. Never in her life had she put so much meaning into a kiss. It was different than their first kiss on the pier in San Diego. That one had been sweet and slow and unexpected, at least in the beginning before she'd freaked out. This one was fiery and passionate and full of promise for the future, and she had no intention of cutting it short. 

However, even if they'd forgotten that they weren't alone, the rest of the room hadn't.

Sam and Toby both backed away as soon as Donna launched herself into Josh's arms. CJ came to stand between them. She looked absolutely stunned by what she was witnessing, Sam just looked inordinately pleased, as if it was himself being kissed witless by the woman of his dreams instead of Josh, and Toby appeared mildly annoyed, but then something resembling a smile tugged on the corners of his mouth and he turned around to see how the rest of the party was reacting.

A nervous titter sounded throughout the room as co-workers, friends and a world leader and his wife processed what they were witnessing. While much of the room stood stunned at the spectacle in front of them, after several long moments one person started clapping. The joyful sound might have come from the general direction of Helen Santos. A few seconds later, several more people joined in, until the entire room was awash in applause. Even Toby joined in, applauding for two people because they were kissing was probably a personal first for him. However, it wasn't the applause, but the cat calls-- that not-shockingly seemed to be coming from the table where Bram and Jerome were standing— that reminded the duo that they were not alone. 

Reluctantly, they slowly pulled away from one another and Josh set her back on the ground. When Donna looked out into the room, the applause and cat calls grew louder. Blushing hotly, she quickly turned her face into Josh's chest in order to regroup. What had she done? She'd just made out with Josh in front of the President of the United States! Josh glanced out at their audience, but was too breathless and to happy to really care who was looking back.

Donna composed herself quickly. And just as swiftly as she had launched herself at Josh, she took a step back, shot him a bashful, but happy grin, mumbled something about needing to see someone about the last stop on the loop and with a small, shy nod to their audience, took off back across the room the precise way she'd entered minutes earlier. 

Josh was still panting when Toby, CJ & Sam took several steps towards him. The rest of the room seemed to go back about its business as if an unanticipated and most public display of affection hadn't interrupted them at all.

"Wow." CJ said as she came to stand next to him.

"Donna just kissed you." Sam's eyes were wide, but so was his smile.

Josh just nodded, still looking a bit stunned.

CJ grabbed a napkin from a nearby table and handed it to Josh. "You've got a little…"

"A little?" Josh croaked. Apparently, kissing Donna had the ability to steal his voice.

"A little Donna on your face." Toby answered gruffly, but with a twinkle in his eye.

"Oh..." Josh wiped his mouth with the white cloth and then starred at the red lip stick that stood out vibrantly on the white cloth. Donna's lipstick, left there from all the Donna kissing.

Josh looked up at his three old friends. "Donna just kissed me." His voice was stronger now, but filled with wonder.

CJ nodded slowly while studying his reaction. "Yes, she did."

"In front of everyone."

"Yes."

"She's never done that before."

"That was your first kiss with Donna?" Sam lifted an eyebrow at him.

"Second, really. But the first time she… well… I was more the instigator… so that was the first time she kissed me, but-" Josh fumbled around clumsily as the other three exchanged smirks.

Toby interrupted him, "If that was your first… or second… or whatever, with Donna, what are you doing here, still talking to us?" 

That was an excellent question. Josh looked at each of his old friends in turn. All three of them stared back at him in question. Josh patted Toby on the back as a huge grin started to spread across his face and he raced off in the direction Donna had gone.

***

Donna sat on the end of her bed, overcome with conflicting emotions. She was flying high after the kiss, but mortification made her stomach churn. What had she done? She'd just thrown herself at Josh in front of everyone. She'd seen him standing there, looking devastatingly handsome, and her professionalism had flown clean out the window. What had happened to her lecture to Jerome about campaign romances and keeping a low profile? What she'd just done could probably not be construed, in any way, as keeping a low profile.

It had been a good kiss. Actually, it had been great. But just the fact that it had been the most amazing kiss she'd ever experienced, didn't make it appropriate. What if Josh was mad? She knew that Helen Santos seemed to be rooting for her and Josh, but that didn't mean her husband would condone a couple of his staffers engaging in a public round of liplock at his fundraiser. 

Taking a deep breath, she knew she had to face him. Apologize if need be. He might be back in his room by now. With trepidation and a little excitement, she opened the door from her room into the suite, only to find it vacant. Well, vacant except for the guy standing in the open door of his own hotel room. He was leaning against the door jam, almost nonchalantly. Instantly nervous, she stopped in her tracks. But nerves or no, she couldn't stop herself from smiling. He looked so adorable… of course he always looked adorable after a black tie event. It was one of the many things she found irresistible about him. They stood staring at one another across the room for a long moment. It was Josh who broke the silence. 

"You kissed me tonight." His dimples came out in full force.

Donna felt her face warm, she was sure her skin had, yet again, turned a bright pink. It didn't occur to her that the fact that she was flushed from happiness, and a little embarrassment; and not from crying, was something that would have been shocking to her just a mere 24 hours before. 

"I did."

"I mean really kissed me."

"Yes." 

"In front of the President of the United States, the First Lady, the future—knock on wood—President of the United States and First Lady, the-"

"I remember, I was there." She interrupted him and was about to launch into an apology for creating a spectacle in front of such an illustrious guest list, but the endearingly smug look on his face stopped her.

"I'm just saying a lot of people saw it. Important people. I have witnesses. Credible witnesses."

That took her by surprise and she met his gaze again. She watched as he pushed off the door jam and slowly started walking towards her. Her heart skipped a beat and she felt the warmth that moments ago had been in her cheeks, rise again, but this time it warmed her entire body. He'd lost his tux jacket, but his black tie was still lying open around his neck.

"Why would you need witnesses?" She asked breathlessly.

"In case you were going to pretend like it didn't happen… or something."

"Josh…" Her voice suddenly serious, Donna pushed off the wall and took several short steps to meet him.

"Yes?" The smugness was gone and the word came out laced with a thread of anxiety.

"I'm not going to pretend… not anymore, not…" She didn't finish the sentence and she wouldn't meet his eye. Out of sudden shyness or maybe recent habit when it came to confronting these types of issues, she kept her eyes trained on the ground. She swallowed hard and just before she was going to speak, Josh reached over and gently lifted her chin with two fingers. Now she was forced to stare into his eyes. The room was dark save from the light coming from their respective rooms, but she could read what was there just fine. Everything he was feeling was in full evidence and it gave her the courage to say what she needed to say.

"I kissed you." Well, it wasn't what she needed to say, but it was a start.

"I know. I'm beginning to think you might like me."

She blushed yet again. "I didn't mean to make such a spectacle."

"What spectacle?" he teased.

"The people, the clapping… the President."

"Nobody blames you, Donna. I look pretty hot tonight. You were like the fourth person who threw herself at me… not counting Bram."

She tried to swat his shoulder playfully, but he caught her wrist and gently tugged her closer to him. His intent was unmistakable; Josh was going to kiss her. Time suspended for Donna, as he slowly closed the distance between them. His left hand slid down from where he was holding her wrist until their fingers were intertwined and his right hand sought her free hand and clasped it tightly. Gently, he teased his nose against hers and nuzzled her cheek. She found herself breathing in his scent. A scent that was so familiar, so unmistakably Josh, that it thrilled her and made her homesick at the same time. How had she spent 10 minutes away from him, let alone all those months? When she felt his warm breath tickle her skin as his mouth just barely grazed hers, she thought the anticipation was going to cause her racing heart to beat out of her chest. Finally, he exerted the barest pressure forward and his lips met hers. 

Their third kiss was soft and chaste. And wonderful.

His mouth moved against hers slowly, almost reverently. Josh had no intention of overwhelming her, but the thing foremost on his mind since she'd left him standing in the ballroom after the mind-blowing kiss, was that he really wanted, or maybe needed, to do it again. He lightly squeezed their clasped hands, and his thumbs traced small circles along hers; their hands, and of course lips, were the only places they touched. 

Donna reveled in the supple feeling of their lips meshing and working against one another. It was a most amazing feeling for her, because it was Josh. If she'd known that kissing was so much better when it was with Josh, she never would have bothered kissing anyone else. Ever. A guttural moan escaped from her throat when his mouth closed against hers and then his tongue teased her slightly parted lips. 

Josh couldn't help himself, upon hearing her moan, his lips briefly quirked into a self-satisfied smile against hers. Then he increased the pressure slightly and opening his mouth, changed the angle of the kiss. As the kisses grew deeper, she began to feel flits and flutters everywhere and that's when it happened. One minute he was kissing her, the next she felt a woosh go through her whole body and then her knees buckled and she felt herself wobble. Thankfully, Josh felt it too. Just in time, he pulled away and his arms flew under hers to steady her. 

"Okay?" He didn't let her go and worry flashed across his face as he studied her.

Breathlessly, she nodded that she was.

"Are you sure?"

"I just…" She starred into the melted chocolate of his eyes and felt her knees wobble again. "You kissed me."

"I did."

"It was pretty good."

A cocky smile broke across his face, when he realized what had happened. "I realize there was no applause this time, but I think the evidence points to it being better than 'pretty good.'"

"What evidence?"

"You swooned."

"I swooned?" Donna tried to sound incredulous.

"I kissed you and it made you swoon."

"That's ridiculous. I don't swoon. I've never swooned." Donna retorted, but her defense didn't hold much conviction as she was still out of breath from all the kissing and swooning.

"Of course, you've never swooned… before now. But that's just because we never kissed before now. But believe me, there is going to be a lot more swooning in your future."

She took in his words. "Is there?" 

"What?"

Donna's heart felt as if it was going to burst with happiness, but she had to be sure. "Going to be a lot more swooning in my future… in our future?"

Josh's own breath caught in his throat and he nodded slightly. "I sure hope so."

"Me, too." 

He smiled at her as he reached over to tuck a lose tendril of hair behind her ear. 

"Thank you." she whispered, a hot itch already starting behind her eyes. 

"For what?" His voice was as low and wispy as hers was.

"Putting up with me. You've been so great since the convention and… it means everything to me."

"I haven't put up with anything."

"You have. I've been… not myself. I’m sorry."

"Donna, you don't need-" He tried to stop her from apologizing, but she wouldn’t let him.

"No, Josh, I do. I'm sorry I reacted badly about the Stanley thing."

"It's my fau-"

But she put her fingers to his lips to shush him. "I know I have more work to do, and I'm going to do it, I'm going to see the therapist in DC, but for the first time since this all began… I _know_ things are going to be okay. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel… the tunnel I'm not even sure I knew I was in…. and that's thanks to you. I know I'm going to be alright." She paused for several beats. "Stanley was actually really helpful in getting me to identify my feelings… but I think talking to you two nights ago was the real breakthrough. So thank you."

Relief coursed through Josh, she was going to be okay. He had helped her and she was going to be okay. He tried to sound remorseful, but he was just so relieved it was a hard emotion to come by. "I'm sorry I sprung him on you. That was badly done… I know that."

She paused a moment before answering, she had been so angry with him the night before. But now she mostly felt grateful that he'd cared enough to intervene. "I'll admit that I wish you hadn't done it like that…" She reached up and cupped his face, gently rubbing her thumb against his cheek, feeling the roughness of his five o'clock shadow. "But I also admit that if our positions were reversed, I'm not sure that I would have done anything differently. Because I'm in love with you and I would have done whatever was necessary. I understand that now and if you-"

"Wait…" Josh interrupted hoarsely. His head suddenly spinning and not from the alcohol he'd been drinking earlier. Perhaps he was the one who should be worried about swooning. "Did you… uh… did you just say you're in love with me?"

Donna bit her lip. She hadn't meant to say that. To just blurt it out like it was an item on a grocery list. Maybe it was inevitable, since the words had been dancing on her tongue since she'd come to terms with her feelings earlier in the day. Gathering courage from the strength he had given her over the last week, she looked him in the eye and nodded slightly. Her stomach tied itself into one big knot as she waited for his reaction.

He looked at her in wonder for a full minute before breaking out into a huge face-splitting grin. "But I wanted to say it first."

It took Donna a second to register what he was saying. The only response she could manage was an inelegant, "Huh?" But her surprise couldn’t stop a grin equal to his from spreading across her features.

"'I love you.' I wanted to say it first." There was a little bit of pout in his voice, but it was tempered by the fact that he was still smiling and now had stepped even closer; wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her firm against him. Her hands found his tuxedo shirt between them and gathered a bit of fabric in each fist.

"Oh." It came out as a surprised squeak, before a mischievous glint took up residence in her eyes. "Okay, pretend like I didn't say it then."

He looked a little taken aback. "What?"

"Go ahead and say it. Pretend like I didn't say anything first." She nodded in deference to him, as her hands climbed his shoulders until her arms were twined around his neck. "The floor is yours."

He shook his head, and then laughed, almost as if he wasn't going to do it, before turning completely serious. Only inches separated the two of them, but his gaze was intense, even across the short distance. "Donna, it's you. It's always been you. Even when I was too stupid or blind or scared to realize it… ever since the very beginning… it's been you. I love you, Donna."

"Oh, Josh…" Tears that were precariously balanced on her eyelids, began to fall when she squeezed them shut and tightened her arms around him. She buried her faced against his neck in a life-affirming hug. "It's always been you, too." Her voice was muffled against his skin, but he heard her loud and clear. And her simple words made his heart soar. He sighed and hugged her back with everything he had to give. 

After several minutes had passed, the two of them holding the other just as tight as they possibly could, Donna shifted slightly so she could whisper in his ear. "Would you… I mean do you want to be on bully patrol tonight."

He almost answered that he wanted nothing else in life, but to spend the rest of his sleeping next to her. Instead he smiled and pulled back far enough so he could see her eyes. "Do you need it?"

She thought for a second and then smiled as brightly as she had in ages. "No, I don't think I'm going to." She leaned in and softly pressed her lips to his before continuing, "But I need you and want you with me."

He was certain that he hadn't been so happy, at least not since she'd left for Gaza over a year earlier and probably at no time before that. Finding her hand with his, he laced their fingers together and she let him lead her into her bedroom.

Once they were in the room and Josh had shut the door behind them. It hit her. They loved each other. They'd each said it. They were in a bedroom, in formal wear, about to be out of formal wear. And then they were going to bed. Together. She felt suddenly dizzy. In a good way.

As she came to stand in front of the mirror over the dresser, Josh kicked off his shoes and then sat on the end of the bed. Anticipation built in his chest… and lower. He had to remind himself that bully patrol was platonic… mostly. And that this was not a situation in which he should move too fast. 

He watched as she began to pull the pins out of her hair. It came down easily, falling in a large unruly mass of curls all over her head. It looked a bit wild and disheveled, but not at all unbecoming. In fact, he was certain that he'd never been more attracted to her. But that was probably more from the admitting-they-were-in-love thing, than from the sexy hair.

Enthralled, his eyes caressed the paleness of her shoulders and the light freckles that danced across her skin. He ached to touch her. And then he realized he could. He could touch her, it was no longer forbidden. The ache went away. Of course it was supplanted by a different more urgent kind of ache, but that was alright. That kind of ache was good, if not satiable in the short term. He could live with it, at least for now.

Donna felt his eyes on her. It made her feel nervous and like the most desirable woman in the world at the same time. Under his intent gaze, her fingers fumbled trying to find the zipper so she could loosen her gown. When she remembered that she couldn't reach it, she found his eye in the mirror. "Josh, could you?" 

She was asking him to help her out of her dress. Donna was asking him to undress her. He felt sixteen years old again. Except at sixteen, no one who looked remotely like Donna had even looked at him let alone asked for help with something like this. He'd actually helped Donna with a zipper or two before, but this definitely felt like a first. When he came to stand behind her he played with the zipper a moment before looking at her in the mirror in front of them. His mouth went dry as he met her eye.

"You took my breath away tonight."

Her own breath caught in her throat and she tingled as if dozens of feathers were tickling her from the inside.

"You didn't look so bad yourself." 

"I mean it, Donna. You are always beautiful." He ran his finger under the thin strap of her dress, so it grazed enticingly along her shoulder. "But tonight you…" His voice trailed off, but he didn't need to finish the sentence. The rapturous look on his face said everything. 

She bit her lip with bashful pleasure before admitting, "That's why I had the robe on early when I tied your tie. I didn't want you to get the half-affect."

"Really?"

Donna blushed and nodded.

"This was for me?" He tugged on the strap he had been fingering and he wore a grin that could have been construed as arrogant, if it weren't so goofy. 

"All for you."

"So there's no bad-luck-thing about seeing the dress before the party in politics?"

She hung her head with mock remorse. "I don't think so."

"We finally had good luck. Maybe…" He wagged his eyebrow playfully at her.

"What are you saying?"

Lifting the curls that hung past her shoulders, he leaned down and pressed several open mouthed kisses to the nape of her neck. "I'm saying if it's not a thing, maybe it should be," he whispered against her skin.

Closing her eyes, she shuddered under his touch and tilted her neck in order to give him better access. He continued kissing his way up her neck, when he got to her ear, something occurred to him. 

When he spoke his hot breath tickled her sensitive skin and sent new shivers of excitement through her whole body. "If you can't get out of this dress by yourself, how did you get in it?"

"I had help." She answered breathlessly, without opening her eyes.

"I guessed that. What kind of help?" He nibbled on the lobe of her ear and teased it with his tongue.

"Jerome zipped me up."

He froze for a moment and then chuckled into her ear. "You know a couple of days ago that would have driven me crazy. But since I know what I'm not supposed to know-"

"He knows you know."

"He does?"

"He saw us."

"When?" 

Donna giggled, despite the delightful way he was nuzzling her neck. "What do you mean when? The same time we saw them. Two nights ago. Our first kiss, although I don't think they saw that, they saw you—what did he call it… oh yeah-- sashaying in the moonlight."

Like a freight train hitting the brakes, the comment had Josh screeching to a halt. Grudgingly, but with resolve, he pulled his lips from her neck and stood up straight. Their first kiss had only been two nights ago and no matter how tempting she was or how badly he wanted her, she'd been through a lot the last few days and he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, push her.

As soon as she realized he had stopped doing delightful things to her neck, and it didn't seem he was going to start again, she opened her eyes and looked at him questioningly in the mirror. She joked, "I told him he couldn't say anything to you about the sashaying, so you don't have to worry."

He took a deep, resigned breath. He would do the right thing if it killed him. "I think we should wait."

"Josh?" She turned around so she was facing him. 

"Seriously, Donna, you've been through so much in the last week, and I don't want to add to the confusion with sex. So it's probably best if we just… sleep tonight."

"Okay, you're right" Donna nodded sadly, but didn't take her eyes of him.

"I am?" He gulped noticeable.

Donna waited a beat before smiling, "No, you're wrong. Make love to me."

His eyes went wide and she kissed him full on the lips before pulling back. She ran her hands up his chest and into his hair. "You're right it's been an incredibly hard, but at the same time wonderful week. Wonderful, because at the end of it, we're together. I love you and I've waited so long for us to be together, and I'm ready..." She bit her lip seductively. "Oh, boy, am I ready."

"Me, too."

"Then take me to bed." 

That made him grin and she turned around so he could finish unzipping her.

But he didn't. Instead he wrapped his arms around her, buried his face in the untamed curls of her hair and enveloped her in a hug from behind.

"What are you doing? I thought you were going to unzip me." But it was hardly a scold, it came out as more of a sigh as her back molded to his front and she easily melted into his embrace.

He held her possessively against him and after a minute Donna turned her head so her cheek was flush against his, but when he didn't loosen his grip, she questioned softly, "Josh? 

Finally, he managed to swallow the lump in his throat and whisper fiercely, "I'm just so glad you're okay. You're going to be okay."

Her eyes grew bright at the emotion in his voice. Even though her arms were half trapped above the elbow by his, she brought her hand up to caress his cheek. He opened his eyes and met hers in the mirror. Both sets were bright with unshed tears. 

Donna took a deep breath and her voice was strong as she promised, "We're going to be okay… better than okay." When he just hugged her tighter, she sighed without thinking, "You're my hero."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, alarm bells went off in her mind and she stiffened. It had been a certainty that she'd hidden for so long. But Josh just turned to press his lips to her cheek and replied without hesitation, "Well, you're mine." 

Her heart soared at the sentiment. She almost couldn't believe how skewed her perception of the situation had been. Had she really thought it was all one-sided? But that didn't matter now, because she was finally free, free to own her feelings for him. She loved him. He loved her. They were together now and she was filled with hope that they were headed towards a very happy beginning. 

When he met her eye in the mirror again, she smiled and teased, "That goes without saying. Now…about this dress."

He returned her smile and kissed her cheek again. Which lead to some more nibbling and kissing on her ears, neck and shoulder, but finally he did get down to some long over due business with her zipper.

The End.


End file.
